Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Blood sacrifice of the firstborn to ancient gods, the real cost of kyriarchy. Eaten alive. Eaten whole. Excreted without a thought. Why must we give up our families, our loved ones to that which has imposed the highest cost of all and do so with thankfulness, with a smile and tears of gratitude? The state religion is nourished with our blood, our tears, our loss. Deny it that which is most precious to you. Do not give up. Do not give in.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Intricate, heavy, forlorn, resigned. Phobocosm's Bringer Of Drought is helping me cope with the sad and frightened bears rescued from fires at Dollywood, the dead coral, the migraine brought on by the fact that it is going to be in the mid-60's and raining all day again. Maybe the gnarled growth of new neurons! new neural pathways! will result from bathed in heavy death, in gravity-bending dooms.
Maybe it is the election, maybe it is all of the XMZZ stuff at CVS, maybe it is me retreating to something glimpsed before and held. I wanted to listen to the new Jenny Hval album which I have been waiting to be in 'a better place' to listen to since it came out, and that better place never arrived, or I was never able to go to it. So here I am in 2015, in an album that feels weirdly prescient of XMZZ Season 2016, of a stale, nihilistic resurgence of commercial Christianity, having 'won', at least for now, the right to murder 'Happy Holidays' and throw its body in a newly dug mass grave with so much room, still. Maybe it is the air of the 'edge of history', where the neoliberal 'end of history' ends violently subsuming into sublimated coup and rivers of blood money. The battle is over and the war looms ever on. Maybe by next fall I will be able to confidently share my feelings about the current Jenny Hval by the time she puts out a new album? That is a nice thought, that I will be here, able to listen to musick and comment on it, able to publish rambles on the internet, to have access to the internet which streams sound and visuals, to have a room with a desk for a computer, to be warm, to be dry, to not be incarcerated, to be as whole as possible, to be healthy enough to engage, to be able to listen to this and really focus and not be distracted by all of these other intrusive thoughts. In any case, Jenny Hval sounds to me like my anxiety and like my trouble and my worry and in that offers some comfort, like if the voices in my head were way better than the ones which were actually there. I wish I had never chased my demons away in 2014. Demons if you are listening if you are reading, I am sorry. I was wrong. I freaked out and said things I shouldn't. You are always welcome here. You have a place with me which is dry and warm. You needn't be afraid and alone. I am tired and empty without you. You leaving broke me. I know I was the one who said to leave, who said out, and I am so sorry. I was wrong. All of us live within another and within a series of anothers. I know this now. I always these days mean to type 'now' and I type 'know' instead and have to erase it. I wonder what that means, what it is indicative of. I want so badly to be in a better place, in a better person and I wonder if it will ever come to pass or if I have already failed.
I love Gorguts so much now, going on twenty years. I am old. Gorguts are older. Winding, meditative, coiled-up, jagged. Whole bird species in aspic, undead & writhing/jerking; spasms, I think, anti-anti-spasmodic. Loss of lots and lots and lots. All here, that loss, loss of knowledge, of wisdom, of accumulation of experience. The stars we see may already be corpses.
Those days when you wake up and feel like sludge and the water faucet is talking in black metal rasp/gurgle to you and it is raining outside and you can barely move and the president-elect of the united states is on twitter saying he wants to strip citizenship of anyone who burns the american flag. Maybe we should just all start defecating in #MAGA hats and leaving them outside strategic locations. What a stupid fascist symbol. I guess they all are, but after so many years of nazis trying out what they think is dope logography to have fascism take over amerikkka finally in a red cap is I guess fitting, except for #MAGA hats which don't fit anyone, not even the president-elect, who looks like a oversized little-leaguer drunk on antifreeze whenever he wears one. Goddess Aphonic brings that sax/bass/drums noise necessary to combat days like today or any day I suppose. Included for bonus rads is their video for 'AK-47' from their awesome album Psychic Din (2015), available for free download at their bandcamp page.
Monday, November 28, 2016
When is the last time you heard something and were like 'Yeah. OK. That is what the death knell of the planet sounds like. The planet is really mad. Really mad they are dying. Like this. Because of you.' and that was both comforting because you would expect the planet to be angry at being murdered for some second-order symbolic fascism after being strip-mined and laid to waste for same, and also terrifying because the planet is aware, the planet is angry, like really angry and bitter and sad and confused and lost but mostly really angry and you hadn't thought that they would feel so personal about things, but they do, after all, after all of this.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
As what is left of the False Enlightenment fully finishes its collapse into a tawdry and pathetic acceptance of the most cheaply vile tyranny it carefully cultivated and produced forth from itself, the question of 'What does this sound like?' can be answered by almost anything immediately present, but right now it sounds like Deathspell Omega's The Synarchy Of Molten Bones whose grandeur and power is inherent in every moment and passage, requiring no exterior coronation as it blazes from within.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
You don't remember where you are. You remember where you are. It is a starfield. You do not recognize the pattern. It is a pattern you have never seen before. Hair fallen on porcelain, dust collected on a surface becomes the surface. Eruption of what is shoved up, cooling later, becomes the crust.
Those parties gone to where anxiety comes out of every pore and sublimated through acting out and heavy intoxicant abuse until the walls breathe and melt and collapse and someone is yelling and yelling and yelling and that person is you. The punk equivalent of assuming the under-sink cleaners are OK to huff because they have been there long enough that they must have off-gassed all of the REALLY BAD toxins, but instead just concentrated them.
Like being dragged through the carcasses of dead suns by a team of dead horses, or something, as dust is dust evermore.
