Thursday, April 30, 2020
Day 17: So of course construction resumes during the flood
My landlord swore up and down the flower shop people would not be in there today. I knew either he was lying to me or they were lying to him or both. They are in there now. It is raining torrentially. it would be unsafe to drive even if i was in any condition to drive which due to the chronic pain i am absolutely not. i have spent the last 2+ weeks of my life fighting for my life to avoid this outcome. i fought and fought and fought. i knew in the end because of the curse what i did would not matter and this was always fated. if i was a better left-hand path witch i would embrace the damage, embrace the torture, embrace the collapse, and use it to fuel my death and reincarnation in a different life and body. who knows? maybe that will still happen but for now i remain as always the grumpy cat of messed-up gen x trans girl lhp witches right on or whatever <3
Post-Injury Update 4/30 am
4/30 am - i had to go to bed right away after eating. i woke up just
now. i feel so bad. i can't really move my head right. i am hoping the
am medicine helps. I am so hurt there is no way i could leave the
apartment today. There is a flood watch from now until friday afternoon.
this really hurts a lot.
every time someone comes down the stairs (my efficiency is the only first-floor apartment in otherwise commercial space) i have to stand up in order to brace myself for impact. if i am sitting in my office chair and a person misses a step or goes too hard i get badly hurt from the shockwave. this is my daily life. it has taken everything from me. now i am just going to document it because i can no longer do anything else. being 'strongly encouraged' every day to leave my apartment in a pandemic by my landlord who then shifts to talk of courts and legal proceedings and what a shame that would be etc is super-stressful when that very living space is what is depriving me of my access to my own body and mind. yeah that totally sucks. i love renting. he is telling me that if i get through this and am here in may he is asking me to accommodate him doing a 20hr. work week restoring the space surrounding my apartment so a new tenant can move in. that will be unbelievably painful and will mean limited use of my apartment during that time. like, i am for sure cursed, but this building is like definitely over a gateway to hell and also cursed on top of that lol
I expect not to be able to eat again until Friday Dinner Time at earliest. i have spasms in my abdomen and diaphragm that make eating and vocalizing extremely challenging. these last a long time.
even if this is not technically a degenerative process which i really think it is, it is functioning like a degenerative process. watching yourself go away over time through violent erasure of the physical plant of your consciousness is a fucking heavy trip. i have been doing it for decades. i am now very tired.
every time someone comes down the stairs (my efficiency is the only first-floor apartment in otherwise commercial space) i have to stand up in order to brace myself for impact. if i am sitting in my office chair and a person misses a step or goes too hard i get badly hurt from the shockwave. this is my daily life. it has taken everything from me. now i am just going to document it because i can no longer do anything else. being 'strongly encouraged' every day to leave my apartment in a pandemic by my landlord who then shifts to talk of courts and legal proceedings and what a shame that would be etc is super-stressful when that very living space is what is depriving me of my access to my own body and mind. yeah that totally sucks. i love renting. he is telling me that if i get through this and am here in may he is asking me to accommodate him doing a 20hr. work week restoring the space surrounding my apartment so a new tenant can move in. that will be unbelievably painful and will mean limited use of my apartment during that time. like, i am for sure cursed, but this building is like definitely over a gateway to hell and also cursed on top of that lol
I expect not to be able to eat again until Friday Dinner Time at earliest. i have spasms in my abdomen and diaphragm that make eating and vocalizing extremely challenging. these last a long time.
even if this is not technically a degenerative process which i really think it is, it is functioning like a degenerative process. watching yourself go away over time through violent erasure of the physical plant of your consciousness is a fucking heavy trip. i have been doing it for decades. i am now very tired.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Post-Injury Update 04/29/20
Hello. I went outside after recording the video. I couldn't see any activity. i wonder if someone went over the basement doors or lifted them up. I ate some food even though it felt really bad to eat food. I am still spasming all over. It has been hours. I just wanted to give an update. I am in so much pain.
