Crime Mob - 'Stilettos' from Crime Mob (2006)

Let's Eat Grandma - 'It's Not Just Me' from I'm All Ears (2018)

Kacey Musgraves & Lana Del Rey - 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' from The Kacey Musgraves Christmas Show (2019)

christmas eve eve

dear everyone i am writing this with a very severe migraine. i had a very bad whiplash injury yesterday when my car was at a light. either someone hit me from behind or my car engine bucked horribly. the entire car jolted forward violently, giving me a whiplash injury. i was on my way to work. i got to work in so much extremis i couldn't control my tear ducts, volume or saliva. my entire body was shaking. i had to go sit in an office for an hour before telling my job i couldn't work. then i had to sit at work not working, losing 6 hours of income, a major part of my paycheck. i was so despondent and unable to control my responses that someone later called the cops to come to my house which was alarming. the chronic pain is so severe all the time. my car is hurting me because i cannot get it serviced. it is not a good car but i need engine maintenance badly which i cannot afford. eventually the car will just die because i cannot afford to get it fixed AND i need someone to help coordinate with a mechanic which i don't have. today my migraine from yesterday's whiplash increased steadily which it also will tomorrow, christmas eve, when i have to take whatever i have and drive for hours on the highway before working all night. i don't have enough money but my disability check from the government does not come until wednesday, christmas, when i will not be at work but i also cannot get ANY of the necessary medicine which runs out tomorrow morning. i also have to go get a bunch of anti-inflammatories ALSO tomorrow before work. i don't know if i will be able to do this. i am so screwed i just want to die. no one was able to help last week so here is what i need from help this week:

mmj: two  eighths of cbd flower: $120. two eighths of thc flower: $120 two disposable cbd/thc pens for while out or at work: $80 (total $320) $320

rent: i had to use 1/2 of the rent for this month for last week's medicine. i have paid no rent for dec. i owe $540. i will be able to pay half of my rent out of the disability check but need help with the half i used last week so $270 or $540

then i need to get tomorrow, christmas eve, necessary cns supplements i won't be able to get on christmas, including fenugreek, yarrow, true cinnamon, l-theanine. these aren't that much, say $35 total, and that is not including whatever gas, so maybe $15 for gas. yarrow controls the ibs, so that is important, as is the l-theanine, which helps with mood/cognition.

i have a target giftcard that i can use for food tomorrow at work so don't worry about that!

if you can help, i receive monies through paypal or google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com.

i hate being in this situation all the time. if medicare paid for mmj i would have like $1200 more a month which is unreal. imagine paying for insulin out of pocket that is what this is like. it isn't a luxury or an optional purchase. even with it life is barely livable. i am in so much pain right now that i can barely see to type. i have had to correct most of these words. i am sorry to be a burden on this world. every night i pray to die but i haven't yet. anyway ty for reading this. if you can't help don't worry. i can't help the people i want to help either. if you are hate-reading this well i am glad i could offer you something of value i guess. <3 love to all of you <3 merry xmas <3 nathaxnne

UPDATE: my bank just sent me an email saying i have zero dollars or less than zero dollars awesome! i hate myself. i can't do anything right. i hope this is the last year i am alive. i don't want to see another christmas.

UPDATE 2: my disability went through today so i have enough money for medicine etc RIGHT NOW but i still will need help with paying rent for december etc if you would like to help but immediate financial danger is not present. TY merry xmas <3 <3 <3 

The Carpenters - 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' from The Perry Como Christmas Show

maybe my favorite version of this song. also!!! how awesome is Karen's lighthouse sweater??? <3 <3 <3

Mary J. Blige - 'My Favorite Things' from A Mary Christmas (2013)

<3 <3 <3 this is one of the all-time great interpretations of this song i love it so much <3 <3 <3

feeling bad

good morning! i am not feeling good today. yesterday i had a 'mild' head impact while out and now am in day one of a multi-day neurological injury cascade. i have to go out today to drive hours to go to the dispensary to get high-cbd mmj in day one post head-impact. it is 18 degrees f outside. there was snow yesterday and it isn't salted/plowed yet. i am worried about this. i also have to use all of my remaining money to get half a week of medical marijuana which if i do not have inflammation/spasticity/pain become so bad that i can't function. i needed to not get hurt yesterday but that is always true. i am remaining calmer than i normally do probably because i am exhausted. if you would like to help me have food and medicine for the next week, you can send monies to via google pay or paypal to numbatwombat21 at gmail. for the next week, for food/gas/medicine, which even if received, will run out on xmas, i probably need 300 - 400 dollars which is insane. the average cost of 1/8th of mmj in pa used to be $45 now it is $60 and much harder to find and much further away. many dispensaries don't have high-cbd mmj at all or have it only in vape pens which don't work anywhere near as well. so in the past year my monthly costs for this program have skyrocketed even though my use remains stable. it allows me to keep functioning at a job kind of even as i am clearly falling apart. if mmj allows me a managed end to my life that is a real blessing. please don't feel obligated or bad if you can't help my goodness the whole world is dying