I got up this morning feeling like trash because of CPAP difficulties in the night and realized that now was the time to listen to the new Metallica album. I like every Metallica album for different reasons, and this is no exception. It is for sure full of mid-tempo Adult Contemporary MOR Post-Thrash chug & crunch and that is fine. I am VERY SAD that Kirk Hammett's riff/tune collection was lost prior to recording this. His guitar tone and endless experimentation have been what I have loved the very most about recent Metallica live stuff, etc, but life is learning how to deal with loss. That said, 'Halo On Fire' offers triumphant Hammett leads and plaintive, soaring classick rokk vibes. This is the one song on the album (so far) that I have stopped, rewound, listened to again and again. I have developed personal and meaningful feelings in and for and around it. A blackened, burnt halo of ash is something I understand. Hail Metallica!!! <3 nathaxn
Friday, November 25, 2016
Thursday, November 24, 2016
I hate Thanksgiving. I hate how it is a narrative of the onset of hundreds of years of genocide and betrayal, all of which is still going on to this day, in the United States Of America. I am thankful, though, for the Water Protectors of Standing Rock and their brave and necessary fight for Water, for Earth, for the Dignity and Survival of All against the lethal forces of Neoliberal Capital, Colonialism and the Police State which enforces those interlocking regimes. I am thankful and they are in my heart and my mind today. Maybe one day we can all have a Thanksgiving which is really worth its name, where all people and all beings come together in mutual respect and love and share what is best of ourselves with one another without selfishness, rancor, violence, hatred, ignorance. On that day I will love Thanksgiving. Until then we all must fight for that day in any and all the ways we are capable of, even if it will not come to pass in our lifetimes, still we must fight. <3 nxww
As longtime(?) readers of this blog or anyone who knows me knows, making an Elric-themed heavy metal project is certainly an excellent way to my heart, and if you decide to make it a Moorcock/Howard/Lovecraft trifecta of influence and indeed, awaken the Old Ones (ie mid-70's to mid-'80's dwelling denizens of the deep) in yr. Sword & Sorcery Airbrushed Van Metal, that is going to get extra attention for sure. Eternal Champion, from Austin, TX, weave beautiful epic fantasy narrative with clean, echoing vocals and galloping/surmounting riff-elements. This is the kind of thing that I know will inspire table-top campaigns across the lands from now and going forth into the dimly lit futurities. As good as this whole album truly is, I can relate to going through the dungeons of life with only ire to arm me against the lurking terrors. Here is their full-on bandcamp page: https://eternalchampion.bandcamp.com/
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
If I ever have semi-permanent access to a car again I make a solemn promise to make sure to affix to it a 'SATAN IS MY CO-PILOT' bumper sticker and if this car has a cd or cassette player I will jam my burnt (miss OG cass!) Kreator/Sodom/Destruction albums through it while wearing my now too-tight I am sure Pleasure To Kill Shirt just in the way that Deathhammer would undoubtedly want me to. Deathhammer sound unhinged in their adoration of early 80's Teutonic Thrash Chaos, just as it should be. This is the kind of musick where if you drop your lit joint in your lap you might not notice your screaming in pain because you were already screaming in pain but in good news Satan will have just saved your life through better focus on driving. Hail Satan! Hail Driver Safety!
Today I have been really into the various works of AETHER which all sort of hover around an ambient-electro-black-metal aesthetic but are also very different from each other. This full-length, Metamorphosis II, almost sounds like Streetcleaner-era Godflesh in a a Russian-Roulette-off with CODY-era Mogwai like those two bull mooses frozen in a stream together, antlers locked, translated into melancholy single-person black metal isolationism which really works for me. Not as soundscape or trance oriented as the singles/ep's which surround it, but definitely very high quality stuff. I dig the moaning/echoing vocals which sound like if the aurora borealis above the frozen moose corpses was made up of their ghosts, now all swirled together and efflorescent in the night sky. here is an interview with AETHER in OccultBlackMetalZine wherein among other interesting things, they stress being anti-homophobic/anti-fascist/anti-racist/anti-NSBM/pro-anarchy/pro-atheism which is right on. AETHER represents a kind of anti-mysticism which ends up embodying a sort of emptied transcendental feeling totally in keeping with the sound of their musick. Anomalia is a single from 2016 by AETHER which makes a kind of black metal/trance techno? hybrid from drum machine/loops. I am old enough that it reminds me of The Third Eye Foundation which I realize now is musick from 20 years ago. Anomalia is Futurist Black Metal Haze and that means a lot to me.
For those mornings when you wake up and immediately wish it was night and instead of just coping with the fact that it is day, you draw the blackout curtains shut and throw on some bleak, rambling doom you hope will eat your heart and mind whole, replacing all of it with noxious wah and affirmations that sound like negations. Cough's new album, six years in the making, is real good for that, especially if you put it on repeat like I did because then the stuff that initially seems repetitive shows its hooks and then you can wait for the decaying psych-rock flourishes which open up the second half of the album. This is music for when you are waiting for death to be finalized, when the heaviness is a comfort blanket, even if the choking clouds are toxic in the long run, how can that possibly matter. When being surrounded means at least you aren't going to die alone, until you realize that is no guarantee.