I Just Got Badly Hurt Sitting At My Office Desk Chair After 8pm In My Own Home
Preparing Myself For Potential Violent InjuryTomorrow (Updated)
Tomorrow is Walpurgisnacht, one of the most important days of the Year. It is supposed to be the last day the flower shop occupies that space. They have had months to move out and weeks to move out the refrigerator components. I cannot be in my apartment when they move the heavy refrigerator components (glass panes, frames, compressors). I will get permanently hurt or worse. Since the first day, Monday April 13, I have been forced to make a daily choice as a disabled transgender woman to leave my apartment before 9am and stay out all day long, using public toilets and staying in public parks no matter what the weather, not having access to food or my necessary chronic pain medication. On the very first day, contractors came in at 8am without any warning to rip out the walk-in glass refrigerator bolted to my thin wall and floor across two entire rooms. ANY impact or shockwave into my floor, especially when i am in my office chair or on the toilet goes directly into my spine and skull. The pain is indescribable. It lasts for weeks. It destroys my capacity to even be myself, to take any enjoyment at all out of life, just waiting for the agony to subside, knowing i will never be the same again, never as smart, never as clever, never as happy as before the most recent environmentally-caused injury. On the day they came in, April 13, here in Central Pennsylvania, the weather was so bad i could not go outside, including an actual tornado warning. I was told to go outside by my landlord and the cops. They said i wasn't worth as much as the flower shop. So after enduring unimaginable pain for 8 hours in my apartment on April 13, I was no longer the same person. I have left EVERY DAY after that at 8 or 9 am and i have not come back until after i have visual confirmation the flower shop people have left, almost always after three. I am being forced day after day into a pandemic by a defunct flower shop. I have told this to my landlord, the business, the local police, the state police, the department of health, my (ex?) employers, my family, my friends, therapists, lgbtq organizations, health care providers, and on and on. Moreover I have been telling all of these people that for two years my living conditions in this building are causing profound life-altering continual pain. Because I am not a normal person, because I cannot seek help in a normative way and explain myself in a normative way, i have been unable to secure lasting help. I recognize it is mostly my fault. If i was less brain damaged, less autistic, less developmentally disabled, whatever, i am sure i could really explain. Of course, part of the problem has been that when i explain what is happening to me, most people have no frame of reference for this kind of pain at all, let alone how it is destroying my mind and body so utterly there will not be anything left if anything indeed is left now. People tell me i sound insane or that it is highly improbable that this is happening at all, which is SUPER FRUSTRATING when if someone slams a door in your building when you are on the toilet it feels like someone has hit you in the back of the skull with a measure of rebar at full force, sometimes lurching off of the toilet onto the floor or holding onto the doorframe, vomiting and involuntarily screaming, body in involuntary spasms. That is when someone drops something like a box of flowers behind me when i am going to the bathroom. What happened when they installed (two years ago) and then removed (april 13-?) the flower shop infrastructure is far beyond that.
For days we have known that it may flood Thursday April 30 and Friday May 1. There is a Severe Warning. I will not be able to get out of my home tomorrow in torrential rain. I am terrified I am going to get hurt or killed. My landlord gave me ONE night at a motel in the form of $120 off the rent which was nice but i have not had the use of my apartment for over half of this month and may have lost my job when i went in to BEG FOR THEIR HELP. Because i did not beg in the right way and because i was visibly upset and left upset, they now will not return my email or phone calls. I have had this job for 2.5 years. Without it I cannot afford my rent or medicine. I will die. I only wanted their help in an extreme situation. My landlord after i told him i was scared that i am going to unavoidably suffer injury or worse for the second time in a month from the adjacent tenants, reminded me I owe him $420 rent for a month where i could not use my apartment. Thanks. That is amazing.
The flower shop will not communicate with me. Their number no longer exists. They will not communicate with my landlord. I HIRED AN ATTORNEY to help me with the flower shop but he just talked to my landlord, told me that my landlord was a good dude and i should just do whatever he wants, despite the fact that representatives of the flower shop have mocked me to my face for being trans and later called the cops on me because they said they didn't have to speak to me. Because i am getting injured in my own home and i have been unable to prevent it I have lost what little I had left.
This world runs on the appearance of care without actual care. You are not allowed to say this. You are not allowed to say that a flowchart algorithm that sends you from one person to another with a sheet of helpful numbers to call with every number leading to another number, when i have no ongoing access to health care, safe housing, therapy, and now any income to live.
I should have died a long time ago. I should not be alive now. I wish I wasn't. Every night I pray to die. Every morning I am furious when I wake up.
I am going to post the self-portraits i took while i was being injured on April the 13th and its immediate aftermath. These are ugly and i risk them being repurposed into someone's avatar on 4chan but I accept this because i want you to see what it did to me and what i am scared about happening tomorrow. I can't believe I am being asked to PAY THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! OMFG!!! If this happens to me tomorrow, i will be hurt or worse at home, forcing me to drive in flood conditions in a pandemic for hours and hours. This also poses a real risk to my safety and continued existence. Additionally i am scared that if i have to go through the amount of acute pain i went through on April 13/14 again i will respond with older techniques for controlling severe pain, including self-injury as a distraction. I am not threatening anything i am just scared. i will have to publish the photos separately as an appendix? why gmail?d
UPDATE: my landlord spoke to me and said he didn't THINK the flower shop would be there tomorrow. He tried to say that their removing the refrigerator will not hurt me because 'it won't be noisy'. He knows that isn't true. He is trying to make a deal with them to just be done. I do appreciate that. On the other hand, he is now threatening me with eviction and said that he has considered it every month for 6-8 months. He is doing this to hold this over my head. He says he 'doesn't want' me to become homeless like it isn't his decision. Right On, Dude. He wanted me to pay $420 for april rent when i got hurt worse than at any other time in my life due to his tenant which surrounds me and did not have use of the apartment for over half the month. I told him i would pay him half. He got upset and said it was nonnegotiable. I told him to go ahead and begin eviction proceedings. He then said he would give me half rent for april if i paid in full may rent the first week in may. I said i would think about it. I have lost my job. I can't afford anywhere to live. I don't know if or how i can receive unemployment.