PS: edit i just got back from my errand. i used more money than i should to secure a week's worth of mmj minus one disposable pen because the drive was so treacherous. i had to drive on multiple highways, like four? five? highways over an hour each way to go to a dispensary. what is stupid is that the ways in which i got the most hurt on this trip, of which there were many, the two worst were after i had gotten off of the highway and going towards home: one, a divot at a declining angle which is the absolute worst as it creates a neck injury angle somehow, compressing the spine or brain or whatever, and then after i got out of my car and walked the blocks from the cop/church parking lot down an alley i walked up to my apartment just as the two large trucks that were jumpstarting each other's batteries closed their hoods, sending powerful shock waves down into the alley passageway by my home, giving me a blast wave inside of my skull. i am in so much pain now. i have to live with no thought or expectation other than permanent severe chronic suffering. if i can master that then i will feel ok i guess or something idk. my skull feels like a bomb went off inside of it. sometimes i wonder if i have a csf leak and that is why i am so susceptible to car door slams. i feel like my ears are full all the time. i feel barometric pressure changes in my skull. car door slams give me immediate severe headaches that can last for days even if the car is not close to me if the angle is right. i am trying to learn not to shout out in pain when these things happen and start cursing. it is like being hit with a blunt object in the skull at a high velocity  so the natural inclination is to shout a curse word but then people start staring at you in the parking lot which is bad. my head and neck are in so much pain rn. i am going to take the meds i drove to get. please help if possible. i have to get through the next week/month gaah this hurts ok ilu ty <3 

Portishead - 'Glory Box' Live NYC (1997)

Juliana Hatfield - 'What A Life' from Only Everything (1995)

<3 a scary movie <3

The Amps - 'Tipp City'' & 'Pacer' from Pacer (1995)

i love kim and kelley deal with the whole of my heart <3 i also love the videos for this album with all of my heart. in fact the 'Tipp City' video might be my favorite video of the 90's? <3 major Halloween 5 vibes for those Halloween 5 headz <3

The Geraldine Fibbers - 'Dragon Lady' from Lost Somewhere Between The Earth And My Home (1995)

this album is one of the most important albums for me ever. top ten best nineties albums for sure. i hesitated to post this video bc it is edited but this is what aired in the 90's when it aired. carla wears such fire dresses in this video!!! yes <3

Sister Souljah - 'The Final Solution; Slavery's Back In Effect' (1991)

i watched this video for the first time the other day and i can't stop thinking about it. there was no way to watch it in the early nineties because mtv would not air it.