"We Don't Torture/We're A Civilized Nation" Let us not forget the torture which has been carried out in the name of civilization forever and for always. Let us never forget. (As an additional note let me give thanks that I grew up coextensively with punk/post-punk so that I always saw on my tv and heard on my radio women dressed in shirts and pants and short hair wielding their voices and their instruments unapologetically, refusing binary gender roles and thereby making that seem completely normative for people like me so that I could grow up thinking that I could wear a skirt or a dress while reading poetry or playing guitar or going to Denny's or the mall or to class (when I went to class). Thank You Lesley Woods and Everyone Who Fought And Who Still Fight Today) "They are closing down - communications They're taking control - of our situations The forces of control are gathering around our heads"
Monday, November 21, 2016
Buffy Sainte-Marie - 'My Country Tis Of Thy People You're Dying' from Little Wheel Spin And Spin (1966)
Genocide In Sub-Freezing Weather. Corporate Theft And Ritual Desecration As Official Policy. Militarized White Supremacy At The Behest Of A Dying Energy Sector. Necro-Capitalism Is Only Beginning Its Apex. #NODAPL These tactics extend from the very beginning of the conquering of The Western Hemisphere until Now. Genocide is both a means and an end. The energies companies always had tanks, always had the FBI, always colluded with police in assassination. I know this is a stupid blog, but to see unarmed people in freezing weather be bombarded with rubber bullets, tear gas, water cannons, sound cannons etc by police and private security firms at the onset of night for hours, is an act of clear warfare. There is a time to let go, White America, of your chosen illusions of the benevolence of power, of its rationality and its reasonableness. It seems absurd to even have to say these things, but there comes a time when to side knowingly with the forces of oppression and genocide, even after they have shown their hand over and over and over, for hundreds of years, is tantamount to collaboration. Either you have the courage to really look at yourselves and your families and the rhetoric and the language used to keep yourselves feeling OK about things as the world is dying at an ever accelerated rate, and everything which is not White Christian CisHet Euro/Anglo/Russia/U.S.A. is marked for death or permanent enslavement, think about what it means to profit knowingly or unknowingly from that world and to know that you always have. Please think about this now. There is not much time left to consider these things. Love, nathaxn
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Sorg is some kind of German black-ambient project from the 1990's that was recommended to me by dear friend Gregory Joseph. It is indeed awesome. It sounds like if you let synth-Cluster moulder in a well for 20 years and treated it with stale laudanum that had been rolling around in the back seat of your car under cheeto dust and blunt ash for that whole time also. The effectiveness of this treatment is debatable, but not the results!!! <3 SATAN!!!!
I find Stevie Nicks' tale of vampire loneliness and romance to be almost unbearably touching. I am apparently the kind of person who wakes up before dawn in order to cry at Stevie Nicks songs. So nothing really ever changes. This video looks like it was filmed in 1982, which adds to its out-of-time-charm. Also Stevie Nicks is dancing with an owl. The owl looks psyched, and how could you not be? Bonus fan-shot video of pretty good quality from recent Stevie Nicks tour featuring a breath-taking performance of 'Moonlight' as well as extended piano intro.
like an iron shroud whose success lay in falling, a falling over, a collapse not to be undone or roused from, not a magickal sleep, but a curse nonetheless, of that which cannot be fixed or restored. We can point to the strength of the shadow cast, the crushing weight, the lack of breath, the injuries sustained in the fall, the mutilation and the amputations which follow, the inability to see the sun, as proof of vast power. A function of misappropriation, of pointing and naming the incorrect object, only the proximate cause, making a cult from a corpse, priests out of those we assume to be necromancers, who are only stripping the body for parts. They do not and cannot command our loyalty, their regime an elaborate sleight-of-hand with one hand while the other hand holds you down or worse. The false necromancers feel that it is on us if we believed the lie, and they would be right. The corpse we are crushed by, that which rots atop us, was an abusive lover or parent or violent stranger at best. If we can pull ourselves, our wracked and heaving, bruised and maimed bodies out from under so as not to be absorbed into its corpse-mass, we should be able to see something else. What was stolen by the thieves, the false necromancers, was not what was valuable. Not the pocketwatches and the rings and the jewels and the infrastructure, but the energies and the nutrients unbound by the fall, powered through the rot. The constituent parts of the fallen, unshackled now, can return to the earth and rise again as something new, not just as one thing, but as many, contrary and divergent. Let us allow for this. Just because we cannot see the light from here does not mean the sun is gone.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Fear of one's own double, living one's life afraid of the death of the self and the becoming of the other, consigning oneself to a living death, alone and terrified in hiding, not understanding that the death of one self is the liberation of the next. This song moves me very deeply, well below the surface. Cretin's whole album Stranger is very good, at the borders of old-school gore/grind/death/horror/madness. You can listen to it on bandcamp here: https://cretin.bandcamp.com/album/stranger I especially also recommend the second song, "Ghost Of Teeth And Hair", which has a poignant separated/eaten teratomatic ghost/twin reunion at its heart. This also has very real resonance with the larger program of Cretin. This whole album just rules. Parts of it are gnarly in sound and in theme, as befits. I also totally heart 'We Live In A Cave' which I totally relate to because I want to live in a cave, in the welcoming dark. OK OK only one more favorite. 'Honey And Venom' is honestly one of the best narrative grind songs I have ever heard. Cretin are one of those bands it is so worth reading the lyrics to even if some times they are gross. In the case of 'Honey And Venom' they are just awesome. "BEEEEEEEESSS!!!!" Here also is a full set from the 2013 Decibel Tour
Here is an interview conducted with Marissa at the outset of that tour:
Here is an interview conducted with Marissa at the outset of that tour:
I dreamt that i walked to the bottom of the continental shelf deep under the water. There before me was an abyssal plain. I dug with my hands in the silt before me in the unlight and i dug until i found a magick ring and a magickal shield and these had been owned by the gods and cast aside. I put the ring on my finger. I readied the shield as best i could as i made by way back up the mountain to the surface.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wwSCzGtN130" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Death To Credit. Death To The Rentier Economy. May It End Before The Final Day.
Death To Credit. Death To The Rentier Economy. May It End Before The Final Day.