I no longer have anything left to offer this world. I wish i would just die. I now have had to ask friends for help again with rent. When I could write and make art I was worth something maybe. Now it would be better if i just died.
For days we have known that it may flood Thursday April 30 and Friday May 1. There is a Severe Warning. I will not be able to get out of my home tomorrow in torrential rain. I am terrified I am going to get hurt or killed. My landlord gave me ONE night at a motel in the form of $120 off the rent which was nice but i have not had the use of my apartment for over half of this month and may have lost my job when i went in to BEG FOR THEIR HELP. Because i did not beg in the right way and because i was visibly upset and left upset, they now will not return my email or phone calls. I have had this job for 2.5 years. Without it I cannot afford my rent or medicine. I will die. I only wanted their help in an extreme situation. My landlord after i told him i was scared that i am going to unavoidably suffer injury or worse for the second time in a month from the adjacent tenants, reminded me I owe him $420 rent for a month where i could not use my apartment. Thanks. That is amazing.
The flower shop will not communicate with me. Their number no longer exists. They will not communicate with my landlord. I HIRED AN ATTORNEY to help me with the flower shop but he just talked to my landlord, told me that my landlord was a good dude and i should just do whatever he wants, despite the fact that representatives of the flower shop have mocked me to my face for being trans and later called the cops on me because they said they didn't have to speak to me. Because i am getting injured in my own home and i have been unable to prevent it I have lost what little I had left.
This world runs on the appearance of care without actual care. You are not allowed to say this. You are not allowed to say that a flowchart algorithm that sends you from one person to another with a sheet of helpful numbers to call with every number leading to another number, when i have no ongoing access to health care, safe housing, therapy, and now any income to live.
I should have died a long time ago. I should not be alive now. I wish I wasn't. Every night I pray to die. Every morning I am furious when I wake up.
I am going to post the self-portraits i took while i was being injured on April the 13th and its immediate aftermath. These are ugly and i risk them being repurposed into someone's avatar on 4chan but I accept this because i want you to see what it did to me and what i am scared about happening tomorrow. I can't believe I am being asked to PAY THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! OMFG!!! If this happens to me tomorrow, i will be hurt or worse at home, forcing me to drive in flood conditions in a pandemic for hours and hours. This also poses a real risk to my safety and continued existence. Additionally i am scared that if i have to go through the amount of acute pain i went through on April 13/14 again i will respond with older techniques for controlling severe pain, including self-injury as a distraction. I am not threatening anything i am just scared. i will have to publish the photos separately as an appendix? why gmail?d
UPDATE: my landlord spoke to me and said he didn't THINK the flower shop would be there tomorrow. He tried to say that their removing the refrigerator will not hurt me because 'it won't be noisy'. He knows that isn't true. He is trying to make a deal with them to just be done. I do appreciate that. On the other hand, he is now threatening me with eviction and said that he has considered it every month for 6-8 months. He is doing this to hold this over my head. He says he 'doesn't want' me to become homeless like it isn't his decision. Right On, Dude. He wanted me to pay $420 for april rent when i got hurt worse than at any other time in my life due to his tenant which surrounds me and did not have use of the apartment for over half the month. I told him i would pay him half. He got upset and said it was nonnegotiable. I told him to go ahead and begin eviction proceedings. He then said he would give me half rent for april if i paid in full may rent the first week in may. I said i would think about it. I have lost my job. I can't afford anywhere to live. I don't know if or how i can receive unemployment.
I no longer have anything left to offer this world. I wish i would just die. I now have had to ask friends for help again with rent. When I could write and make art I was worth something maybe. Now it would be better if i just died.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Monday, April 27, 2020
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Friday, April 24, 2020
ask not
ask not where she is
she is burning in the black flame
she hears her name from very very far
and cannot yet cry out in return
she is burning in the black flame
it is her only true home
she is burning in the black flame
she hears her name from very very far
and cannot yet cry out in return
she is burning in the black flame
it is her only true home
Make The King's Body Greater Again
One of the really fascinating things about watching fascism in action
is that fascism has like two primary modes: a) death-trip annihilation
and b) torpid senescence. Both modalities are accounted for in the
language of strength and health plunging toward the void. the only
remaining questions are timeframe and affect. Commitment to the regime
and the regime's shifting ideology must be demonstrated to be more
important than life itself. Anything which connects to reality, to a
series of causal relations occuring outside of the desire and will of
the regime is deadly to the regime's capacity to be total-spectrum
real-real. Totalitarian regimes don't need to have 24/7 control of
movement/action as long as they have roughly 40% of a population's
active consent who are super into that kind of closed-reality loop which
awakens childhood feelings of parental absolutism, the more arbitrary
the better. it doesn't matter if the father or husband is abusive, so
much the better. In the end, reality will always disappoint a
totalitarian movement. if one can defeat one's enemies fast enough and
get left alone to drift in obscurity, you can have a kind of
museum-preserved great-again for decades where everything is imbued with
a stifling, necromaniac choke out indefinitely but the more likely
outcome is climactic annihilation driven by coterminous regime
narratives which rely upon stark confrontation with a series of
interlocking external and internal enemies which are somehow both
multifarious and unified.
