Crime Mob - 'Stilettos' from Crime Mob (2006)

Let's Eat Grandma - 'It's Not Just Me' from I'm All Ears (2018)

Kacey Musgraves & Lana Del Rey - 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' from The Kacey Musgraves Christmas Show (2019)

christmas eve eve

dear everyone i am writing this with a very severe migraine. i had a very bad whiplash injury yesterday when my car was at a light. either someone hit me from behind or my car engine bucked horribly. the entire car jolted forward violently, giving me a whiplash injury. i was on my way to work. i got to work in so much extremis i couldn't control my tear ducts, volume or saliva. my entire body was shaking. i had to go sit in an office for an hour before telling my job i couldn't work. then i had to sit at work not working, losing 6 hours of income, a major part of my paycheck. i was so despondent and unable to control my responses that someone later called the cops to come to my house which was alarming. the chronic pain is so severe all the time. my car is hurting me because i cannot get it serviced. it is not a good car but i need engine maintenance badly which i cannot afford. eventually the car will just die because i cannot afford to get it fixed AND i need someone to help coordinate with a mechanic which i don't have. today my migraine from yesterday's whiplash increased steadily which it also will tomorrow, christmas eve, when i have to take whatever i have and drive for hours on the highway before working all night. i don't have enough money but my disability check from the government does not come until wednesday, christmas, when i will not be at work but i also cannot get ANY of the necessary medicine which runs out tomorrow morning. i also have to go get a bunch of anti-inflammatories ALSO tomorrow before work. i don't know if i will be able to do this. i am so screwed i just want to die. no one was able to help last week so here is what i need from help this week:

mmj: two  eighths of cbd flower: $120. two eighths of thc flower: $120 two disposable cbd/thc pens for while out or at work: $80 (total $320) $320

rent: i had to use 1/2 of the rent for this month for last week's medicine. i have paid no rent for dec. i owe $540. i will be able to pay half of my rent out of the disability check but need help with the half i used last week so $270 or $540

then i need to get tomorrow, christmas eve, necessary cns supplements i won't be able to get on christmas, including fenugreek, yarrow, true cinnamon, l-theanine. these aren't that much, say $35 total, and that is not including whatever gas, so maybe $15 for gas. yarrow controls the ibs, so that is important, as is the l-theanine, which helps with mood/cognition.

i have a target giftcard that i can use for food tomorrow at work so don't worry about that!

if you can help, i receive monies through paypal or google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com.

i hate being in this situation all the time. if medicare paid for mmj i would have like $1200 more a month which is unreal. imagine paying for insulin out of pocket that is what this is like. it isn't a luxury or an optional purchase. even with it life is barely livable. i am in so much pain right now that i can barely see to type. i have had to correct most of these words. i am sorry to be a burden on this world. every night i pray to die but i haven't yet. anyway ty for reading this. if you can't help don't worry. i can't help the people i want to help either. if you are hate-reading this well i am glad i could offer you something of value i guess. <3 love to all of you <3 merry xmas <3 nathaxnne

UPDATE: my bank just sent me an email saying i have zero dollars or less than zero dollars awesome! i hate myself. i can't do anything right. i hope this is the last year i am alive. i don't want to see another christmas.

UPDATE 2: my disability went through today so i have enough money for medicine etc RIGHT NOW but i still will need help with paying rent for december etc if you would like to help but immediate financial danger is not present. TY merry xmas <3 <3 <3 

The Carpenters - 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' from The Perry Como Christmas Show

maybe my favorite version of this song. also!!! how awesome is Karen's lighthouse sweater??? <3 <3 <3

Mary J. Blige - 'My Favorite Things' from A Mary Christmas (2013)

<3 <3 <3 this is one of the all-time great interpretations of this song i love it so much <3 <3 <3

feeling bad

good morning! i am not feeling good today. yesterday i had a 'mild' head impact while out and now am in day one of a multi-day neurological injury cascade. i have to go out today to drive hours to go to the dispensary to get high-cbd mmj in day one post head-impact. it is 18 degrees f outside. there was snow yesterday and it isn't salted/plowed yet. i am worried about this. i also have to use all of my remaining money to get half a week of medical marijuana which if i do not have inflammation/spasticity/pain become so bad that i can't function. i needed to not get hurt yesterday but that is always true. i am remaining calmer than i normally do probably because i am exhausted. if you would like to help me have food and medicine for the next week, you can send monies to via google pay or paypal to numbatwombat21 at gmail. for the next week, for food/gas/medicine, which even if received, will run out on xmas, i probably need 300 - 400 dollars which is insane. the average cost of 1/8th of mmj in pa used to be $45 now it is $60 and much harder to find and much further away. many dispensaries don't have high-cbd mmj at all or have it only in vape pens which don't work anywhere near as well. so in the past year my monthly costs for this program have skyrocketed even though my use remains stable. it allows me to keep functioning at a job kind of even as i am clearly falling apart. if mmj allows me a managed end to my life that is a real blessing. please don't feel obligated or bad if you can't help my goodness the whole world is dying