Hurt Very Badly

After work tonight i had to drive for 45 minutes each way to spend what money i had on a week's worth of mmj. I have found out the hard way that if i cut back or if i don't use enough i can't do things like walk, swallow or talk. it is a lot of fun. during these marathon journeys across the state, i often hurt myself, sometimes pretty badly. tonight was one of the very worst. i went on the longer route back so i could go to the grocery store to buy distilled water. this drive is like an hour plus but i don't mind it except for the road features that weren't there the last time i drove or the ones i can't see as well at night that i drive into like the manhole/pothole right before turning into the grocery store which consumed the whole of my right front passenger wheel. it was at the kind of angle pointing downward which guarantees maximum vertebral/spinal/brainstem interaction. when i get hurt like this, it is like someone has made a spear out of your own spine and is using it to jab your brainstem with its broken end while someone is hitting you in that exact spot with a hammer. the initial pain is not the worst of it. no, the inflammation cascade triggered takes days and weeks to unfold, making daily life practically unlivable. in between comes the total freakout involving hours of crying and yelling because your actual brain has just been rammed into by your spine. i can feel in the back of my neck where something has been rearranged, like tendons or ligaments or something. i think it is likely i have ehlers-danlos, which would explain a lot of the severity of these kinds of injuries. i will now have to live with tonight's spinal injury forever. i will never again be the person i was just hours ago. what is insane is that i have to drive these long distances at dangerous times because there is a drought of medical marijuana in pennsylvania so in order to get the medicine to treat the injury i injure myself even worse in ways that the medicine will never be able to fix only treat. i just feel like dying. now i can't watch a movie or a tv show that i like. all i can do is be in pain. it feels awful. it is also an emotion, this injury, a cloud that replaces thought, replaces other emotion. it is the worst thing i have ever felt and i feel it all the time. it isn't like being alive not really. it is just waiting out hell until you can maybe be alive for a moment or two, an hour or a day before the next catastrophic injury brought upon by shitty housing or shitty cars or just some random thing occurs again, plunging me back into a familiar nightmare. someone commented here recently that i should just kill myself like i haven't thought of that every day for forty years. every night i hope that i won't wake up the next morning. it isn't so much having to bear the pain. it is the inability to be anything other than the pain, the inability to think, to feel, to love, to do things other than hurt. i can't make plans. i can't have a social life. all i can do every day is basic maintenance of a body which can no longer be maintained. this is absurd. it is beyond reason. i do it anyway. i don't think my life contributes much. i don't think i am a good person. i think i oculd have been something much better but i failed at that like i have failed at literally everything. and that is why i don't really really try to kill myself. because knowing me i would mess it up and then have to live in the aftermath of that failed attempt until i died of something else so anonymous commenter that is why. the very structures of this world i cannot bear them. they are killing me but not fast enough.

9T Antiope - Nocebo (2019)

Laurie Spiegel - Unseen Worlds (1991)

<3 I love Laurie Spiegel so much <3 It ia so great to be able to hear this music!!! <3

Joni Mitchell - 'Trouble Child' Live April 22 1974

Tricky - Makes Me Wonder feat. Marta

all this heartache just won't go

Karen Finley - 'Its My Body' (Live)

<3 <3 <3 abortion on demand with no apology <3 <3 <3

Nina Kraviz - At Kappa FuturFestival 2019 (Full Set)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - The Tonight Show (1986)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - 'After The Gold Rush' from Trio II (1999)

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris - 'The Sweetest Gift' Live On Dolly's Show 1976/7

Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty - 'After The Fire Has Gone' Live TV Appearance 1971

Loretta Lynn - 'Honky Tonk Girl' live 2008

Crystal Gayle - 'Ready For The Times To Get Better' TV Appearance circa ???

David Wojnarowicz & Ben Neill - Itsofomo (excerpt) [1989 - 1991] plus poem by me

ITSOFOMO 1991 MEAT BLOOD MEMORY WAR WE RISE TO GREET THE STATE TO CONFRONT THE STATE SMELL THE FLOWERS WHILE YOU CAN - DAVID WOJNAROWICZ ('HOPE IS A CHAIN OF SUBMISSION') they declared war on us over and over and over and over and over we are their children, their siblings their co-workers, their neighbors their spouses, their lovers when it is convenient they show us their mercy to allow us to live as a form of self-congratulation when it is convenient we are among the first to be erased among the first to be sacrificed we are abomination we are obscenity to be defended against to be contained to be exterminated to be unwritten from the book of life we are evidence your body isn't yours we are evidence your body is yours we are evidence our bodies aren't ours we are evidence our bodies are yours our bodies misrecorded, misnamed, unnamed we are a war in ourselves a civil war, a tinderbox immoderate, excessive you don't like how we make you feel you don't like that you like it you don't like that you don't like it you like that you don't like it you want it out of you you want it in you you want to never think of it again you want to think of nothing else ever again you want to take our names away you want to take our bodies away you want to take our futures away you want to take our pasts away as if we were never here as if we will never be here again you cannot tolerate that we are you that nothing separates us your desire disgusts you your desire a violence an excuse for violence your disgust a violence an excuse for violence your religion a violence an excuse for violence never a single genocide but a welter of genocides overlapping, spreading atop one another viscously, a tar, a mat, a floor a precondition you think if you kill enough of us if we kill enough of ourselves that you will forget us that we will forget ourselves that we will leave no artifact that we will disappear into the earth our bodies our wrong bodies plowed under or displayed as example you think you have a right to us you think our bodies are yours to legislate to unmake to ruin to allow to be ruined to not save it bothers you that we are so familiar yet not i know it bothers you i can read it in your eyes when you look at me a flash, a glance away my presence is a violence to you how is it that i can be there too who allowed this to happen evidence of a conspiracy evidence of an unnatural evidence of an unholy

