Thursday, October 19, 2017

Dear Readers II

Dear Readers Of This Blog: I wanted to give an update given the precarious situation outlined in my last blog post. This blog was supposed to be about music and art and not about homelessness and poverty and dispossession. Because of kindness shown to me by many people (which I am eternally grateful for), since last month I have managed to stay in the weekly motel I am staying in a few weeks longer but I am once again facing homelessness. I had to cancel an apartment showing because I do not have enough income or money to put down a first/last/security. I applied for and received a conditional offer to work seasonally at a big box store. Because I am on SSDI, the hours I can work are limited and the job is only for a couple of months but it is better than nothing. I had an interview a week ago and have not yet heard back from them. The job would be an hour away by highway. I haven't worked since 2009. I am terrified but have no other options. As of tonight I am once again facing homelessness starting tomorrow. I hate going through this every month. I spent money that I could have used on rent for this week on food as well as the supplements necessary to treat permanent brain injury because all I had to eat for a week was bread and peanut butter and I ran out of peanut butter. The battery of supplements I take are necessary for me to be able to have a modicum of cognitive fluidity and plasticity. Honestly I wish I would just die in my sleep tonight rather than have to face this over and over again. My self-worth is less than nothing. My mental health has been garbage for years. Living with physical and neurological disability has made my life marginal. Any poor decisions I have made count forever. Any good that I have done in life has not counted hardly at all. In midlife when most of the people that I know have stable homes and jobs I am reduced to begging for help because what I have to offer this world is not valuable enough. I honestly wish I could cease to exist and that everyone who has ever known me would lose their recollection of me or that I could never have been born to begin with. I am sorry this post is so despairing. I have been homeless for 15 months. I have failed so badly at life that this is what it comes to again and again. I know that if I could have a place to live with no natural gas (or right on a highway or contaminated with pesticides, etc) that I could afford (which is like at most like $500 rather than the $1000 I am paying now) and that I could have a part-time job to cover additional costs not covered by the pittance I receive from the government and what little help I receive from my family I could stabilize my life. That this has never happened must be my fault. At this point I am so desperate I would be willing to relocate in order to accept housing and employment, especially if it meant being able to move to a place where marijuana would be legal for medical use. I have been waiting for years. I don't know how I would manage that as I don't even have enough resources to avoid homelessness here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to update my last post. Correspondence, etc (if desired) can be left in comments here or directed to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. <3 nathaxnne

Friday, September 15, 2017

Dear Readers

Dear Readers: I don't know who might be reading this blog at present but I am in a situation in which although I have stable housing (presumably) until the end of this month, because of the expense of housing costs at this weekly motel I now do not have any money for food, medicine (including asthma medicine), water, or gasoline to acquire those things. My car really needs an oil change as I am about 1500 miles over the limit. I am loath to ask for assistance and am in fact ashamed to do so, but any contribution would be appreciated. This is not a scam. I rely upon disability from the federal government which amounts to (I think?) 60% of what I was making in 2009 when I was making $14 dollars an hour or so. There has been no appreciable cost of living increase since then and I am also paying for Medicare and Medicare Part D. I have tried desperately to acquire real housing and a job of some sort even though I have grave concerns about my ability to work, so far to no avail. I have been semi-homeless for 14 months. I have attempted to get housing assistance, food assistance, etc, and nothing has ever come of it. I receive limited help from one of my parents which amounts to half of my housing cost. I make up the rest of it, but I rely upon supplements to treat permanent brain injury for which there is no other effective legal medicine. At this point I fast 48 hours out of every week to help cut down on food costs as well as for potential neurological benefits. I feel like I am doing something wrong by writing this. I apologize. I would much rather be helping others than asking for help for myself. I don't really think that if I was supposed to be it would be like this but nonetheless I still am despite my wishes. I am set up with a google wallet account. My gmail dot com at is numbatwombat21. I appreciate your even reading this and I apologize. <3 nathaxnne PS I will delete this post either out of shame or when the need is no longer present. Thank You For Your Kindness. PPS - I do not use nicotine, alcohol, opiates or any illegal drugs. I (sadly) do not live in a state where medical or recreational marijuana is available. I just wanted to say that. I spend my time watching movies and I can't even afford to go see a movie in the theatre. I am not asking for help with anything like the above. That would not be ethical.

