Friday, December 22, 2017

Dear Readers And Viewers

Dear Readers And Viewers:

If anyone reads this I wish all of you a wonderful Winter Solstice Season and end of 2017. I am writing this to ask if it would be possible to help with gas/food/medicine costs through Wednesday December 27, when I should again have a brief period of financial security. Please do not in any way feel obligated to assist. I work hard at my (possibly temporary) big box store job every week but the costs involved, including a 2-3 hour near-daily commute time, housing insecurity, work-related food beverage, increased reliance upon anti-inflammatories, etc, wipe out some of the marginal gains. If I had been able to secure a real place to live prior to working much of this would have been ameliorated but I have not been able to. Honestly at this point, anything would help. I have asked everyone in my immediate life to help as much or more than they can, and I have been reluctant to reach out into the internet, but I have no one else to ask. I am sorry. I honestly thought getting a job would solve this problem but clearly it has not. I am terrified of losing my job after December ends. I simply don't know what to do anymore. My google wallet acct is available through my email address: numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com.

I hope all is well with all of you.

<3 <3 <3

Monday, November 27, 2017

Pyrrhon - The Mother Of Virtues (2014)

The improv jam-band death metal NYC NOISE I have always needed in my life but never knew quite how much I needed until I heard it. 14 year old me would have been so so so in love and old old old me is indeed. <3 <3 <3

flag of interlock precipitate 1.0

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

uvular slump 1

Anatomia - Cranial Obsession (2017)

This is so rad!!! Doom/Death/Gore like if Planet Caravan was about watching your internal organs rot in timelapse until you were a husk that lots of other creatures enjoyed living in/on after they had (mostly) consumed you and this process was joyful and euphoric because it got you really really high. Incredibly awesome! <3

oozootic mountain 1.0

Rebel Wizard - Triumph Of Gloom (2017)

One of the best albums I have heard in forever. Necro thrash/black/nwobhm!!! I can't stop listening over and over!!!

a landslide brought me down 2.1

a landslide brought me down 2.0

a landslide brought me down 1.1

a landslide brought me down 1.0

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Unsane - Sterilize (2017)

There are the kind of days when you fail to work adequately at the big-box store as part-time seasonal help and feel like something that isn't even human or in touch with humanity at all due to essential frailty and decay and incompetence at even basic functions like seasonal cashiering at a big-box store in the days before black friday and you want to kill yourself and instead of killing yourself you listen to the new Unsane album because that kicks way more ass than killing yourself even if killing yourself might solve more problems than listening to the new Unsane album might but the new Unsane album has a really good reason to exist even if you don't. <3

frozen blight 1

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Dear Readers III

Dear Readers:

I wanted to supply an update to the last post of this nature. There is good and bad news, as always in life. The good news is that I have managed to acquire a seasonal part-time job in a big-box store for the months of November and December. I am limited in the number of hours/income I can receive through employment because I am on Social Security Disability but it is a good first step. I am hopeful that I will do a good enough job that they might offer me a permanent part-time job in the New Year. If that were to occur I would have to see if they would be willing to give me maximum hours in exchange for giving up SSD which I am loath to do because I have had to go off of disability before for a full-time job which lasted ten years but then re-apply for disability when I could no longer perform my duties. This was extremely difficult and traumatic and it took months to secure. Unfortunately I cannot live on what disability offers me. Working again for the first time since 2009 has been difficult. Since I last worked I have faced a lot of difficulties the worst of which is a brain injury acquired in June of 2010 which has altered my ability to function in the world more than any other thing in my life has, including prior and still extant chronic neurological and physical defects. I was good at my job when I worked in the 00's. I was polite and patient and I could multitask. I knew every system at my job and could problem solve, including helping other employees. Working today I felt ashamed of the person I now am, how slow and halting, how inarticulate, how unable to recall basic functions, how terrified. My old job was similar to my new job, which is cashiering, but the gulf in what I was to what I am now is unutterably vast. Many days I wish I had died when I hurt myself by accident in 2010. Most days I think it would have been a better outcome for myself and my family. Since then I have been unable to be the person I know I should be able to be for myself and for others. To not even be good enough to perform a seasonal cashier position is hard for me to come to terms with.

I have received some family help in getting what I need to go to work, but I still do not get paid for another week, next Thursday. I have enough to cover another week's rent at the weekly motel which I am staying at but I do not have any other money to cover gas, food, or medicine until that time. Where I am staying is an hour or more by highway from where I am working which is completely insane but I applied at a store I was familiar with, in the area I had lived before coming out all this way and where I would like to reside again. I must relocate soon, if only to temporary quarters closer to my job because I am terrified that winter weather will one day prevent me from going to work, causing me to lose my job. The possibility of getting a permanent part-time job is the only path I have to achieving stable housing due to minimum income requirements. I won't be able to do that until at least January. Anything that can help for the next week is greatly appreciated. I have a Google Wallet account at my email address numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. Please if you are reading this, do not feel obliged to assist. I know that times are not easy for any of us. I am tired of having to go through these lengths to acquire food and shelter and medicine. It feels painfully, cosmically wrong, especially for someone like me who doesn't feel like they should exist at all. I am angry at having to perpetuate life for something that isn't any good at it. It makes me angrier knowing that my labor is at the bottom of a pyramid designed to maximize wealth flows to the very apex of that pyramid without concern for those who support it at the bottom.