A Pandemic offers a fascist wizard a lot to work with if said fascist wizard is unconcerned with ultimate outcome or happy to accommodate utter annihilation, believing themselves always immune or indifferent. A total collapse and partial remaking of entire civilizations could be effected and to what end? To summon hell to earth? To allow for final winners and losers etched into infinity?
We Are So Strong We Do Not Require Life To Live
Who lives and who dies is a favorite game of tyrants.
Don't believe those who tell you the tyrant is failing.
Failing at what? doing what they were never going to do?
Getting courtiers to claim absurd things in public for the amusement of the tyrant is another favorite thing, the greater the absurdity the better. If having to abase themselves before the tyrant destroys them so the better. This proves the power of the tyrant. The tyrant can determine the personhood of a subject with the turn of a thumb. Destruction of even relatively loyal footsoldiers for relatively minor infractions inconsistently in front of the others improves the tyrant's ability to impose their will reflexively.
What the tyrant is doing is training the nervous systems of others to be extensions of their own nervous system. If they flinch, everyone around them flinches. If they roar, everyone roars. It is a form of possession, a form of imposition, an expansion of the king's body into the body of the populace as a slowly spreading virus from the top of the pyramid down. This is a very old form of magick. It is regarded with distaste by the leet at their peril because it works. at full bore it is almost unstoppable. eventually even this will exhaust itself but it can take a long time, the more so because many who are annexed by the king into the greater body like it and miss it when it is gone and resent its loss. I believe because it is absurd etc. snake oil isn't just a panacea to calm nerves, it is also a test of faith.
A Pandemic offers a fascist wizard a lot to work with if said fascist wizard is unconcerned with ultimate outcome or happy to accommodate utter annihilation, believing themselves always immune or indifferent. A total collapse and partial remaking of entire civilizations could be effected and to what end? To summon hell to earth? To allow for final winners and losers etched into infinity?
We Are So Strong We Do Not Require Life To Live
We Are So Powerful We Do Not Require Discernment
We Are So Just We Will Mean More Dead Than Alive
We Are So Just We Will Mean More Dead Than Alive
Who lives and who dies is a favorite game of tyrants.
Don't believe those who tell you the tyrant is failing.
Failing at what? doing what they were never going to do?
Getting courtiers to claim absurd things in public for the amusement of the tyrant is another favorite thing, the greater the absurdity the better. If having to abase themselves before the tyrant destroys them so the better. This proves the power of the tyrant. The tyrant can determine the personhood of a subject with the turn of a thumb. Destruction of even relatively loyal footsoldiers for relatively minor infractions inconsistently in front of the others improves the tyrant's ability to impose their will reflexively.
What the tyrant is doing is training the nervous systems of others to be extensions of their own nervous system. If they flinch, everyone around them flinches. If they roar, everyone roars. It is a form of possession, a form of imposition, an expansion of the king's body into the body of the populace as a slowly spreading virus from the top of the pyramid down. This is a very old form of magick. It is regarded with distaste by the leet at their peril because it works. at full bore it is almost unstoppable. eventually even this will exhaust itself but it can take a long time, the more so because many who are annexed by the king into the greater body like it and miss it when it is gone and resent its loss. I believe because it is absurd etc. snake oil isn't just a panacea to calm nerves, it is also a test of faith.
I'm Not Your Final Girl
I'm not your final girl. I'm that weird goth girl that no one likes and the audience is a little relieved to feel good about her dying cause she was kinda annoying and just kept complaining about stuff. No one was gonna make out with weird goth girl who dies second or third in the horror movie, kind of abruptly, for maximum comic timing.
I am that slightly evil/bitchy/too-much stoner new-age metalhead girl who is either like 'this place gives me The Creeps!' or 'I LOVE this place!!!' so u know that some ancient evil is going to possess her but probably not use her as the final boss, instead either like having her eyes glow and her voice do something weird and then she is all like 'whoa! what was that?' but then, like, in her descent into darkness, gets eaten or murdered by her ex-friends who by now are totally wigged or she is like holed up and not coming out to play ultimate frisbee because she cannot feel carefree when 'we're all going to die' what a downer she is usually so nice
Now is the point in the horror movie where I cower in fear awaiting what comes. Like the first day of this ordeal, day ten is marked by all-day torrential bad weather. I was terrified to fall asleep in case i woke up with them hurting me so i fell asleep without my cpap mask, causing my lungs to fuck up and my oxygen to go yucky bc sleep apnea hooray. I texted my landlord to beg the flower shop people not to come today to remove the heavy fridge parts and trash but he will not respond. I am too messed up today to flee my home. I am having respiratory and gi problems as well as nervous system stuff. I will get hurt if they remove the heavy trash while i am here but i have no choice now. i am going to take my anti-inflammatories to try and minimize the damage. i will not ask you to pray for me. <3
Here is the part in the horror movie where I turn to the camera directly and tell you how scared I am. I am more angry and bitter than scared at this point. What I am being sacrificed for is so petty, so small, so demeaning. This world runs on blood sacrifice. I am not upset or scared by that fact. I am upset at being so dishonored. These are small, petty, afraid men. Their capital is worth nothing in hell. Their status as town burghers is worth nothing in hell. Their youth, their strength, their weapons, their authority, all are worth nothing in hell. This brings me no pleasure, as befits the ways of hell.