John Carpenter - 'Christine' from John Carpenter Anthology: Movie Themes (2017)

If John Carpenter wanted to give me a lift in Christine I would hesitate not at all. <3 <3 <3

Saturday, August 12, 2017

An Open Letter To White America After The Events Of Charlottesville

Dear White America:

Today does indeed represent a turning point in American History. You can decide to cling to a pathetic, fragile dying ideology of assumed superiority which has no conceptual basis other than to pretend to ensure the survival of something that doesn't exist and has never existed, or you can decide to abandon passivity, anxiety masquerading as comfort, comfort masquerading as anxiety, all your fear and hatred in order to join with the rest of the world in the common task of how to live together, to celebrate differences, to learn and grow beyond what we thought we were. White Ideologues are right to be afraid of their own obsolescence. They are right to be afraid that the world is passing them by and won't miss them when they are gone. Their cherished ideals of a fictional White Civilization mean nothing to anyone but them and all it means to them is a desperate effort at convincing themselves they have greater inherent worth than they do. These ideals are built on a complex of lies that have always been known to be lies uttered to justify the evils of slavery, of genocide, of apartheid, of holy war, of rape and murder and suppression of others. White Civilization is this flea-bitten grab-bag of pseudoscience, debased scripture and decontextualized statements from your failed leaders: a centuries-long incoherent muttering propped up by mob violence, wars of choice, extractionist necronomies and the propaganda that leaks from them like old motor oil. You can stand with this if you want. It won't matter though. You aren't being replaced, you are fading away, and no one will ever need to replace you. Your sense of superiority has nothing to do with historical, cultural or biological reality. If you choose to give it up, to let go of your superiority, you will find beautiful things within yourself and others that you never knew were there. If you let go of your blindness and willful ignorance and decide to learn and to grow as a person, you will be rewarded tenthousandfold. Rather than fighting to secure a homeland for White America, you could could be ensuring the possibility of a future for whatever children will come to live on that land you were convinced was yours, a peaceful, kind, loving home with enough food and water and shelter, free of unnecessary illness and poverty, a home made of diverse biomes, full of nonhuman species to live with, with a rich cultural legacy composed of what all humans have made. This is a real option. This can be the future that we choose as much as we are capable of choosing anything. These children are ours, all of ours. Whatever future comes is ours as well. We can work together to make a better place than the one we have always known. America was never White. America was never Great. America was never Male. America was never Cishet. America was never Christian. The glorious past that you want to restore never was. It cannot be anyone's future.

In Love, Hope & Charity,


Saturday, July 29, 2017

solar fissure 2

Execration - Odes Of The Occult (2011)

I could not be happier to be alive in this decade whose reigning sound has been a ritual psychedelic bludgeoning death. I never tire. My friend alien brian turned me onto Execration and for this I am most pleased! <3

Leatherface Red-Band Trailer (2017)

My most anticipated movie of 2017. Inside is an all-time favorite. I cannot wait. <3

Friday, July 28, 2017

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Couch Slut - Contempt (2017)

As someone whose early life was defined by late 80's scum and noise, this Couch Slut album is an unholy blessing that I adore beyond the beyond. This is my everything right now. <3 <3 <3

Monday, July 24, 2017

owl 4

Vincent Price Commercial For Time-Life Books' The Enchanted World (circa 1985)