Thank You For Reading And Thank You For Your Care. Please Know It Is Deeply Appreciated.

<3 <3 <3



Thursday, October 19, 2017

Dear Readers II

Dear Readers Of This Blog: I wanted to give an update given the precarious situation outlined in my last blog post. This blog was supposed to be about music and art and not about homelessness and poverty and dispossession. Because of kindness shown to me by many people (which I am eternally grateful for), since last month I have managed to stay in the weekly motel I am staying in a few weeks longer but I am once again facing homelessness. I had to cancel an apartment showing because I do not have enough income or money to put down a first/last/security. I applied for and received a conditional offer to work seasonally at a big box store. Because I am on SSDI, the hours I can work are limited and the job is only for a couple of months but it is better than nothing. I had an interview a week ago and have not yet heard back from them. The job would be an hour away by highway. I haven't worked since 2009. I am terrified but have no other options. As of tonight I am once again facing homelessness starting tomorrow. I hate going through this every month. I spent money that I could have used on rent for this week on food as well as the supplements necessary to treat permanent brain injury because all I had to eat for a week was bread and peanut butter and I ran out of peanut butter. The battery of supplements I take are necessary for me to be able to have a modicum of cognitive fluidity and plasticity. Honestly I wish I would just die in my sleep tonight rather than have to face this over and over again. My self-worth is less than nothing. My mental health has been garbage for years. Living with physical and neurological disability has made my life marginal. Any poor decisions I have made count forever. Any good that I have done in life has not counted hardly at all. In midlife when most of the people that I know have stable homes and jobs I am reduced to begging for help because what I have to offer this world is not valuable enough. I honestly wish I could cease to exist and that everyone who has ever known me would lose their recollection of me or that I could never have been born to begin with. I am sorry this post is so despairing. I have been homeless for 15 months. I have failed so badly at life that this is what it comes to again and again. I know that if I could have a place to live with no natural gas (or right on a highway or contaminated with pesticides, etc) that I could afford (which is like at most like $500 rather than the $1000 I am paying now) and that I could have a part-time job to cover additional costs not covered by the pittance I receive from the government and what little help I receive from my family I could stabilize my life. That this has never happened must be my fault. At this point I am so desperate I would be willing to relocate in order to accept housing and employment, especially if it meant being able to move to a place where marijuana would be legal for medical use. I have been waiting for years. I don't know how I would manage that as I don't even have enough resources to avoid homelessness here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to update my last post. Correspondence, etc (if desired) can be left in comments here or directed to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. <3 nathaxnne

Friday, September 15, 2017

Dear Readers

Dear Readers: I don't know who might be reading this blog at present but I am in a situation in which although I have stable housing (presumably) until the end of this month, because of the expense of housing costs at this weekly motel I now do not have any money for food, medicine (including asthma medicine), water, or gasoline to acquire those things. My car really needs an oil change as I am about 1500 miles over the limit. I am loath to ask for assistance and am in fact ashamed to do so, but any contribution would be appreciated. This is not a scam. I rely upon disability from the federal government which amounts to (I think?) 60% of what I was making in 2009 when I was making $14 dollars an hour or so. There has been no appreciable cost of living increase since then and I am also paying for Medicare and Medicare Part D. I have tried desperately to acquire real housing and a job of some sort even though I have grave concerns about my ability to work, so far to no avail. I have been semi-homeless for 14 months. I have attempted to get housing assistance, food assistance, etc, and nothing has ever come of it. I receive limited help from one of my parents which amounts to half of my housing cost. I make up the rest of it, but I rely upon supplements to treat permanent brain injury for which there is no other effective legal medicine. At this point I fast 48 hours out of every week to help cut down on food costs as well as for potential neurological benefits. I feel like I am doing something wrong by writing this. I apologize. I would much rather be helping others than asking for help for myself. I don't really think that if I was supposed to be it would be like this but nonetheless I still am despite my wishes. I am set up with a google wallet account. My gmail dot com at is numbatwombat21. I appreciate your even reading this and I apologize. <3 nathaxnne PS I will delete this post either out of shame or when the need is no longer present. Thank You For Your Kindness. PPS - I do not use nicotine, alcohol, opiates or any illegal drugs. I (sadly) do not live in a state where medical or recreational marijuana is available. I just wanted to say that. I spend my time watching movies and I can't even afford to go see a movie in the theatre. I am not asking for help with anything like the above. That would not be ethical.

John Carpenter - 'Christine' from John Carpenter Anthology: Movie Themes (2017)

If John Carpenter wanted to give me a lift in Christine I would hesitate not at all. <3 <3 <3