David Wojnarowicz & Ben Neill - Itsofomo (In The Shadow Of Forward Motion) [1989]

David Wojnarowicz clip from 'No Alternative' (1984)

<3 <3 <3

Rakta - Falha Comum (2019)

three mothers cave psych goth pulse garage <3 yes omg yes <3 this thing is so so good like i am absolutely positive this is some of the best music i have ever heard it helps what is wrong in the middle of the night what else can i ask for

Princess Nokia - 'Sugar Honey Ice Tea (S.H.I.T.)' (2019)

Princess Nokia my role model <3 <3 <3

My Apartment Is (Still) Killing Me

By the spring of 2018 I had been living in motels since the summer of 2016 when my neurological symptoms and general dysfunction made living with my then-partner and stepkids no longer possible. it was a terrible decision, one we had talked about many times, and one i certainly did not want to happen as it did, suddenly and traumatically for everyone. if i could take back many days of my life i would take back that one. we all felt the need for me to leave. i couldn't be a worthwhile parent or partner. i was a burden to them as i have been a burden to every family i have been a part of because i am not and never have been a functional person in the way that you must be to earn life in our society. because i am this disabled, this injured, my life is worth less than nothing in our society. i am a negative drain. i know this and so i dread interacting with other people because if they despise me it is a drag and if they like me it means they are just going to be inevitably disappointed when they find out i am not really a person like them. i have been waiting to die for years.

when i moved in here i thought it was the answer to homelessness. the truth is that homelessness is better. every day i live here i get badly hurt. i live in the only first-floor apartment in a 1930's art deco movie theatre in central pennsylvania. this sounds like it would be a good time but it is not. i live with substantial spinal defects/injuries dating from birth and then subsequent damage. on the best days i live with a great deal of chronic pain. driving is a nightmare. walking in open space with a lot of car door slams is also horrifying. my body absorbs all significant shocks as central nervous system damage. it just used to be that i would get a migraine or experience a potentially terrifying meltdown after a sufficiently strong trigger. they are active injuries to me, ones that i don't really get better from.
in this building, i am on the same floor as several businesses, who send/receive inventory, update/remodel etc all day long. all of us are above a block-long hollow basement accessible by large steel storm doors in the front of the building as part of the sidewalk. when these doors are opened or shut it sends a tremendous shockwave through the building. if i am sitting in my office chair or going to the bathroom the shock is translated directly along my spine and into my skull.

what exactly is wrong with my spine and skull i have been trying to determine for the longest time and i have recently been totally shut out of access to medical care here in central pa so i can't get appropriate mri imaging done but that is a story for another time.

what i think is wrong with my spine/neck/skull/brain is this:

i was born at least 3 months prematurely in 1974 with substantial congenital birth defects the most glaring of which were orthopedic (bilateral hip dislocation, club foot, spinal curvature) but it soon became apparent also involved neurological defects. my baseline functionality in life was never good, not really managing home life or school, to the point where coercive institutionalization was utilized on multiple, extended occasions. by the time i was in my mid-twenties i was able to work at a library for a decade. eventually i got too sick to work and i had to go back on disability. i had made plans to go be with one of my dear exes and help her in the aftermath of a terrifying separation to her abusive husband with then-small children. right after we agreed to this, i received a complex whiplash/tbi injury at an eyehategod show of all places. i had had concussions and whiplash in the past. this one was different. i spent six months unable to get out of bed, in permanent migraine and suicidal anger. i moved to be with my ex and the kids anyway, knowing i wasn't up to the task.

within a month of my moving to be with them, i fell on the ice between the car and the curb, twisting my already twisted body on top of itself throwing my spine/neck/hips/legs into a disarray they have never recovered from nine years later. i would experience at least one more serious concussion in 2012. my body and brain's ability to absorb shock and vibration decreased to almost nothing, where it is today. i know that the bones and soft tissue in my neck and skull are now intertwined with my spine if not my brainstem. i have come to believe that the kind of very dangerous headbanging i was doing in the 2000's as a relief from dysphoria was only possible and therefore the damage i received from it was possible because i fit a lot of the symptoms of ehlers-danlos syndrome in addition to the many other issues i might have. there also seems to be a pretty high correlate of transness/asd with ehlers-danlos so although i am not a doctor this is my best working hypothesis.

