I have maintained this blog or a blog since the mid-00's on and off. I have used them to put out art and images and sometimes sound out into the world. My injuries have become so severe that I cannot think let alone write or draw. The accident(s) in September put an end to my ability to make art. They also have helped put an end to my ability to write and think. I cannot get out of my apartment. The injuries continue every day. I get injured driving over potholes. I get injured being in the path of someone else's car door slam. I get injured when someone drops something heavy on the floor. I get injured when i step off the curb wrong. I spend nearly every day in such severe pain from migraine, headache, arthritis pain, nerve pain that i have no quality of life. I cannot watch tv. I cannot watch movies. I cannot read books. I cannot relax at home because if i try i get injured. So i have to get up and go as soon as possible every day. I am agoraphobic. Once i go outside i start getting hurt there. There is nowhere i am safe. Nowhere that feels ok. I have a job to cover $1000 a month of medical marijuana which is the only thing which helps with the pain and the brain injury. it has kept me going this far but because of the bad electrical? in my apartment ALL of the VERY EXPENSIVE vaporizers have been destroyed, leaving me with no way to get my medicine and out hundreds if not thousands of dollars and my job only affords me $8-- a month after taxes. I have disability which is 1150 a month, 540 of which goes to rent. the rest goes to gas and anti-inflammatory supplements which are the only other thing that helps with the pain. i can't take narcotics. i can't take most otc pain meds. my cognitive problems are getting worse. they wouldn't if i didn't live in an apartment which was actively assaulting me every day but in a way where i have to intuit their next move, where going to the bathroom is dangerous, where going to the kitchen area is dangerous. i have asked for help from my landlord, told him how much i was suffering and he is like shrug emoji. i have told behavioral health clinics, therapists, gps, exes, family members, friends, total strangers, coworkers, employers, FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and NO ONE CAN HELP ME. i am really disabled. i live all alone. i can't do paperwork or phone trees very well. i used to be able to write movie reviews on letterboxd but now my brain injury has made that impossible. i have no creative outlet. i have no joy in my life. i have no quality of life. i cannot afford food. i cannot afford gas. even with help. my life-saving medicine is $1000 dollars a month and i still can't get it adequately for reasons i cannot comprehend. i haven't been a good person. i haven't been a good friend. i haven't been a good artist. i haven't been a good child. i haven't been a good partner. i haven't been a good parent. and i won't. i won't ever. what i have done is done. there are no more good days. thank you. i love you. there will be no more entries here. goodbye. <3 nathaxnne
ps: i am just shutting down this blog. it will remain up as long as it is maintained by whomever. please do not worry. thank you for reading and looking. <3 <3