I was a subscriber to this series and completely obsessed with it. As a kid I was devoted to the total reality of faeries, witches, sorcerers, monsters, ghosts, etc. That is what I spent my time checking out of the library and thinking about all of the time. So naturally this would be what I begged my mom to get me for some birthday or another and she relented. Later as is her wont, she blamed my increasingly poor mental health on my years-long obsession with folklore and the occult and got rid of all of my Time-Life The Enchanted World Books. I wasn't actively involved with D&D or heavy metal at that point, but I still received the ur-80's parental throwing out of malefic influences that many children of that era experienced. I tried to tell her that Time-Life Books would not be the center of a Satanic Conspiracy to warp the minds of children but she would not listen. My mind was warped under its own power. Surrounding myself with horror movies and explorations into tales of magick and sorcery and other realms was a way of making sense of what was already occurring. Something that has held true to this day. I came across this video while reading about the sequel to this series, Mysteries Of The Unknown, which is also of interest, especially in terms of cryptozoology, New Age Stuff, UFO's, etc. I didn't subscribe to that one although I was into that stuff too. My 1980's was a place of ruined castles, haunted mansions, mushroom circles, magickal objects. Thank You Vincent Price! Thank You Time-Life Books! <3 PS - here is the much better article on Mysteries Of The Unknown whereupon my memory of this delightful Vincent Price commercial was rekindled:

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Stranger Things Season 2 Trailer

As someone who was 10 years old in 1984, this feels as haunted as that year actually was, and I cannot overstate how important Vincent Price's 'Thriller' monologue was to me then and remains to me now. That said, Dragon's Lair sucked to play in 1984. It ate all of your quarters and would not listen. I can't wait to watch this. <3

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Paolo Visile - Day Of The Cobra (Il giorno del cobra) OST (1980)

Paolo Visile's soundtrack to Enzo G. Castellari's 1980 Franco Nero/Sybil Danning Police Vehicle Day Of The Cobra which although I put it in my nxxflxx queue like a decade ago I never received it so although I haven't seen it I LOVE this soundtrack so much despite/because maddening repetition! One day I will catch up with you Cobra! Just not today I guess!

Friday, June 30, 2017

Michael Hurley - 'The Werewolf Song' from First Songs (1964)

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

eldritch motel bathroom art 1.2

Father Befouled - Desolate Gods (2017)

This is death metal the way I like it, befogged, doomed, warm and fraying inside, melting and pooling into itself with every staggered lurch. <3

Monday, June 26, 2017

Satyricon - Satyricon (2013)

Goddess I love Satyricon in all of their ages and forms, maybe even especially as decadent bored rock gods, but the most recent Satyricon studio album is both overreaching experimentation and a return to beginnings, which makes sense if your beginnings are in frosty overlarge castles which are too expensive to heat in the winter unless fire-breathing dragons take up residence in your dungeons, their exhalations providing baseboard heat. Recorded by analog magicks, Satyricon the album has a warm, solid feeling like the last rays of sun departing below the trees. This is most definitely black metal, with pomp thrust and prog filigree making for a more expansive Satyricon than the recent past has afforded. Satyricon the album makes me want to go out onto a rocky outcropping above a yawning chasm in order to make pointlessly imperious sweeping gestures. Most Glorious! <3

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Sunday, June 25, 2017

9 Steps To #MAGA

1) Sideline and dismantle where possible a free press, defund and block scientific inquiry and the very possibility of factual information.

2) Encourage the police and prison systems to operate with increased brutality and to greater profit motive, explicitly allowing for the murder and mass incarceration of black people and other minority groups. Use the legal system and paramilitary groups and tactics to discourage and criminalize dissent.

3) Merge immigration policy with border control and mass incarceration. deport every nonwhite who is deportable.

4) Equal Islam with Terror and block Muslim immigration. Fail to mention Muslim victims of Terror.

5) Establish Christian Dominionism as the de facto State Religion, allowing it to set Educational, Civil Rights and Housing Policy.

6) Give White Supremacy a free hand inside and outside of government. End efforts to monitor and suppress White Terror, which is now condoned by the government.