PS: edit i just got back from my errand. i used more money than i should to secure a week's worth of mmj minus one disposable pen because the drive was so treacherous. i had to drive on multiple highways, like four? five? highways over an hour each way to go to a dispensary. what is stupid is that the ways in which i got the most hurt on this trip, of which there were many, the two worst were after i had gotten off of the highway and going towards home: one, a divot at a declining angle which is the absolute worst as it creates a neck injury angle somehow, compressing the spine or brain or whatever, and then after i got out of my car and walked the blocks from the cop/church parking lot down an alley i walked up to my apartment just as the two large trucks that were jumpstarting each other's batteries closed their hoods, sending powerful shock waves down into the alley passageway by my home, giving me a blast wave inside of my skull. i am in so much pain now. i have to live with no thought or expectation other than permanent severe chronic suffering. if i can master that then i will feel ok i guess or something idk. my skull feels like a bomb went off inside of it. sometimes i wonder if i have a csf leak and that is why i am so susceptible to car door slams. i feel like my ears are full all the time. i feel barometric pressure changes in my skull. car door slams give me immediate severe headaches that can last for days even if the car is not close to me if the angle is right. i am trying to learn not to shout out in pain when these things happen and start cursing. it is like being hit with a blunt object in the skull at a high velocity  so the natural inclination is to shout a curse word but then people start staring at you in the parking lot which is bad. my head and neck are in so much pain rn. i am going to take the meds i drove to get. please help if possible. i have to get through the next week/month gaah this hurts ok ilu ty <3 

Portishead - 'Glory Box' Live NYC (1997)

Juliana Hatfield - 'What A Life' from Only Everything (1995)

<3 a scary movie <3

The Amps - 'Tipp City'' & 'Pacer' from Pacer (1995)

i love kim and kelley deal with the whole of my heart <3 i also love the videos for this album with all of my heart. in fact the 'Tipp City' video might be my favorite video of the 90's? <3 major Halloween 5 vibes for those Halloween 5 headz <3

The Geraldine Fibbers - 'Dragon Lady' from Lost Somewhere Between The Earth And My Home (1995)

this album is one of the most important albums for me ever. top ten best nineties albums for sure. i hesitated to post this video bc it is edited but this is what aired in the 90's when it aired. carla wears such fire dresses in this video!!! yes <3

Sister Souljah - 'The Final Solution; Slavery's Back In Effect' (1991)

i watched this video for the first time the other day and i can't stop thinking about it. there was no way to watch it in the early nineties because mtv would not air it.

Hurt Very Badly

After work tonight i had to drive for 45 minutes each way to spend what money i had on a week's worth of mmj. I have found out the hard way that if i cut back or if i don't use enough i can't do things like walk, swallow or talk. it is a lot of fun. during these marathon journeys across the state, i often hurt myself, sometimes pretty badly. tonight was one of the very worst. i went on the longer route back so i could go to the grocery store to buy distilled water. this drive is like an hour plus but i don't mind it except for the road features that weren't there the last time i drove or the ones i can't see as well at night that i drive into like the manhole/pothole right before turning into the grocery store which consumed the whole of my right front passenger wheel. it was at the kind of angle pointing downward which guarantees maximum vertebral/spinal/brainstem interaction. when i get hurt like this, it is like someone has made a spear out of your own spine and is using it to jab your brainstem with its broken end while someone is hitting you in that exact spot with a hammer. the initial pain is not the worst of it. no, the inflammation cascade triggered takes days and weeks to unfold, making daily life practically unlivable. in between comes the total freakout involving hours of crying and yelling because your actual brain has just been rammed into by your spine. i can feel in the back of my neck where something has been rearranged, like tendons or ligaments or something. i think it is likely i have ehlers-danlos, which would explain a lot of the severity of these kinds of injuries. i will now have to live with tonight's spinal injury forever. i will never again be the person i was just hours ago. what is insane is that i have to drive these long distances at dangerous times because there is a drought of medical marijuana in pennsylvania so in order to get the medicine to treat the injury i injure myself even worse in ways that the medicine will never be able to fix only treat. i just feel like dying. now i can't watch a movie or a tv show that i like. all i can do is be in pain. it feels awful. it is also an emotion, this injury, a cloud that replaces thought, replaces other emotion. it is the worst thing i have ever felt and i feel it all the time. it isn't like being alive not really. it is just waiting out hell until you can maybe be alive for a moment or two, an hour or a day before the next catastrophic injury brought upon by shitty housing or shitty cars or just some random thing occurs again, plunging me back into a familiar nightmare. someone commented here recently that i should just kill myself like i haven't thought of that every day for forty years. every night i hope that i won't wake up the next morning. it isn't so much having to bear the pain. it is the inability to be anything other than the pain, the inability to think, to feel, to love, to do things other than hurt. i can't make plans. i can't have a social life. all i can do every day is basic maintenance of a body which can no longer be maintained. this is absurd. it is beyond reason. i do it anyway. i don't think my life contributes much. i don't think i am a good person. i think i oculd have been something much better but i failed at that like i have failed at literally everything. and that is why i don't really really try to kill myself. because knowing me i would mess it up and then have to live in the aftermath of that failed attempt until i died of something else so anonymous commenter that is why. the very structures of this world i cannot bear them. they are killing me but not fast enough.

