Thursday, October 19, 2017

Dear Readers II

Dear Readers Of This Blog: I wanted to give an update given the precarious situation outlined in my last blog post. This blog was supposed to be about music and art and not about homelessness and poverty and dispossession. Because of kindness shown to me by many people (which I am eternally grateful for), since last month I have managed to stay in the weekly motel I am staying in a few weeks longer but I am once again facing homelessness. I had to cancel an apartment showing because I do not have enough income or money to put down a first/last/security. I applied for and received a conditional offer to work seasonally at a big box store. Because I am on SSDI, the hours I can work are limited and the job is only for a couple of months but it is better than nothing. I had an interview a week ago and have not yet heard back from them. The job would be an hour away by highway. I haven't worked since 2009. I am terrified but have no other options. As of tonight I am once again facing homelessness starting tomorrow. I hate going through this every month. I spent money that I could have used on rent for this week on food as well as the supplements necessary to treat permanent brain injury because all I had to eat for a week was bread and peanut butter and I ran out of peanut butter. The battery of supplements I take are necessary for me to be able to have a modicum of cognitive fluidity and plasticity. Honestly I wish I would just die in my sleep tonight rather than have to face this over and over again. My self-worth is less than nothing. My mental health has been garbage for years. Living with physical and neurological disability has made my life marginal. Any poor decisions I have made count forever. Any good that I have done in life has not counted hardly at all. In midlife when most of the people that I know have stable homes and jobs I am reduced to begging for help because what I have to offer this world is not valuable enough. I honestly wish I could cease to exist and that everyone who has ever known me would lose their recollection of me or that I could never have been born to begin with. I am sorry this post is so despairing. I have been homeless for 15 months. I have failed so badly at life that this is what it comes to again and again. I know that if I could have a place to live with no natural gas (or right on a highway or contaminated with pesticides, etc) that I could afford (which is like at most like $500 rather than the $1000 I am paying now) and that I could have a part-time job to cover additional costs not covered by the pittance I receive from the government and what little help I receive from my family I could stabilize my life. That this has never happened must be my fault. At this point I am so desperate I would be willing to relocate in order to accept housing and employment, especially if it meant being able to move to a place where marijuana would be legal for medical use. I have been waiting for years. I don't know how I would manage that as I don't even have enough resources to avoid homelessness here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to update my last post. Correspondence, etc (if desired) can be left in comments here or directed to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. <3 nathaxnne