The shocks and impacts from all of the businesses and my landlord going in and out would probably be unremarkable if annoying to someone who isn't me. i mean, there have been days when the table i was sitting at JUMPED because the doors were slammed so hard and i have hit myself in the face with a fork or a vaporizer more than once and i know that even a non-disabled person would get hurt that way but the daily spinal injuries which feel like someone coming up behind you when you are on the toilet and hitting you in the back of the head with a 2x4 repeatedly have taken their toll on me.

sometimes, in my own home, i have to hang onto the doorframe as my body shakes with spasticity as if in a high wind, or i vocalize involuntarily grunts and howls because my body cannot form speech. things have gotten much worse in the past year and a half and they wouldn't have if i hadn't been living here. not like this. i am filled with rage and sorrow knowing this. i live behind the mirror of severe, chronic environmentally triggered pain and injury. i have told everyone in my life about this for a year and a half and nothing changes. i am too disabled to get myself out of this situation. every day i think about killing myself. i no longer have the strength in my arms to hold a knife to guarantee much progress. i am tired of being a negative net value. i am tired of living in horrifying chronic injury that would otherwise be easily avoidable. every night i pray for death in my sleep. so far it hasn't come. i never thought this would be my life. i wonder if i was someone who really was important or who had been good enough to others like who would i have to be for this to register as an emergency, as a moral wrong. because it is me and i don't matter, i who have always been a problem, for me to get hurt so bad every day i fantasize about violent death as an anesthetic to the violent injury i experience on a daily basis, if i was a dog or a cat people would want to fix this but because i made a bad consumer choice from desperation, i can enter and then somehow never leave a living hell driving me into early dementia and death. if i was someone whose work mattered, who had been good and kind enough, maybe this wouldn't happen to them but i am not that person. i am whatever this is. i have been telling my landlord for a year and a half that this is happening. he shrug emoji's me and then gets counter-mad.

i am tired of writing like this. i am even more tired of living like this. if i had enough money i would find out how to pay someone enough money to murder me efficiently and make sure i was dead.

i write this because i don't know what else to do. i do this instead of self-harm.

i used to be able to write about different things. if you go back and read when i was writing in the weekly motels i was a better writer, a more diverse writer. i had a better vocabulary, i fashioned far more elegant sentences. i have lost all of that because of where i chose to live. as a writer, this is intolerable. i hate the person i have been reduced to. i hate the person i seem like at work. i have been permanently reduced in capacity because of this desperate consumer choice. that which is proud in me screams for a grand end. i will probably just slip away unnoticed into dementia in my fifties which is for me a fate worse than death. if i can get out of here into stable housing sufficient for a disabled person i have a chance to avoid dementia but that window is closing. this matters to me but i feel it must only matter to me. i will be someone else's problem downriver though and i will be a less big problem if i can avoid the worst neurological outcomes now. does anyone care about this besides me? i feel like my family has written me off years ago and so don't take my complaints seriously. tonight will be another night i pray for death. i hope someone who will finally do something about this is listening.

here is what i need help with today

hello since i have begun writing in my blog again out of desperation, i have had not had much success in the aim of material assistance which i would not be asking for if i didn't need it.
yesterday i was sent home from work because i was not able to get enough cbd/thc to stop the spasms prior to work. on the way home, the only nearby dispensary was out of the disposable 1:1 pen i use for emergencies and when out. so now i have to go to work again without enough medicine and once again might get sent home, having now lost the income from yesterday, putting me again in a financial hole i CANNOT GET OUT OF.

today just to function as a human being i will need:

a) 1 1/8th of cbd-dominant dry flower $60
b) 1 1/8th of thc-dominant dry flower $60
c) 1 1:1 cbd/thc disposable vape pen $40

d) gas sufficient to drive the MULTIPLE HOURS after work to get the medicine due to extreme shortage in PA, so one tank of gas $25
e) Boswellia, an anti-inflammatory for joint pain, $15 (i also need ALA and calcium citrate but i will wait until wed for those i guess)

f) food. i am out of food, so idk, $50 for food enough for two/three days. i have no kitchen, only a microwave and a dorm fridge, so everything is out of a box.

just for today, that is a total of $250. i cannot function really without this stuff. i thought i would 'just get by' yesterday but then i got sent home. my life is collapsing.