To Those In Offices Of Power On This Transgender Day Of Remembrance 2016: Earlier today I read the list of the recorded transgender people who died by violence from November 20th 2015 to November 19tj 2016 and I think to myself, how many more that have gone unlisted? How many by suicide? By preventable illness? From malnutrition or other causes related to homelessness? From grief and from broken hearts? I wonder how many more transgender people are doing to die as a result of people emboldened by a Trump/Pence Regime, the promised rescension of Federal Transgender Protection and the promise of the outright promotion of discrimination against LGBTQIA+ people in the guise of religious freedom, how little lives are worth now and how much less will lives be worth a year from now, deaths cheap and scattered thick upon the ground. The promise of living in a society which regards you as a person, as human, full of love and fear and sadness and hope, only to have that promise, never fully proffered, revoked before it can be fulfilled. To those in offices of power or those ascending to offices of power, to those who would seek, as policy, these deaths, silencings, erasures, please know that although you consider your ability to hate unfettered greater than the extension of empathy to those unlike you, know that by closing that door, you are closing the door on friends, coworkers, family members, lovers. yourself. Do these faces not haunt you even now? Is your hatred that strong, that you can live with the faces, of those you have or have not met but would gladly condemn to death, to imprisonment, to poverty, starvation, injury, illness, to murder, tell me that you can live with these faces and the faces of all beings you deny life, deny personhood to, haunting you at every moment of your life, every time you close your eyes and ever after. Is it that you already have so much blood on your hands that you feel that much more won't make a difference? Do you feel righteous in your anger, in your hatred, in your condemnation? Are you so very sure that you are an instrument of holy vengeance? Would you gladly face that wrath yourself? Would that matter to you? From this day forth you have the option of not condemning these others to death or to a living death. You have the option to instead extend kindness, assistance, recognition. It is within your power. Even if you have already done horrible things, proposed horrible things, written into law horrible things. You need not continue to do so. You have the option of casting aside the unrecognizing gaze, the gaze which can only see what it has always seen, and begin to see anew, begin to see those unlike you as both different and yet capable of feeling the love and the joy and the fear and the sadness and the anger that you presumably feel, begin to use the power that you possess to make this world a kinder and more hospitable place for everyone. It is not too late to start. May Peace Be Upon You. <3 nathaxn walker PS: Please remember that offices of power are temporary and fleeting things, subject to change and dissolution, while what you do, the actions that you take inside and outside of those offices, that lasts forever, encoded eternally, reverberating endlessly. Please remember. nxww The Names And The How: https://tdor.info/ http://transrespect.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/TvT_TMM_TDoR2016_Namelist_EN.pdf
Nearing the end of 2016, the most brutal year on a personal and cosmic level I have ever lived through, cold and isolated in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, this album is what I need to not die right now. I feel just as jacked up as this album looks and sounds. The harsh orchestral pounding noise is comforting. The plaintive vocals warily draw me in, the poisoned dance rhythm trax are the carriage and the accentuation. This album knows the world is a heavy place that none of us will survive, not even the world itself. Death Disco on a colossal scale. Like when you are scrolling through your phone and you see that hundreds of puffins have died in a matter of months or 80,000 reindeer due over a 7 year period, the puffins and the reindeer starving to death, connected but forever separate, joined now in looming extinction. To live in a world in which mass extinctions are just another news item to scroll past, to forget as the next catastrophe rises to blot out the memory of the one just prior and the one receding before that. We live in a world in which atrocity and policy are one and the same, not directed to any specific end, other than their own, because it is possible, because it gives the wielder of atrocity a brief sense of lulz, a brief flash of power in a world of ever-greater distributed and lessening agency. Our agency is constrained or amplified by the use of agency of those who have come before us just as the use of our agency will constrain or amplify those who come after.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Raw, gothic, profane black metal from early 90's Turkey. Although it is something I don't typically note, Ebonsight have claim to being the first all-female black metal band ANYWHERE and as such I give honor to true pioneers. Also their vocalist/guitarist is named “Countess Ominous Demoness” which is beyond awesome. Ebonsight are additionally notable for their more extended beautiful lead/near-lead riff forays which stray far from wall-of-sound blur. Hail Ebonsight Hail!!! Note: Countess Ominous Demoness is also featured in the video "The Female Vocalists Of Extreme Music pt. 46" compiled by the excellent website The Female Vocalists Of Extreme Music.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
So I went to bed yesterday at like 1pm and got up at 2:30am. This is not normal for me, but everything is so badly messed up with my circadian rhythms and how to function that I don't even know anymore. While I was asleep I had a vision that persisted. It was a Lion's Head Against A Field Of Stars. The Lion's Eyes Were Ragged Holes. This vision was clearly patterned off of this Today Is The Day album which I have owned like forever? I am sure Steve Austin and I would disagree on nearly everything but I have gotten through some angry/rough moments in my life by listening to Today Is The Day so I thank Steve for that. This is also an album that has some stuff on it that I can't in good conscience repost here so you can look it up if you want. I believe my vision has allegorical meaning. If you all haven't seen it, the Trump symbol is a lion or a lion head surrounded by stars. I am not going to repost any version of it here because. The blindness of the lion is not something that is yet to happen. It is happening now. Trump is an empty/blind figurehead for the forces which are assembling in his name and under his banner. This is terrifying. However, I also believe that there is hope in the vision. If that which has assumed power is blind and hollow, it gives us a chance to fight. Let us fight. Hail To Thee!!! Love! <3 nathaxn Important Update: So since the beginning of 2016, there are people who have been assembling what they call the "Lion Guard" which are fascist militias waiting for Trump to be elected so that they will have official state sanction. State Sanctioned Militias are something that should terrify everyone. This is real. This is happening. We have known about it for a long time. Here is a website from February 2016 which warns of the threat! http://trumplionsguard.com/
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Exhausted, mournful, screaming until hoarse. Beyond sick, beyond tired, beyond tears, barely able to speak. Still the flame burns from within. Ragana's Wash Away is one of the best things I have heard in so so long. If you need something to hold you and comfort you in your pain but will never ever tell you that everything will be alright because it knows it never has been and it never will be, Ragana is there for you. Gloriously. Bonus!!! Here is Ragana peforming 'Tired' live in studio. So Awesome.
Monday, November 14, 2016
What I cannot stop listening to today is Wovenhand's Refractory Obdurate. I meant to listen to their new one, but this one snagged my ear and my heart. Seeing as I am both Refractory and Obdurate perhaps it was meant to be. I have been a fan of David Eugene Edwards since 16 Horsepower back in the day but only fitfully paid attention to later offerings. This has been on my radar since release but life, etc, etc. All of that was a terrible mistake. Refractory Obdurate is like 80's Goth-Folk Psychedeli-Metal Noise-Tweaked and Repurposed for Christian Witnessing. There is very little that has ever been like it in American Musicks. This is for the Fire of the Holy Ghost Descending. I am now so excited to listen to their new album. Do not be like me. Do not let this pass you by.
