Dear Readers:
I wanted to supply an update to the last post of this nature. There is good and bad news, as always in life. The good news is that I have managed to acquire a seasonal part-time job in a big-box store for the months of November and December. I am limited in the number of hours/income I can receive through employment because I am on Social Security Disability but it is a good first step. I am hopeful that I will do a good enough job that they might offer me a permanent part-time job in the New Year. If that were to occur I would have to see if they would be willing to give me maximum hours in exchange for giving up SSD which I am loath to do because I have had to go off of disability before for a full-time job which lasted ten years but then re-apply for disability when I could no longer perform my duties. This was extremely difficult and traumatic and it took months to secure. Unfortunately I cannot live on what disability offers me. Working again for the first time since 2009 has been difficult. Since I last worked I have faced a lot of difficulties the worst of which is a brain injury acquired in June of 2010 which has altered my ability to function in the world more than any other thing in my life has, including prior and still extant chronic neurological and physical defects. I was good at my job when I worked in the 00's. I was polite and patient and I could multitask. I knew every system at my job and could problem solve, including helping other employees. Working today I felt ashamed of the person I now am, how slow and halting, how inarticulate, how unable to recall basic functions, how terrified. My old job was similar to my new job, which is cashiering, but the gulf in what I was to what I am now is unutterably vast. Many days I wish I had died when I hurt myself by accident in 2010. Most days I think it would have been a better outcome for myself and my family. Since then I have been unable to be the person I know I should be able to be for myself and for others. To not even be good enough to perform a seasonal cashier position is hard for me to come to terms with.
I have received some family help in getting what I need to go to work, but I still do not get paid for another week, next Thursday. I have enough to cover another week's rent at the weekly motel which I am staying at but I do not have any other money to cover gas, food, or medicine until that time. Where I am staying is an hour or more by highway from where I am working which is completely insane but I applied at a store I was familiar with, in the area I had lived before coming out all this way and where I would like to reside again. I must relocate soon, if only to temporary quarters closer to my job because I am terrified that winter weather will one day prevent me from going to work, causing me to lose my job. The possibility of getting a permanent part-time job is the only path I have to achieving stable housing due to minimum income requirements. I won't be able to do that until at least January. Anything that can help for the next week is greatly appreciated. I have a Google Wallet account at my email address numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. Please if you are reading this, do not feel obliged to assist. I know that times are not easy for any of us. I am tired of having to go through these lengths to acquire food and shelter and medicine. It feels painfully, cosmically wrong, especially for someone like me who doesn't feel like they should exist at all. I am angry at having to perpetuate life for something that isn't any good at it. It makes me angrier knowing that my labor is at the bottom of a pyramid designed to maximize wealth flows to the very apex of that pyramid without concern for those who support it at the bottom.
Thank You For Reading And Thank You For Your Care. Please Know It Is Deeply Appreciated.
<3 <3 <3
Love,
nathaxnne
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