7) End Medicaid (medical care), SNAP (food), LIHEAP (heat), etc other benefits relied upon by the old, the young, the poor, the sick, the disabled, those who are not cishet men, knowing that mass death and dispossession will be the outcome.

8) Staff all possible regions of government with corporate heads and lobbyists, to make government an arm of those corporations in a hostile takeover. What positions cannot be filled should be left empty.

9) Ally the US government with other oligarchical dictatorships, especially those who have aligned interests.

This is Fascism. This is White Supremacy. This is Christian Dominion.

This is Genocide. This is AmeriKKKa.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Moss Angel - Sea-Witch Vol. 3 Excerpts Live In Olympia, WA

Moss Angel's Sea-Witch is one of my favorite works of the XXIst Century, expansive, modular, oracular, hilarious and true. Capital-R and lower-case-r romantic, it is its own creation-myth, its own world-in-becoming. It is awesome to get to hear and see Moss Angel perform parts of hir in-progress Sea-Witch Vol. 3 live from Olympia WA 6/17 via Wormwood Press. Hooray!!! <3 <3 <3

the book of eibon 1.1

Varathron - His Majesty At The Swamp (1993)

For when you want to be goth in the wretched heat and downpour and decaying organic matter, slowly becoming one <3

starfield tower 1.1

Friday, June 23, 2017

corpse-flower stadium rock scorp scorp lich 1

Ministry - 'Jesus Built My Hotrod' from Psalm 69 (1992)

Dear Readers Of This Blog: To this day, there is probably no other song in the world which so perfectly encapsulates the very sort of white trash mess that I am, Flannery O'Connor references and all, than 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. In keeping with some family traditions, I was/am a comprehensively terrible parent, but at least I passed along my love of Grave Digger.

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Dodecahedron - Kwintessens (2017)

Anti-kosmische outer voyage to inner space. absolutely incredible. <3

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

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Soulskinner - Descent To Abbadon (2017)

Eaten Back To Death, Forever. <3

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Chaos Echoes - Tone Of Things To Come (2012)

Recommended by the always awesome alien brain, Chaos Echoes is one of those bands that I never knew I needed all of my life until I heard them and now I can't imagine a dying world without their outwardly seeking free psych-death. This is quite nearly the inverted apex. <3

Osamu Kitajima - Benzaiten (1974)

This Japanese folk-psych-prog album flows and rocks and glories in the rising and the falling of the day. Truly wonderful! <3

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The War On Drugs - 'Under The Pressure' from Lost In The Dream

There is something so comforting to me about The War On Drugs' kosmische heartland rock, something I turn to when necessary. <3

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

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Morbid Evils - In Hate With The Burning World (2015)

Absolutely crushingly heavy Finnish Death Metal. Like an single connected ocean of baking tar. Awesome John Darnielle Recommendation Yet Again! <3

Mobb Deep - 'Quiet Storm' from Murda Muzik (1999)

Love To You Prodigy. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Forever Your Fan, nathaxnne

Saturday, June 17, 2017

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Iron Maiden - 'Speed Of Light' from The Book Of Souls (2015)

Iron Maiden's The Book Of Souls is one of my all-time favorite Iron Maiden albums. I tend to prefer the prog-epics but this video wherein Eddie recapitulates the whole of video game history is pretty rad. It feels like mid-80's Maiden and its milieu without seeming anachronistic or nostalgia-trading, which I dig. Also here is a live 'Death Or Glory' from The Book Of Souls World Tour. Bruce Dickinson instructing millions of fans in how to climb like a monkey out of hell makes me wonder why there has never been a Bruce Dickinson Work Out Home Video. <3

Sunday, June 4, 2017

electrick snake knows when to change signals

Trouble - 'Snake Eyes' from Twin Peaks: The Return Soundtrack (2017)

Roadhouse House Band channels 'The Pink Room' to what end??? I mean, it is a house band consisting of Alex Zhang Hungtai of Dirty Beaches, David Lynch sound collaborator Dean Hurley and David Lynch's kid Riley Lynch so why not??? Also way to go Twin Peaks for jamming not one but TWO Uniform songs from Wake In Fright! Right ON! <3 nathaxnne