Beauty In The Beast is my favorite Wendy Carlos album. The first one I ever owned was Digital Moonscapes (1984), the immediate precursor to Beauty In The Beast, on vinyl, which I was able to pick up at a library sale in high school and it blew my mind. I had heard her work before in movies like The Shining, Tron and A Clockwork Orange, but mid-80's full-digital Wendy Carlos is another kettle of psychedelic fishes altogether! Roaring, swirling, pounding, escalating, inhaling/exhaling. A sound both wholly alien and one that seems to embrace everything all at once. Classical/noise/ambient/space/acid together! Where Digital Moonscapes was very kosmische and spacy, Beauty In The Beast returns to an earth teeming with organic life and activity, embracing many different tonalities and tunings and scales, drawing upon many different musickal traditions. I <3 Wendy Carlos so much! She has been part of my life from so early on! And now more than ever her status not only as an electronic music pioneer but as a transgender heroine is vitally important to remember and to record and to celebrate. I forever honor her and her work! Hail Wendy Carlos Hail!!! nxww
As someone who appreciates stumbling, echoed, cavernously layered psychedelia, let me say that this is one of the greatest things I have ever heard. Hails Indeed to my friend Alien Brian who turned me onto this!!! If you feel confused, lost, unable to come to rational thought or direction, this mussick will not help at all, but is right there with you. However, sometimes a glorious, searching, achingly beautiful guitar lead with ascend from the murky fog until it collapses back into the foggy rot beneath. Utterly incredible. As far as precursors go, there aren't many, but imagine if Chrome stuck together long enough to be on PSF records and get high on industrial black metal? But way more awesome than that.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
There are those times when you are sorting through a stack of music and nothing feels right because you are too sad or too depressed (they are different!) or too keyed-up or restless or angry or panicked and then you come across that exactly right thing. That is what happened to me this afternoon with Downfall of Gaia's Atrophy. Originally I was going to pick one song from here to be representative, but I ultimately just want you to listen to the whole thing in order. Nothing yet, nothing new, anyway, sounds to me like how I feel right now. I think I am passing through the Total Fear into Wistful, Forlorn Sadness, with Fulminating Anger on the horizon. Downfall Of Gaia are a band that sound like their name. Whatever possibly foolish hopes we may have had for preserving most if not all of life on our Earth seem like they have been vanquished forever by the petty machinations and pathetic egos of white cishet men more frightened of their own obsolescence than the destruction of all life and all beings. Downfall Of Gaia is musick for weeping, for raging, for laying on the rug in a fetal position when nothing else is possible anymore. It is musick for mourning what hasn't left but is leaving. I am also all about jazz drums under/around chorally expansive black metal riffs. That is my jam, at least one of them. I feel like I have run out of time and out of resources and out of what was left of me, without having enough to become something different, something better than this. Downfall Of Gaia, incredibly, is helping. Maybe it will help you too! <3 nathaxn
I really need to reconstruct my ability to sleep, my ability for my body and mind to heal and detox. I need indica and acupuncture. I need a place to live, more importantly I need a home which is as safe as possible. I need more than occasional human contact in person with people who are not MRA Nazi Frog White Nationalist Christian Supremacists. I don't have any of that. I don't know how to make that happen. I am bad at living and hate that I need others to help me with so much of it when I am patently not worth it. I am terrible at self care. What I can offer myself in the way of self care is Kim Gordon/Bill Nace on the soon-to-be-dismantled Internet. I feel like I don't have the right to self care when so many are fighting, resisting, being hurt or worse at the hands of hatred. I feel like a fraud, like a hypocrite, sitting in a hotel room going out of my mind, doing nothing for anyone, barely able to be human whatever that is. How do you do self care when you can't care for yourself? I went to the doctor yesterday to get asthma medicine and my pulse rate was extremely high and never went down the whole time I was there. I can feel the pain in my heart. I can feel the stress killing me. I can't imagine how others feel. I am sorry to keep writing this stuff. I feel like a broken record. I feel like if I was supposed to live through this I would have made better choices in the past, been a better person. My isolation, my debility, my injuries and my illness are all my fault. I don't expect anyone to even read this, maybe no one should. You should, however, listen to Kim Gordon. She is awesome. As far as I am concerned, Body/Head > Sonic Youth for all time. Love, nathaxn
Yoko Ono & John Lennon - 'Don't Worry Kyoko (Live)' from Some Time In New York City (1972, but recorded live 1969)
When someone tells me not to worry. When someone tells me everything will be ok. When someone tells me my upset is due to psychiatric problems. We are worried for a reason. There is no reason not to be worried. Nothing has ever been ok. Not now, not ever. We have an epidemic of psychiatric problems because life has been made unlivable for billions of people under a predatory colonial/imperial/neoliberal regime which has now signed our death warrant. I will fight until I die. I don't care how long I live anymore. I don't want to die from dementia or brain injury. I want to be as centered as I can be so I can fight, so I can send spiritual energy and words and whatever comfort I can provide others out into the world. I might not be much help, but I will be the help that I can. Join Us. LOVE nathaxn
Saturday, November 12, 2016
I've been feeling real down and listening to this lecture made me feel better. Leslie Feinberg strongly articulates that Liberation can only come about through Solidarity. LBGTQIA, Black, Latinx, American Indian, Asian, Women, Workers, Muslims, Immigrants, Homeless, Ecological, Disability, Economic Equality, Decolonizing, Peace Movements, all of us need to come together and work together and fight together, in multiplicity and as one. If we come together and say that we will not accept oppression from any direction, from any corner. Now is the time to communicate with one another, to plan and coordinate, to love one another and organize against hatred and oppression. The history of the United States is a history of codified and normalized genocide, enslavement, colonization, dispossession and theft. It is also a history of resistance to that normalization and to those patterns and practices. History is not a story of linear forward progress to a utopian condition. History is a story of continuous struggle, continual resistance and the forces which attempt to isolate and crush that resistance. Those who form the