Personal Update 2/8/18

Last night I hit my head on the rental car doorframe again, the second time in 3 weeks, which, if you know what living with post-concussive syndrome or traumatic brain injury is like, is really not good. I was healing however imperfectly from the impact 3 weeks ago but not out of the woods yet as it were when the same thing happened again. Immediately the symptoms were far more severe than the last time. I know the immediate problems will abate over time but impacts close to each other in time are bad for long-term outcomes. I live in daily fear of dementia and chronic traumatic encephalopathy. I am terrified that I will lose my ability to write and to make art. Brain injury has already taken from me my family, my partner, my ability to parent, my home, my car, basic quality of life and to have this happen again again on top of everything else is really too much. I am scheduled to have an appointment in two weeks to see a doctor about getting a prescription for medical marijuana which honestly the hope of which is the only thing even marginally keeping me together at this point. I used to rely upon medical marijuana every day for essential functioning for much of the 2000's and especially in the aftermath of my 2010 concussion which sparked this whole cascade into the neurological abyss although significant damage had more than likely already occurred in advance. I had to give up my use of medical marijuana to move to Minneapolis and then moved to Pennsylvania right before I could have gotten it legally in Minnesota. I scheduled this appointment in November and then the wait time was 3 months. I don't know if I will be able to get my medical records transferred in time which might annul my appointment entirely and I have NO IDEA how I am going to come up with the 275 dollar appointment fee which, needless to say, is not covered by Medicare. Even if this is successful, I will have to pay another similarly large fee for a medical marijuana card/license even before being eligible to purchase the medicine which isn't even available in dispensaries yet and won't be for months at best. Additionally, I will have to get my prescription renewed every six months at a cost of 150 dollars a visit. This is an incredible cost to bear and I don't know if I will be able to do it but THC is the only hope I have for an additional treatment for sleep apnea along with my CPAP machine and a possible means of slowing or reversing some aspects of dementia. I am 44 years old. I would rather die than live with a dementia which may already be present. I am still living in a weekly motel. I still am driving a rental car which has now induced two head injuries. I still go to work at a big box store. It is really difficult to go to work in the immediate aftermath of a brain injury but I am trying my best. I just feel buried in the avalanche of my own damaged biology. I don't feel like it is a good idea for me to go on but I keep doing it like an idiot anyway. I hope you as readers do not mind these updates. I have a hard time communicating through email these days and don't want to overburden people with me being hysterical and freaking out. Every night I ask that whoever is listening will let me die in my sleep that very night but either no one is listening or my request does not matter enough. I am sorry to be depressing. I wish I could write something that is like "Everything is better! Things are great!" and not this repetitive trauma nonsense. I just wanted to give another update.