Monday, May 22, 2017

Temple Of The Dog - 'Hunger Strike' from Temple Of The Dog (1991)

This song means more now than it ever has. There is literally a budget being proposed by the President Of The United States which will gut Medicaid, Social Security Disability, Children's Health Insurance Programs, SNAP (Food Stamps), Planned Parenthood. The poor, the sick, children, the elderly, women, all will be starved through austerity in order to funnel welfare to the richest of the rich. I have been living in a weekly motel outside of Harrisburg for months now. I moved here because I ran out of ways to pay for a hotel in Lancaster. I know no one here. It is by a massive freeway. Poor people live here and try to get by. Desperate people. These people are lucky compared to the homeless tent cities in Harrisburg and all over this country. I try and live and pay for food and rent and medicine on what the government gives me because I cannot work. It is not enough. Every month I go without supplements which make me able to live with a debilitating brain injury. Every month I go days without food, or on one meal a day or less. I listen to lectures about how I am irresponsible, about how I am supposed to live when there isn't enough to live on. My mother helps with what she can, but it isn't enough. Nearly half of my income goes to rent. The other half goes to everything else. Every month I run out of money to sustain even basic functionality. Every month I want to die and I consider it. It takes everything in me to not. That we have a government who will give billions of dollars to corrupt dictatorships, will commit treason on television, that will conduct worldwide war and total war at home, which will destroy all of life for marginal profit, which cares nothing for the lives of its citizens, who are expected to effectively exist as slaves or prisoners or expendables for a handful of oligarchs, makes me even more ill than anything else. Our whole lives have been spent in the service of an socio-economic order which exists to murder us slowly and strip of us what assets it can is an obscenity. To live and die within this is unacceptable. To bear children who will grow up under these conditions, who will raise their own children under these conditions is an atrocity. I don't want to live like this anymore. And I am among the lucky ones. <3 everyone who is suffering This song is helping keep me alive right now which is not an easy thing. I love this album. I love u Chris Cornell. <3 nathaxnne

Ce n'est pas un hibou

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Twilight Of The Grampas

David Lynch was born on January 20, 1946. He is a late Capricorn, almost an Aquarius. As of now, he is 71 years old. Donald Trump was born on June 14, 1946. He is a Gemini. As of now, he is 70 years old. Two Grampas. Light And Dark. They are Grampas IRL, but also Grampas to Amerikkka. Both Grampas have weird, iconic hair. Both Grampas went to school in Pennsylvania for stuff that only tangentially relates to their later empires, which they built at least partially in 1970's NYC, a time and a place which formed who they would be and how they would be the rest of their lives. David Lynch has been married 4 times. Donald Trump has been married 3 times. They are fond maybe even fixated by women considered beautiful and alluring.

David Lynch is the kind of Grampa who will tell you amazing stories in as few words as possible, which are totally precise and totally vague simultaneously, who will take you to places he deems important, or which have the best desserts. He is the Grampa you can hang out with while they make furniture and listen to old records but you are never getting bored because it is just nice to spend time with them. This Grampa is corny, tells off-color jokes which are embarrassing, can't get your pronouns quite right or figure out what your deal is with all of that, but you let it go because no harm is intended and ultimately their heart is full of love. This Grampa is getting ready to die and is at peace with it, wanting to give an account and a statement of themselves to the world before they do so, one which is so totally them, in all of their weirdness and flaws and eccentricities that it is an account of a life lived, for both good and ill, but one which is honest as possible.

Donald Trump is the kind of Grampa who seethes and rambles, spilling language and phrases in as many words as possible, trailing off, contradicting himself, gossiping about the neighbors even when that stuff can't possibly be true, frightened of how the neighborhood is changing, angry at everyone around them, feuding with members of their family, unable to take responsibility for how their life is now, constantly threatening to rewrite the will to favor whomever is in favor and cast out whomever is not. This Grampa stays on the couch, watching TV all day long, yelling and cursing or muttering, forgetting to eat or eating only fast food that someone else has dropped off.