forces of oppression are able to organize quickly, able to understand their interests are interlocked. They have their own Solidarity. That is why it is called Totalitarianism. It is a Totalizing Force, a Full Spectrum Imposition of Will. It isn't about winning and losing. If our current situation has taught us anything, it is that winning and losing are temporary, that space for survival, for thriving, must be carved out within and against, and those spaces must be actively defended and maintained, by our actions and our words and our ideals, over and over and over. We cannot rely upon any government to protect us. We cannot rely upon the rule of law to protect us. We cannot rely upon the goodwill of those who have sworn to expel, to murder, to imprison, to erase or fix us to their liking. We can only rely upon each other. We can only rely upon ourselves. Wherever people are being oppressed, being scorned and bullied and despised, we need to be with them, and to let them know that we are with them. It isn't that the fight has just begun, it is that the fight has never ended. We must fight. We must fight for our lives and the lives of all beings. We must accept that there will be loss after loss. We must never give up. If we fight, we can only fail when we forget to fight, when we cease to fight, when we grow complacent. We must fight hatred not with hatred, but with love and kindness and anger. We must love one another because we cannot ever rely upon anyone else to. We must learn to love ourselves as we are, to see ourselves as beautiful, to see ourselves as powerful. If we learn to live against our fear, against that which seeks our death, to live for this world, for each other, for ourselves, for all of life, for beauty and wonder and for love, there is something in that which cannot be extinguished, no matter what. They can imprison and torture and destroy our minds and our bodies, but they cannot ever win. Solidarity Forever. <3 <3 <3 nathaxn
Friday, November 11, 2016
Watching this clip, the end of an interview, Pasolini remarks how Fascist Architecture and Urban Planning, once reclaimed by human life, recede into daily living, their terrifying kitsch eradicated through habitation and use. This is a reminder that all regimes fall, their monuments lose the significatory power intended for them quickly. Pasolini also remarks that late-capital has produced a homogeneous flattening of society which can only refer back to itself, making it a greater tyranny than classical fascism. Do not despair, however, this too shall pass.
Just a reminder that thirty years ago, in 1986, when Coil recorded this cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Who By Fire', queer genocide was the official policy of the Reagan Administration. Some of these people, including disgraced ex-Attorney General Edwin Meese, are getting onboard the Trump Train as I write these words. This is not only a nightmare, it is a recurring nightmare. The vice-president-elect, Mike Pence, allowed HIV to spread in Indiana by dragging his feet on enacting needle exchange, and has proposed diverting federal AIDS funding to Conversion Therapy Programs to cure queer people of their queerness by abuse, torture and electroshock. Whatever is left of public health and welfare programs are on the immediate termination block. This is a regime which ran on a platform of cultural and ethnic cleansing. A regime which ran and won on a platform of genocide. No Accommodation. No Collaboration. I have been thinking on and off about killing myself because I can't take any more of 2016, but then I read by accident that alt-right nazi frog trolls over at the Daily Stormer have been exultantly planning to bully vulnerable people into killing themselves on the internet because they can't wait to take away health care and send us to their prisons and gas chambers and reeducation camps. They have been telling us exactly what they want to do for years and years. They told us when we objected to being threatened with violence, rape and murder that they were just kidding and we were too uptight and too politically correct. I always knew they were serious. I always knew Trump was serious, and worse, I knew, in my heart of hearts, by Autumn 2015 that he was going to become president of the united states and I told everyone around me. Listen, nazi frog trolls - I am not going to kill myself. If you want me dead, you will have to do it by your own hands because you don't get to exult in my death, a death you will never even know about but I am going to make sure you hear from me while I am still alive. You may get to live a long time, never regretting your decision to back a White Ethno-Nationalist Xtian Misogynist Death Machine but the White Male Xtian paradise you dream of, without annoying/scary black/brown people, non-subservient women, confusingly non-compliant queers, SJW killjoys, etc, is doomed. It is doomed because you are a minority of a minority. Your world really is disappearing because you have decided to declare war on the world that wasn't you rather than embracing a world larger than you. I feel sorry for your stupid asses. You will never know a beauty greater than your pathetic self-serving narcissism. You want the world to be a mirror to your most putrid and venal attributes. You declare victory. Mission Accomplished and all that. Moreover, your White Xtian CisHet Paradise is doomed also because you voted in someone who will ensure that rampant anthropocentric climate change and biocide due primarily to fossil fuel and big agriculture not only continues but is accelerated and magnified. Our death was more important to you than even your own lives and the lives of your children. I hope you feel good about yourselves. Thrill in this moment, because from now on, a creeping, hollow unease after the glory of winning will set into you, make its home in the empty shallows where a human heart once was. You will never know true sleep, never know rest. You will always wonder if you were wrong. You will continue to blame others as your complicity in Universal Extinction eats you alive from within. Some of you will change your minds. Some of you will mean it and try to work for a better world. Some of you will cry and say it was just trolling, just a joke, just a protest but you won't really think you are wrong. You will just repudiate your rotting movement once it becomes expedient for you to do so. This isn't a curse or a hex I am laying on you because I am a witch. This is a curse you have laid upon yourselves and you will bear it forever. And it will get heavier as time goes on. How do I know this? Because I see it all around me and inside of me. I am 42 and I am nearly ready for death. Not a day goes by that I do not regret all of the awful atrocities I have committed and been a complicit party to. They are many. There is no absolution. There is no forgiveness, not really. Because it will never erase what you have done because you know inside what you have done is wrong. I am only advising you as someone who bears the weight of their own sin. You think Jesus will wipe your sin away. That isn't how it works. God might bear your sin, Jesus might bear your sin because you are part and parcel of your god, and