Post-Injury Update 4/30 am

4/30 am - i had to go to bed right away after eating. i woke up just now. i feel so bad. i can't really move my head right. i am hoping the am medicine helps. I am so hurt there is no way i could leave the apartment today. There is a flood watch from now until friday afternoon. this really hurts a lot.
every time someone comes down the stairs (my efficiency is the only first-floor apartment in otherwise commercial space) i have to stand up in order to brace myself for impact. if i am sitting in my office chair and a person misses a step or goes too hard i get badly hurt from the shockwave. this is my daily life. it has taken everything from me. now i am just going to document it because i can no longer do anything else. being 'strongly encouraged' every day to leave my apartment in a pandemic by my landlord who then shifts to talk of courts and legal proceedings and what a shame that would be etc is super-stressful when that very living space is what is depriving me of my access to my own body and mind. yeah that totally sucks. i love renting. he is telling me that if i get through this and am here in may he is asking me to accommodate him doing a 20hr. work week restoring the space surrounding my apartment so a new tenant can move in. that will be unbelievably painful and will mean limited use of my apartment during that time. like, i am for sure cursed, but this building is like definitely over a gateway to hell and also cursed on top of that lol

I expect not to be able to eat again until Friday Dinner Time at earliest. i have spasms in my abdomen and diaphragm that make eating and vocalizing extremely challenging. these last a long time.

even if this is not technically a degenerative process which i really think it is, it is functioning like a degenerative process. watching yourself go away over time through violent erasure of the physical plant of your consciousness is a fucking heavy trip. i have been doing it for decades. i am now very tired.