i can accept help from google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail and also paypal

this is my life driving at 60mph toward a brick wall. i won't have anything to get to the end of the year with. i am having a nervous breakdown on top of whatever else is happening.

also, because i wasn't stressed-out enough, yesterday i came out to my transphobic dad, who, after trying to seem supportive, went back to being fully transphobic even while saying he loved me unconditionally but won't affirm my gender. GREAT!!! everything is awesome

another winning day where i am the winner at winning

dear all:

i am already sorry i revived this blog. i am too sick to have a blog. i stopped it before because i was tired of writing about horrifying health and poverty related matters. i keep thinking that things can't get worse and i keep being wrong. i was sent home from work today because i ran out of medical marijuana sufficient to cover my nervous system convulsions during work which alarmed people and so i was upset and had ANOTHER work conference and sent home after having gastro convulsions in the bathroom which were sequels from today's earlier gastro convulsions which resulted in bloody stool after hours of evacuation. this was probably the result of continued carrageenan poisoning from last week. i didn't eat for four days. i couldn't sleep. everything hurt so much. i had inflammation spikes in my heart and lungs and all joints and cns in addition to gastrointestinal spikes. i tried to get 1:1 thc-cbd disposable vape because everyone is out of flower in the state after i was sent home with the last of my bank account but they were out at the dispensary so now i am using what is left to calm down my body. i have had to ration but it wasn't enough to last until wednesday when i get my disability check. on that day i will have to pay half of my entire disability check to my landlord for november's rent. on that same day i will have to purchase groceries and mmj. after that all of my disability money for the month will be gone. my paycheck will be garbage again. it is a vicious circle consuming everything. today i had florid motor and speech problems. what is funny is that when they happen i think my body is just making it up somehow and that i am lying when i describe it to others. i spent so long dissociating in my body, so depersonalized that when i try to tell people the truth it sounds to me like i am lying. every day i wish i would die. i don't have a way out of this.

i am running out of food. i am running out of mmj. without enough thc my body is going into spasms. i always focus on the cbd as an anti-inflammatory and mood stabilizer but thc is the anti-depressant, anti-spasmodic pain relief. i am so tired of being this person. i hate to ask for help so much that i would rather kill myself but then i feel like that is unacceptable so then i have to try to get enough food and medicine to live which is almost impossible. it shouldn't be. i hate involving others in my karma which is bad. if you can help with anything for the next couple of days that would be great but tbh this is not working. i don't know what else to do. i feel like a sham like a con asking for money all the time online. i am a constant emergency that will never be ok. i am the very definition of compassion fatigue. i am sick of myself so much that suicide is a daily option but i don't think that i can even kill myself mechanically anymore. i wish there was a soylent green suicide chamber with ambient waves of grain. i would gladly give myself over. if you can help or want to, i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail via google pay. if that is how paypal works (with email or with that id) then i can receive monies that way as well. i don't think i am doing anything that merits my own survival tbh

carrageenan is a killer /

 i have a carrageenan allergy. within minutes of consuming something with carrageenan the overwhelming bodily pain starts. in my skin, in my abdomen, in my neck and skull.

yesterday because amazon was out of the two main algal omega 3's i take for daily functionality, i had received a 'carrageenan-free' algal vegan omega 3 from nested naturals which had plastered testimonials and reviews from customers all over its amazon site that it DOES NOT contain carrageenan and has what appears to be customer reps affirming that it has no carrageenan so when i got home after having not enough omega three i took one and THEN read their 'other ingredients' list which DOES NOT APPEAR on the main page of their amazon item page. i am so sick with inflammation i want to die. i wanted to die three years ago the last time i took a carrageenan capsule. it took weeks for me to feel less bad but i have permanent damage from that episode just as i will have permanent damage from this one, with damage to my insulin resistance, brain, peripheral nervous system, etc. the pain is so bad. i was already fasting for two days but now i will have to extend my fast from two days to three or four. i want to die i am in so much pain. it feels like red angry plastic is leaking from my hands and feet which are swollen with edema. all of my joints hurt so bad it feels like i have the flu. i can't think or feel right. i am supposed to go to work in customer service today after leaving work yesterday because i felt so bad and then i went home and made things just this much worse because i am too stupid to live.
 

i have paid no rent this month. i need  $540 JUST FOR MY RENT
i have no medical marijuana as of today so after work i have to drive for hours to spend the
money i don't have to try to get some cbd dry flower because it suppresses inflammation. i might not have enough money to even do that.