your god suffers along with you, within you. But you cannot ever be clean. You cannot ever get rid of the consequences and the stain of your own actions and orientation to the world. Sure, one day you might put away your Pepe Memes and your MAGA hats. Maybe you will advance to more sophisticated forms of fascism and racism, maybe you will reject that altogether, but you will never be free from having done that. The best that you can hope for is to repudiate this now. That sinking feeling you are already feeling? It isn't going to go away. It is going to get worse. And it is your fault. If you reject hatred now it will take up less of you in the future. This is some friendly advice. One thing, though, that even though I want to die, and many many many people are going to die by your hand or their own which you will have pushed, or by removal of health care or death by cop or by violent mob, in me you have a person who isn't going to die by suicide, at least not yet. You, you mra fundamentalist nazi billionaire-worshippers, you have given me life, and for that I say Thank You. LOVE!!! nathaxn
If you are the dealer, I'm out of the game If you are the healer, it means I'm broken and lame If thine is the glory then mine must be the shame You want it darker We kill the flame
--- your laws do not compel me to kneel grotesque and bare
Thursday, November 10, 2016
One of my favorite things to listen to these days is my friend Claire's band Girl Werewolf, who have an awesome noise/garage/swamp/psych punk thing going on, one which honors void and revolt, drift and fury. They recorded a new song called 'Burning Knee' which is a perfect encapsulation of this aspect of Girl Werewolf's vibe. It for sure has helped me feel better today, and for all the days where you don't want to or can't pick which poison seems less worse, there is nowhere to go, and you keep going on anyway. REFUSE!!! RESIST!!! LOVE, nathaxn PS: all that Girl Werewolf stuff is super awesome! Here they are on bandcamp: https://girlwerewolf.bandcamp.com/releases <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
I need to sleep. I can't. It has been weeks or longer since I have been able to sleep. I have been having panic attacks for months, some that go all night. They have subsided in their ferocity for the most part, but in their wake comes a unceasing restlessness that gives me shallow, broken sleep at best, getting worse by the day as the United States election approached. I looked forward to just being able to put the anxiety behind me, but now I don't know how I will ever sleep again. I am a disabled person who is living in a Days Inn, one who has just recently come out as queer/nonbinary and who desperately needs access to medical marijuana which is not yet available where I live. I am older, 42 years old, and feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in the wake of the worst year I have ever lived through so far. I lived through 8 years of Bush II, in anger and fear and despair and frustration. That was before my chronic illnesses took what was left of my fire and vitality. Part of me wants to cease to, exist this morning because the challenges ahead, both personal and macrocosmic seem too great to surmount. I feel an animal need to leave Pennsylvania and to go somewhere like California or Oregon (or maybe Massachusetts as a distant third) in order to gain access both to a community which recognizes the validity of non-CisHet Lives and which can offer legal marijuana. These things are of course under immediate potential assault from a Trump/Pence Administration. These are people who will ramp up the Federal War On Drugs and engage disastrously with the LGBTQIA Community at best, at worst using Federal monies for medicalized reeducation camps for gay & queer people. My ex-partner and kids live here and I am beyond broke, living on help from my mom, a Trump voter who would not possibly begin to understand the existential threat his candidacy has plunged millions of people. I am white. I am able to 'pass' as male. I don't have it nearly as difficult as people who don't have the privilege I enjoy, who are in the crosshairs of a dangerous and virulent White CisHet Christian Nationalism, people who are immigrants, who are Muslim, who are black and brown. I want to fight. I have no choice. I feel scared and alone. I was already facing the most difficult year of my entire life when this has come to pass and now everything feels just that much harder. I honestly don't know what to do. I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I can't.
FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Dear Everyone And Everything: I am a Non-Binary Satanic Queer Anarchist Witch. I am for Magick, for Drugs, for Love, for Self-Determination. I am against War, against Hate, against Law And Order, against Capital, against the State, against the Nation. I want to be very clear. Today's United States Election happened not because people were economically dispossessed. It happened because white people were frightened of losing their grip on power and their perceived role at the top of hierarchy in a changing America. They voted for Hate, for Misogyny, for CisHet Supremacy, for White Nationalism. This was a line drawn. Donald Trump is a leader in the model of Farage and LePen. We do not owe him or what he stands for our allegiance, our respect or our compliance. Donald Trump is not and will never be my leader or my president. He cannot and will never have authority over anyone who does not grant it to him. I will fight. I will fight with my words and with my very being everything this regime represents. They want to erase, convert, imprison, silence and bury those that do not conform to their AmeriKKKan Dream. Over my shallow grave. That will never happen. Our bodies, our minds and our souls are not theirs to define, to control, to destroy. I don't care if I die. I will never relent. I will never shut up. I will never stop fighting. Hail Satan. LOVE nathaxn
Monday, November 7, 2016
Throwing Muses (Kristin Hersh Solo) - 'Firepile', 'Pearl' & 'Delicate Cutters' Live on MTV 120 Minutes (1992)
I was going to put something else here but this is what wanted to be here. The push/pull of bodies, of fighting and striving against oppression in cars and rooms and houses and buildings, crazy versus malignant, crazy wins or at least survives malignancy, survives the best efforts inside and outside to remove it and contain it and exterminate it. I love solo acoustic Kristin Hersh the very best. Staring past what is there to the there beyond the there and the there beyond that. The little deaths as a victory against the larger death, against silence and finality. A silence spoken from within rather than imposed from without.
Legitimately one of the most shiver/tremor-inducing 8+ minutes of anything in 2016, Oathbreaker here move into ritualized installation/performance art summoning fire from the air around them, leaving ash, the remanants of burnt atmosphere, behind.
I imagine Alan Vega performing in an awesome fringe jacket on a UFO in Outer Space to an audience of nearly impassive yuppie angels who give a standing ovation before everything is drowned in echo so fierce it spawns black holes. Its a wipeout beat.