Both Grampas are obsessed with conspiracy theories, with the nature of what Amerikkka really is. Both love and fear law enforcement, particularly the FBI for what it represents and what it can do. Both see the world growing darker as they attempt their final statements about who they were and what they have done.

One Grampa you are psyched to visit. One Grampa not so much. People who know them like telling stories and anecdotes about their weird behavior and the strange things they have said in hushed tones of awe.

 Both Grampas operate improvisationally, open to possibility and changing fortune, requiring absolute freedom to unilaterally change course, contradict themselves, untethered to fixed being, shrouded in what is unclear, one in mystery and one in lies.

Once they are gone from this earth, they will be remembered and talked about as legendary folk heroes and villians, people who couldn't possibly have ever really existed, yet whose mark on the world in which we live is indelible, formative, greater than their personalities, greater than their individual consciousnesses, each having created whole realities from themselves for others to inhabit for years and decades and maybe forever.

They never fought each other with swords or with knives or with guns or with anything.

Chromatics - 'Shadow' from Twin Peaks Soundtrack (2017) (and Dear Tommy? (?))

twang under shoegaze drift under Disintegration synths yes

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sky Ferreira - 'Night Time, My Time' from Night Time, My Time (2013)

Sky Ferreira clearly lived in Twin Peaks before she lived in Twin Peaks. 'Night Time, My Time' is such a loving tribute and identification with Laura Palmer and FWWM's cinematic world that it makes me cry. I love this song and video so much. <3 nathaxnne

come to broken thumb falls can you see why it is called that

David Lynch - 'Bad The John Boy' (2013)

This song just plain scares the heck out of me. I don't think I ever want to meet Bad The John Boy under any circumstances or ever get within reach of his long arms!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Princess Nokia - 'Kitana' from 1992 (2016)

I spent a whole lot of the middle of 1995 trying to defeat Mortal Kombat II on the Sega Genesis or at least gain reasonable proficiency at it. I have pretty bad hand-eye coordination for someone who has dedicated much of their lives to tasks which would benefit from at least adequacy in that developmental region. Whatever. I always played Mileena. I mean, I played other characters but Mileena was my MK2 avatar. She was the only person for whom I learned finishing moves. I felt like we were bonded on a spiritual level. I dug her ultra-magenta outfit and her horror-story nature. I respect those who rep Kitana, though! How could I not? I do worry as an old person with brain damage when I see kids doing stuff like boxing and riding bikes without helmets (even though that won't prevent concussions!). I am old enough that anyone who is not like 30 is like a kid to me. Gosh I am lame. This song, though, and Princess Nokia in general, is not lame at all. Princess Nokia rules!!! <3 nathaxnne

Friday, May 19, 2017

Johnny Jewel - Windswept LP (2017)

Before Twin Peaks was on TV, there was Julee Cruise's album Floating Into The Night so if you bought that album like I did in the fall or winter of 1989, you could be in Twin Peaks before you were in Twin Peaks. I cannot tell you what it feels like then to listen to Johnny Jewel's Windswept album which contains music from Twin Peaks Season 3 within it. We cannot know, not yet, what exactly will appear in the show exactly, but the whole album is in Twin Peaks because it lives there and came from there and isn't going to leave. There is also a bunch of late-eighties Chris Isaak in this which is also Twin Peaks before it was Twin Peaks. Windswept presents as incidental musick, as a soundtrack of over and under and inbetween but it extends and creeps into the undergrowth, into motel carpet, into dreams, into the wind. <3


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Full Of Hell - Trumpeting Ecstasy (2017)

Calling up ancient uneasy jamz as it pushes past into the future, Trumpeting Ecstasy is the disorienting, disquieting blare of the forever now, pestilent, ruined, triumphant <3 nathaxnne