I am that slightly evil/bitchy/too-much stoner new-age metalhead girl who is either like 'this place gives me The Creeps!' or 'I LOVE this place!!!' so u know that some ancient evil is going to possess her but probably not use her as the final boss, instead either like having her eyes glow and her voice do something weird and then she is all like 'whoa! what was that?' but then, like, in her descent into darkness, gets eaten or murdered by her ex-friends who by now are totally wigged or she is like holed up and not coming out to play ultimate frisbee because she cannot feel carefree when 'we're all going to die' what a downer she is usually so nice
Now is the point in the horror movie where I cower in fear awaiting what comes. Like the first day of this ordeal, day ten is marked by all-day torrential bad weather. I was terrified to fall asleep in case i woke up with them hurting me so i fell asleep without my cpap mask, causing my lungs to fuck up and my oxygen to go yucky bc sleep apnea hooray. I texted my landlord to beg the flower shop people not to come today to remove the heavy fridge parts and trash but he will not respond. I am too messed up today to flee my home. I am having respiratory and gi problems as well as nervous system stuff. I will get hurt if they remove the heavy trash while i am here but i have no choice now. i am going to take my anti-inflammatories to try and minimize the damage. i will not ask you to pray for me. <3
Here is the part in the horror movie where I turn to the camera directly and tell you how scared I am. I am more angry and bitter than scared at this point. What I am being sacrificed for is so petty, so small, so demeaning. This world runs on blood sacrifice. I am not upset or scared by that fact. I am upset at being so dishonored. These are small, petty, afraid men. Their capital is worth nothing in hell. Their status as town burghers is worth nothing in hell. Their youth, their strength, their weapons, their authority, all are worth nothing in hell. This brings me no pleasure, as befits the ways of hell.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Day 9: That Which Remains To Be Removed From The Flower Shop
Much of the trash was removed today or at least bagged. Thankfully I was out of the apartment today doing a weekly errand for medicine. Tonight into tomorrow night it is supposed to rain torrentially. I am UTTERLY TERRIFIED they are going to come in tomorrow when i cannot easily leave and drive around for hours and go to store bathrooms over and over and not eat and not take medicine. I haven't slept more than two or three hours a night since this began. Some nights i don't sleep at all. Then I have to go sit in a park or in my parked car or go to the bathroom over and over.
If i am in the apartment when they take out this massive disassembled refrigerator I will get badly hurt. Like permanent nervous system injury. My body is only now processing the injuries i received the day they began ripping this thing out at 8am 9 days ago. I cannot tolerate any more. This has ruined my life. I may end up being too disabled to work at all as a result of this activity. I am angry and I want to die and I am angry that I just had to endure this rather than receiving help from any authority whatsoever who are plainly on the side of the property owners and abusers. Not that this was a secret. I texted my landlord BEGGING him to have them not come tomorrow during the storm but the following day. He did not respond. They don't respond to him. They now will call the cops on me if i ask them any questions so i have no recourse or even information about when i am going to get hurt. Anyway here are today's photos of what remains behind in the Flower Shop/Portal To Hell.
If i am in the apartment when they take out this massive disassembled refrigerator I will get badly hurt. Like permanent nervous system injury. My body is only now processing the injuries i received the day they began ripping this thing out at 8am 9 days ago. I cannot tolerate any more. This has ruined my life. I may end up being too disabled to work at all as a result of this activity. I am angry and I want to die and I am angry that I just had to endure this rather than receiving help from any authority whatsoever who are plainly on the side of the property owners and abusers. Not that this was a secret. I texted my landlord BEGGING him to have them not come tomorrow during the storm but the following day. He did not respond. They don't respond to him. They now will call the cops on me if i ask them any questions so i have no recourse or even information about when i am going to get hurt. Anyway here are today's photos of what remains behind in the Flower Shop/Portal To Hell.
Dear Men Who Run This World
Dear Men Who Run This World:
Your World Is Gone. You Are Here With Me Now In Hell.
You Thought You Wanted This. You Thought You Wanted
A Fight. The Fight Is Over. There Was No Fight.
You Are Here Now As You So Vehemently Requested.
I Hope You Are Exceptionally Pleased With What You Have Wrought
<3 The Management
PS: The Gates Were Old And Venerable, Well-Worn.
There Once Was Commerce, Traffick And Intercourse.
They Were There For A Reason, Until You Sealed Them Over.
What Did You Expect? The Same Old Story. Build A Wall, Sure.