Nightride is oneiric, dreamy and gauzy, in layers of partially translucent sound, a way to pass time outside of time. It seems appropriate that its release is close to the end of Daylight Savings Time, so that the extra hour can be spent listening to this. Although there seems to me to be an aura of chill-out room or the chill-out channel on cable music selections over the whole of Nightride, 'Lucid Dreaming' is not only the first song, but the one that reminds me the most of late 80's/early 90's Ambient Techno. Explicitly ambient r&b has been around since what, at least the late 60's, but Nightride is certainly a misty mountain peak of the form. Lots of throw pillows, at least, that is what I would think?
Having spent the entire late night shift here at Radio Days Inn Lancaster listening to Against Me!'s Transgender Dysphoria Blues (2014) over and over and crying my eyes out, I knew I wanted to have an Against Me song on here and I thought of lots I wanted to post, but I knew it would be this one because here I am a ghost, unable to move on, having lost who I was but not yet having anything to be. I can vouch re: the palm rats. They are totally all over Florida. I miss Florida, but mostly in exile. I am even lame a being a ghost.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Say you are sleeping after being up for days in your Days Inn room feeling freaked out about an election where there is no good outcome and you finally decide to try to go to sleep even though like an idiot you don't turn the stupid TV off and you sleep until something impacts the building or from the other side of the wall so hard that not only do you wake with a start but you feel like it has directly impacted you because you have a stupid brain injury from 2010 that never healed that you got at a hardcore/sludge show and six years have passed since then and in that time you really learned what there is to lose when you thought you had nothing to lose so you wake up sick with impact and realize that you have no food or water or medicine and you have to walk across the busy street to get to those things and they might not even be at the CVS or the Giant or whatever so of course instead doing that you decide to listen to some disgustingly heavy Pittsburgh hxcx from Code Orange because their new video has some lame 00's Cannibal Corpse Occultist Murder Vibe but seriously it is heavy. I can't stop listening to this song. The 90's industrial damage, the concrete circle-pit junk, the pick scrape sweeps, the bass hits, the blood, the candles. This rules so hard. I really have to get food and stuff but I keep listening to this instead. This is why I am unable to take care of myself.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Haunted Folk-Psych for a Post-American Landscape. Spectral enough to terrify but present enough to fully absorb. Art Nouveau guitar ebb & spurt & flare. Forgotten days. After the flood has come and gone and evaporated there will still be stories about the flood. There will be contours where it has left its marks. What language will be used to indicate the shape and weight of the flood? The older languages, the parts that survive, that are useful because being able to be put to use, because buried so deep and uncovered by the movements of land and water. The roots previously hidden by the trees.
FDT To Infinity And Beyond Forever
FREE CHELSEA MANNING!!! RIGHT NOW!!! (the fact that Chelsea Manning could face the prospect of lifetime imprisonment and torture at the hands of the U.S. Government for exposing the hows of U.S. Imperial Warfare but refused to do so misgendered makes her even that much more my hero. The Source is an Opera based upon the documents released by Chelsea along with documents about the people and the events surrounding that release and all of what happened after. The fact that Chelsea Manning has attempted suicide again while in solitary confinement as a punishment for a prior suicide attempt is an intolerable state of affairs. This is atrocity. Release Chelsea Manning NOW. I wish I had more and better words today but I do not. Release Chelsea Manning. Release Chelsea Manning. Release Chelsea Manning. Now. <3 <3 <3
If there were to be a shortlist of albums which impacted my life more than any other, Tricky's Maxinquaye would be at the very top of the pyramid. Now that the United States of America has seen the arrival of a (White) Nationalist Party in the form of Trumpism, 'Hell Is Round The Corner''s depiction of Imperial Collapse and the subsequent rise of White Identity movements amidst a polyglot and multicultural society is just as applicable/terrifying in 21st Century America as it was to Pre-Millennial Britain. I don't care about the United States as a Nation-State but I sure as heck care about the power it can wield and the communities and lives which live within it and under its rule. Resist Psychick Deth!!! (The best Public Enemy cover ever)
Because I am still not sleeping and visions of the Trump(s) Of Doom are rattling through my mind, I think what is good to deal with these feelings? A Blackened Industrial Symphonic Black Metal Mass of course! THIS TOTALLY WORKS!!! Cities on flame with rock n roll, indeed! Growling, hissing, sputtering, glitching crescendos of mountainous filth and direness. I am psyched. I am still not psyched for Donald Trump to make the entire world into a golfcourse/sweatshop, but if the entire world inverts itself and collapses through the floor into Hell Itself, there could not be a grander soundtrack than Denigrata's Missa Defunctorum!!! Here is their whole album!!!
Hey blog-world. I haven't been here in a while. I am bad at keeping-up! Mostly I have been writing about movies but now I am not sleeping and I am worried about shelter and the election so of course I spend all of my time listening to Germs because that is what makes sense. I am in the world like a puzzled panther, too, Darby, one with a brain injury and a legacy of bad exorcisms hanging out at The Days Inn for months agoraphobically. Evolution isn't fast enough for me to adapt to life. I am bad at it. I am sure that everyone thinks this, but I wish that Darby could have lived to see the TV show Manimal because I watched that all of the time and it was about a man who could turn into animals to solve the kinds of problems that take place on early 1980's hour-long sci-fantasy/drama shows. I watched it all of the time. It wasn't all that great, but it was my favorite show when it was on. It was better than Knight Rider or Automan. I like the font that they put below Darby so that you can read along. Darby is one of my favorite punk lyricists ever. Spending decades and decades listening to Germs definitely affected my writing both right away and in the long run. Not that you could tell now. Darby's rat-tail is so cute. I would like to make him a cup of tea or instant coffee, if I had any clean mugs. I am just using the dirty ones. I know it is gross. They collect bacteria.