9T Antiope - Nocebo (2019)

Laurie Spiegel - Unseen Worlds (1991)

<3 I love Laurie Spiegel so much <3 It ia so great to be able to hear this music!!! <3

Joni Mitchell - 'Trouble Child' Live April 22 1974

Tricky - Makes Me Wonder feat. Marta

all this heartache just won't go

Karen Finley - 'Its My Body' (Live)

<3 <3 <3 abortion on demand with no apology <3 <3 <3

Nina Kraviz - At Kappa FuturFestival 2019 (Full Set)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - The Tonight Show (1986)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - 'After The Gold Rush' from Trio II (1999)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - 'The Sweetest Gift' Live On Dolly's Show 1976/7

Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - 'After The Fire Has Gone' Live TV Appearance 1971

Loretta Lynn - 'Honky Tonk Girl' live 2008

Crystal Gayle - 'Ready For The Times To Get Better' TV Appearance circa ???

David Wojnarowicz & Ben Neill - Itsofomo (excerpt) [1989 - 1991] plus poem by me

ITSOFOMO 1991 MEAT BLOOD MEMORY WAR WE RISE TO GREET THE STATE TO CONFRONT THE STATE SMELL THE FLOWERS WHILE YOU CAN - DAVID WOJNAROWICZ ('HOPE IS A CHAIN OF SUBMISSION') they declared war on us over and over and over and over and over we are their children, their siblings their co-workers, their neighbors their spouses, their lovers when it is convenient they show us their mercy to allow us to live as a form of self-congratulation when it is convenient we are among the first to be erased among the first to be sacrificed we are abomination we are obscenity to be defended against to be contained to be exterminated to be unwritten from the book of life we are evidence your body isn't yours we are evidence your body is yours we are evidence our bodies aren't ours we are evidence our bodies are yours our bodies misrecorded, misnamed, unnamed we are a war in ourselves a civil war, a tinderbox immoderate, excessive you don't like how we make you feel you don't like that you like it you don't like that you don't like it you like that you don't like it you want it out of you you want it in you you want to never think of it again you want to think of nothing else ever again you want to take our names away you want to take our bodies away you want to take our futures away you want to take our pasts away as if we were never here as if we will never be here again you cannot tolerate that we are you that nothing separates us your desire disgusts you your desire a violence an excuse for violence your disgust a violence an excuse for violence your religion a violence an excuse for violence never a single genocide but a welter of genocides overlapping, spreading atop one another viscously, a tar, a mat, a floor a precondition you think if you kill enough of us if we kill enough of ourselves that you will forget us that we will forget ourselves that we will leave no artifact that we will disappear into the earth our bodies our wrong bodies plowed under or displayed as example you think you have a right to us you think our bodies are yours to legislate to unmake to ruin to allow to be ruined to not save it bothers you that we are so familiar yet not i know it bothers you i can read it in your eyes when you look at me a flash, a glance away my presence is a violence to you how is it that i can be there too who allowed this to happen evidence of a conspiracy evidence of an unnatural evidence of an unholy

David Wojnarowicz & Ben Neill - Itsofomo (In The Shadow Of Forward Motion) [1989]

David Wojnarowicz clip from 'No Alternative' (1984)

<3 <3 <3

Rakta - Falha Comum (2019)

three mothers cave psych goth pulse garage <3 yes omg yes <3 this thing is so so good like i am absolutely positive this is some of the best music i have ever heard it helps what is wrong in the middle of the night what else can i ask for

Princess Nokia - 'Sugar Honey Ice Tea (S.H.I.T.)' (2019)

Princess Nokia my role model <3 <3 <3