PPS: It Was Supposed To Be Funny. There Is No Management In Hell.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
My Day Today 4/22/20
My day today honestly has been one of the very worst days of my entire life. Which, dear readers, if you know me at all is really saying something. Today took the cake, all the pies, and several trays of cupcakes.
Last night i could not sleep very well due to pain and respiratory difficulties. I lightly dozed for a few hours with the wifi plugged in and the laptop news on which makes it difficult for me to rest. I woke up this morning and texted my landlord telling him that i was feeling too bad to flee the construction today. Then i called my dad. that was a mistake. i have been feeling so bad and things have been so bad that i wanted to tell him that when i die i won't die angry at him but he basically ruined this by telling me what i really needed was to go back to work and that social distancing won't work because he is extremely racist. Then he misgendered me and said it was his right to and that is how we left things, with him telling me to text rather than to call. Thanks Dad.
OFC that is when the flower shop guy came. I felt him in there because it hurts when they go in there and move stuff around AT ALL let alone ripping out drywall and refrigerators. I asked him not to today because I was not feeling well and i had to rest. He told me he didn't need to speak to me and that I should call the cops. I said I HAD called the cops and that they were not helpful and that if he had any human feeling at all he would realize that someone in pain resting at home when sick in a global pandemic was in a different category of THING than a defunct flower shop but no. I grew animated and so he called the police on me. I waited there, convulsing and spasming on the sidewalk, in flip flops and a little black dress, unshaven, when my upstairs neighbor came down to tell me that he was going to 'punch me in the fucking face you fucking weirdo' and to stop convulsing and spasming because i was faking. then he told the flower shop guy that he was going to 'fucking drop that freak'. Then the cop showed up. This is the same police dept. that told me to 'go outside' and 'go to the park' during a tornado advisory. The same police dept. that told me the defunct business was worth more to my landlord than I was because they undoubtedly paid more in rent. Please be aware this is DAY 8 of this inessential construction activity. The cop showed up, i told him that i had just been threatened with assault twice in public and he said 'Did he do it?' and then listened to the flower shop guy tell him i was interfering with his right to work. i tried to explain to the cop that i was an essential worker and had been given a month of sick leave to isolate at home from my cashier job and that the week of construction made it impossible to live in my immediately adjacent/surrounded apartment as i have a lifelong chronic pain condition. the cop said 'this isn't hurting you and if you are under quarantine you must return to your home now' and then said 'do you want to go in there or do you want to go to prison'? [NOTE: I am NOT under quarantine orders. I was trying to explain that i was 'self-isolating' or 'self-quarantining' to be a good citizen] so after alerting the officer to the fact that my blood will weigh upon his immortal soul for all of eternity i went inside, got my coat and purse and proceeded to leave again for the day, day seven of exile in covid-19. Fun Fact: the police lot is the only parking space i have, many blocks away, because my efficiency does not have a parking space and there is no street parking! Hooray Me!!
I didn't know where to go so i did what i normally do and go to Starbucks. I texted my landlord and told him what happened. He blamed me for being loud. He said that i woke up my neighbor and he was feeling irritable and so as long as i didn't make too loud a noise in getting hurt or trying not to get hurt that i shouldn't get punched in the face but he wasn't going to get involved. My upstairs neighbor has priors, anger problems and who used to have a pregnant girlfriend who lived with him but then she left under bad circumstances and now he has supervised visitations with his kid. I am entirely certain he will hurt me if he gets upset. The cops GAVE HIM A FREE PASS IN FRONT OF HIM yet my landlord says there is no danger and that it is my fault. In addition to my TBI, i also have a badly damaged/deformed spine. One punch from him would kill me if i was lucky. I had a verbally abusive, threatening parent growing up so this didn't feel good but i recognized him. Rad. I can totally see why she left. Good for her.
After getting my coffee i didn't know where to go so i went to my job i WAS preparing to return to this week. I wanted to talk to them about my schedule but was worried now that my home has become dangerous and unusable. They told me HR could not speak to me and that they would get my supervisor. I explained to him, he said all they could do is give me the SAME 877 NUMBER I HAVE BEEN GIVEN EVERY TIME I HAVE COMPLAINED TO THEM ABOUT MY HOUSING SITUATION FOR TWO YEARS. When i call this number what they always say is: we can give you a list of shelters in the area. The shelter i would have to go to is a far-right Christian shelter that when they receive reading materials for the homeless they regard as 'non-christian' they throw them out. I am a disabled 46 year old trans woman. I have been told by multiple other authorities that i would not be safe there. I got upset and said that this is why the world was going to die because it is just a series of hollowly interlocking algorithms that only exist to provide the appearance of caring. I was asked to leave because I was upset. I left without working out a schedule. Now i don't have a job or a place to live. My landlord said this is a new start! I won't charge you April rent if you can vacate by May the first! in a pandemic. as a disabled trans woman with no money. I have nowhere to go and no one to stay with. I rely upon medical marijuana for pain relief and anti-inflammatories. I need 1:1 THC/CBD so i can't rely upon the black market. I need access to HRT. I need bathrooms and vegan food without sugar or additives. I must use a CPAP machine every night to sleep. My plan is to just die. I am not going to kill myself but what else is going to happen here? I don't know what else to do. I don't write or make art anymore. I don't have anyone who relies upon my being alive for their being alive. My mom said that she can't help me. My dad said to text and not call. I don't really talk to my sister much. She is a very busy anesthesiologist who is a real person and has a real life. I know what it means to not matter. To really not matter. I have tried everything this world has told me to do to fix this problem but all of these are fake potemkin solutions put up by a world that simply doesn't care but knows it is too tacky to act like you don't care but this is wearing off. I saw it in the faces of the flower shop man, the cop, my neighbor, my landlord, the feeling of being liberated from having to care, to finally get to live in a world where empathy no longer has to be faked, when lack of concern and outright contempt are virtues.
