you
know, also, i think about this 'man in a dress' thing a lot. it was
this very thing that held me back from being able to fully achieve
transition in the 90's. in the eighties and nineties, goth and grunge
fashion offered a vision of a softer, prettier man who could wear makeup
and dresses in the wake of glam rock. the very existence of the 'man in
a dress' from bowie to kurdt, made me wonder if i were not just also a
man in a dress, one that liked pretty things, just another fashion
choice, comfortable in my maleness. for years i bought into that myth
and it hurt me. i had known since the eighties that i was a girl/woman
and the lack of any sort of reflection of that in my environment made me
keep it to myself in fact, how would that even make sense?
i
began wearing skirts and dresses in the early nineties to alleviate
gender dysphoria. i felt so much calmer, so much more myself. i wasn't
rebelling. i wasn't drawing attention to the artificiality of clothing.
these are, however, the ways in which even i was invited to read my own
actions.
life would have been a lot easier if i was a man in a
dress. i tried to be just that for so long. in the 00's i tried to be a
man who used to wear dresses. that was the worst. i would tell people
wistfully about when i wore dresses and skirts, not ever imagining i
could still do it, that i could have kept going to work, that i could
have been seen by others as a woman.
i am not someone who is
aspiring to be a woman. i know i am a woman because i am someone who
tried very very hard not to be one for a long long time.
also,
you know what sucks about being a little trans girl in the
seventies/eighties? M.A.S.H. reruns. talk about internalized
transphobia. i thought of that all the time as a kid when i thought
about putting on a dress. that i would be read that way. seen as a man
in a dress. i knew i wasn't so it kept me from it.
i began wearing skirts and dresses in the early nineties to alleviate gender dysphoria. i felt so much calmer, so much more myself. i wasn't rebelling. i wasn't drawing attention to the artificiality of clothing. these are, however, the ways in which even i was invited to read my own actions.
life would have been a lot easier if i was a man in a dress. i tried to be just that for so long. in the 00's i tried to be a man who used to wear dresses. that was the worst. i would tell people wistfully about when i wore dresses and skirts, not ever imagining i could still do it, that i could have kept going to work, that i could have been seen by others as a woman.
i am not someone who is aspiring to be a woman. i know i am a woman because i am someone who tried very very hard not to be one for a long long time.
also, you know what sucks about being a little trans girl in the seventies/eighties? M.A.S.H. reruns. talk about internalized transphobia. i thought of that all the time as a kid when i thought about putting on a dress. that i would be read that way. seen as a man in a dress. i knew i wasn't so it kept me from it.