Day 21

After being trapped in my home and hurt consecutively wed night, thurs, friday, saturday with a break for sunday, including some very serious injuries i will bear permanently, worsening existing health problems, i decided to get out right away today. I went to sleep at 5:30 am. I got up at 7:30. I was out of the house by nine. I was out the whole day. I went to public parks, gas stations, the pharmacy, i drove up and down highway exits. At 5:15 pm or whatever I came home and was preparing to do evening routine when people came into the flower shop banging and with voices so i ran out with my jacket and purse and without my hat. I had to drive around aimlessly until after 8pm. The good news is that i think the flower shop is finally gone. The bad news is that being in proximity to that flower shop cost me everything. It cost me my intellectual acuity, my creativity, my sense of being able to exist in my body, my health, friends, family, my job, and after all of it i no longer have a place to live, having as a neurologically-compromised autistic trans woman with severe physical disabilities and no income, to now find a new place to live. I was threatened with assault. I was threatened with prison. I was mocked for being trans as my suffering was mocked to my face. I called every number i was asked to and none of them mattered. I have a very difficult time calling phone numbers or filling out paperwork. This difficulty has helped paralyze my entire life, so you can imagine what it took to call so many people. Of course I cannot talk to them like a normal person, so I as always ruin everything even as i am reaching out desperately for help. The thought of going on after this, just after the multiple very severe neurological injuries that will make it so i can never think or feel or respond as fluidly as before, that i will never be able to hold my head up at the same angle, at least without pain, that i will be just that more likely to develop dementia or parkinsons or my existing dementia or parkinsons will get that much worse. It is hard to think that i should keep going on. I don't have anything left. I don't even have me left. I am strongly considering rigorously applying voluntary cessation of sustenance. I refuse to violently kill myself but i don't know why i should fight to stay alive in a world that wants me dead when what i am is even less than what was clearly not adequate before. most of my fan mail is like 'kys'. they are probably right. just the fucking cptsd aftershocks from this alone are messing me up. i am so tired. so so tired. i will never be again as smart, as healthy, as kind, as pretty, as hopeful, as solvent, as i was on april 13th, 2020. whatever that person could have become i will never get to be. the person that i am now forced to be i don't know if i can tbh and why should i really i mean this is what the world wants for me. i don't see it getting any better, for reals. maybe i am just a curse that should be burnt out of this world. i am in such a state of physical and psychic shock that i cannot do what obviously must be done to arrest real world collapse.