So here are my photos from the end of DAY 8. This is all of what they have left in there to take out, what the cop says isn't hurting me and my neighbor says is going to get me a punch in the face and the cops agree! Thank Your God That Property Always Wins Over Human Life!!! It Will Serve You Well On Your Path To Hell. You Will See Me There. When Our Eyes Meet I Will Smile. <3 <3 <3
Last night i could not sleep very well due to pain and respiratory difficulties. I lightly dozed for a few hours with the wifi plugged in and the laptop news on which makes it difficult for me to rest. I woke up this morning and texted my landlord telling him that i was feeling too bad to flee the construction today. Then i called my dad. that was a mistake. i have been feeling so bad and things have been so bad that i wanted to tell him that when i die i won't die angry at him but he basically ruined this by telling me what i really needed was to go back to work and that social distancing won't work because he is extremely racist. Then he misgendered me and said it was his right to and that is how we left things, with him telling me to text rather than to call. Thanks Dad.
OFC that is when the flower shop guy came. I felt him in there because it hurts when they go in there and move stuff around AT ALL let alone ripping out drywall and refrigerators. I asked him not to today because I was not feeling well and i had to rest. He told me he didn't need to speak to me and that I should call the cops. I said I HAD called the cops and that they were not helpful and that if he had any human feeling at all he would realize that someone in pain resting at home when sick in a global pandemic was in a different category of THING than a defunct flower shop but no. I grew animated and so he called the police on me. I waited there, convulsing and spasming on the sidewalk, in flip flops and a little black dress, unshaven, when my upstairs neighbor came down to tell me that he was going to 'punch me in the fucking face you fucking weirdo' and to stop convulsing and spasming because i was faking. then he told the flower shop guy that he was going to 'fucking drop that freak'. Then the cop showed up. This is the same police dept. that told me to 'go outside' and 'go to the park' during a tornado advisory. The same police dept. that told me the defunct business was worth more to my landlord than I was because they undoubtedly paid more in rent. Please be aware this is DAY 8 of this inessential construction activity. The cop showed up, i told him that i had just been threatened with assault twice in public and he said 'Did he do it?' and then listened to the flower shop guy tell him i was interfering with his right to work. i tried to explain to the cop that i was an essential worker and had been given a month of sick leave to isolate at home from my cashier job and that the week of construction made it impossible to live in my immediately adjacent/surrounded apartment as i have a lifelong chronic pain condition. the cop said 'this isn't hurting you and if you are under quarantine you must return to your home now' and then said 'do you want to go in there or do you want to go to prison'? [NOTE: I am NOT under quarantine orders. I was trying to explain that i was 'self-isolating' or 'self-quarantining' to be a good citizen] so after alerting the officer to the fact that my blood will weigh upon his immortal soul for all of eternity i went inside, got my coat and purse and proceeded to leave again for the day, day seven of exile in covid-19. Fun Fact: the police lot is the only parking space i have, many blocks away, because my efficiency does not have a parking space and there is no street parking! Hooray Me!!
I didn't know where to go so i did what i normally do and go to Starbucks. I texted my landlord and told him what happened. He blamed me for being loud. He said that i woke up my neighbor and he was feeling irritable and so as long as i didn't make too loud a noise in getting hurt or trying not to get hurt that i shouldn't get punched in the face but he wasn't going to get involved. My upstairs neighbor has priors, anger problems and who used to have a pregnant girlfriend who lived with him but then she left under bad circumstances and now he has supervised visitations with his kid. I am entirely certain he will hurt me if he gets upset. The cops GAVE HIM A FREE PASS IN FRONT OF HIM yet my landlord says there is no danger and that it is my fault. In addition to my TBI, i also have a badly damaged/deformed spine. One punch from him would kill me if i was lucky. I had a verbally abusive, threatening parent growing up so this didn't feel good but i recognized him. Rad. I can totally see why she left. Good for her.
After getting my coffee i didn't know where to go so i went to my job i WAS preparing to return to this week. I wanted to talk to them about my schedule but was worried now that my home has become dangerous and unusable. They told me HR could not speak to me and that they would get my supervisor. I explained to him, he said all they could do is give me the SAME 877 NUMBER I HAVE BEEN GIVEN EVERY TIME I HAVE COMPLAINED TO THEM ABOUT MY HOUSING SITUATION FOR TWO YEARS. When i call this number what they always say is: we can give you a list of shelters in the area. The shelter i would have to go to is a far-right Christian shelter that when they receive reading materials for the homeless they regard as 'non-christian' they throw them out. I am a disabled 46 year old trans woman. I have been told by multiple other authorities that i would not be safe there. I got upset and said that this is why the world was going to die because it is just a series of hollowly interlocking algorithms that only exist to provide the appearance of caring. I was asked to leave because I was upset. I left without working out a schedule. Now i don't have a job or a place to live. My landlord said this is a new start! I won't charge you April rent if you can vacate by May the first! in a pandemic. as a disabled trans woman with no money. I have nowhere to go and no one to stay with. I rely upon medical marijuana for pain relief and anti-inflammatories. I need 1:1 THC/CBD so i can't rely upon the black market. I need access to HRT. I need bathrooms and vegan food without sugar or additives. I must use a CPAP machine every night to sleep. My plan is to just die. I am not going to kill myself but what else is going to happen here? I don't know what else to do. I don't write or make art anymore. I don't have anyone who relies upon my being alive for their being alive. My mom said that she can't help me. My dad said to text and not call. I don't really talk to my sister much. She is a very busy anesthesiologist who is a real person and has a real life. I know what it means to not matter. To really not matter. I have tried everything this world has told me to do to fix this problem but all of these are fake potemkin solutions put up by a world that simply doesn't care but knows it is too tacky to act like you don't care but this is wearing off. I saw it in the faces of the flower shop man, the cop, my neighbor, my landlord, the feeling of being liberated from having to care, to finally get to live in a world where empathy no longer has to be faked, when lack of concern and outright contempt are virtues.
So here are my photos from the end of DAY 8. This is all of what they have left in there to take out, what the cop says isn't hurting me and my neighbor says is going to get me a punch in the face and the cops agree! Thank Your God That Property Always Wins Over Human Life!!! It Will Serve You Well On Your Path To Hell. You Will See Me There. When Our Eyes Meet I Will Smile. <3 <3 <3
My Life As A Dumb Horror Movie Take Whatever
Yeah so i am an ancient/decrepit left-hand-path cave witch who upon feeling her end is growing near, holes up in her cave away from men to decrease activity and die. The world is quiet from plague besiegement. She thought it would be a safe time to pass beyond blessed be! Instead, after weeks of relatively calm preparation, capping the end of two solid years of void-meditation in a pocket hell-dimension, when she should have been at peace going into the next life, bumbling workmen in thrall to eviler men with pettier motives enter her crypt which conveniently is in a former art-deco movie theater deathtrap, disturbing her death-rites and forcing her to flee into a global pandemic over and over again, and thereby, you know, so totally not-on-purpose BREAKING THE SEAL OVER A MAJOR GATE TO HELL YOU DUMB FUCKS and incidentally/collaterally enraging your local darkside witch which even when they are weak and seem like they might not be doing much, end up causing problems anyway, even after their death? So yeah, i will die as i have lived, in a dumb horror movie. I would have it no other way i suppose. love to you all. sorry not sorry for failing to prevent the accidental? re-opening of a portal to hell like it is a mid-range regional chain restaurant i really tried to do my absolute best mostly! your world is beautiful and good!! i loved being here even when it sucked super bad!!! LOVE!!! <3
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
I Have Been In Pain And Unable To Use My Small Efficiency For Seven Days During A Global Pandemic Because A Defunct Flower Shop
Once again today I was forced to flee my apartment for hours after being
injured by the construction activity in the business which surrounds my
efficiency. I have nowhere else to go. As a disabled person, I NEED my
apartment to take my life-saving medicines, my meals, and to sleep and
rest. For seven days now, starting sometimes before eight and ending
sometimes well after five, this unessential business activity has made
living in my apartment with a spinal injury/birth defect unimaginably
painful in ways that last for days, weeks and months. Today when I tried
to tell the representative of the flower shop that the work he was
doing was hurting me in my own apartment, i was told to call the cops,
which i have already done, and then i was told to 'get a life'. since
this is what is depriving me of having one and actually could kill me this was kind of ironic. My landlord, once again, has said there is nothing he can do, that I must be subject to this. It is reasonable. This is reasonable use of my apartment somehow, even when it is hurting me so much for hours and hours until i throw up or fall over. So,
Day Seven:
(PS: I should clarify my apartment is a very small efficiency that doesn't even have a closet, kitchen sink or a stove. It is surrounded on at least three sides and shares a floor with this space. Everything that happens in this space is happening directly in my apartment. My apartment is immediately behind the newly drywalled area. that is where they ripped out the fridge over at least two days)
(PS: I should clarify my apartment is a very small efficiency that doesn't even have a closet, kitchen sink or a stove. It is surrounded on at least three sides and shares a floor with this space. Everything that happens in this space is happening directly in my apartment. My apartment is immediately behind the newly drywalled area. that is where they ripped out the fridge over at least two days)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)