i also now have to try and find some carrageenan-free vegan omega three before or after work.
my life is unending horror from things that shouldn't cause that.

i keep fantasizing about having enough money to hire someone to kill me and make sure i am dead.
i would do it myself but i worry i am not strong enough physically to complete the job.

i keep fantasizing about giving out my personal contact information online to people who might want to kill me. like finding nazis would would want to and asking them to kill me. i never have enough money at once to buy a gun and i worry i would screw it up like i screw up everything.

no one reads this blog. i don't matter. i am not a real person. my suffering isn't real compared to the suffering of real people with real lives and real families. i am not good enough to deserve to be a real person. god told me i wasn't allowed. that i had to be locked out of all of life. i am scared that my suicide will be just as cursed. i am alone. i hate myself.

today was really a defeat for me

hello everyone:

i spent the past week at home when not doing errands. i got very badly hurt at home several times from which i have not recovered. today i couldn't go to work or rather i went and then told them i could not complete a four-hour cashier shift so had to go home. this represents again for me a tremendous loss of income but the chronic pain in my back and my neck/spine has been so bad that i chose not to work today even though it was made clear to me that my not working was further jeopardizing an already rocky position at work because i have missed so much work this fall being sick or injured. i already cannot make ends meet which is why i am back here again talking about this online which i promised myself i wouldn't do anymore because i no longer believe in keeping myself alive really but i don't feel i could even execute myself properly anymore because i am too chronically injured to succeed so i have to find some way of staying alive. my building is the main source of chronic pain for me over the last year and a half. if you want you can read about it in prior posts. i don't have the energy to recapitulate everything. my body is falling apart. i haven't paid rent at all for november. i have to go on dangerous and long-distance drives to acquire medicine when i can afford it which is never. now my job might let me go. it is all that i have. i honestly pray for death every night. i hate begging to live. since i have re-opened this blog to beg the internet for intercession to stay alive not one person has contacted me or assisted or offered assistance. please note that i am not saying this to shame you the readers!!! no! please don't think that. we are living in a horrifying depression where we have had to socialize the costs of billionaires and their institutions. even if that were not the case i honestly don't think that i am worthy of keeping alive anymore. i just don't have any path forward. i used to be smarter than i am now. i used to be able to make things that people kind of liked some times but now i am just a burden and a waste. in the past year and a half the daily suffering has been so bad i have seriously made contingency plans for what if i could not pay rent anymore what if i could not eat what if i could not get lifesaving medicines. i would have to begin protocols of voluntary cessation of eating and drinking. i can fast for a long time in relation to food but i have not practiced really with liquids. if i had been a different person when i was younger i wouldn't be this garbage revenant. i would be someone who was really a person who had a family, a partner, a career, a home they could be proud of. instead i am failing out of being able to work at a big box store because i am too dumb to not live in a building which is killing me. i wish it would kill me faster. when i texted my elderly mother who lives across the country that i was in so much chronic pain i couldn't work today she said i should go to the emergency room. i am alone here.i just want to give up. why should i not give up in the face of all of this.


 UPDATE: I rely upon omega 3's for neuro-cognitive health. i am vegan and i no longer tolerate flaxseed oil so i have been taking algal oil omega 3's. amazon ran out of the brand i was using so i had to find another brand quickly. the one i selected, nested naturals, i selected because they claimed not to use carrageenan which i am highly allergic to, creating a runaway inflammation process in my body and brain that is extremely painful even from a very small exposure. the product i received and then took a capsule of in fact contained 'seaweed extract' which turns out to be carrageenan a fact i noticed once my hands turned bright red and began hurting. the last time i took carrageenan i almost attempted suicide because the pain was so bad. i couldn't eat for three days from the abdominal pain. i felt so bad inside my central nervous system. i cannot believe a company would expose people like me to such a severe toxin. they claim it is safe and so they have no responsibility to correct their erroneous marketing. now i will sick for days. i already missed work today and am at risk of losing my job. now tomorrow i will be expected to go to work so sick i want to die and i do not have the omega threes i desperately need. i want to die. i am cursed.

Slaylor Moon - Zone Of Pure Resistance (2019) (plus telethon rambling! great! the best!

Slaylor Moon's Zone is the kind of music i want to listen to when imagining what it must feel like to not want to get out of bed because it feels good to remain in bed when you have taken a nap at some inopportune time and now when u get up from your nap is is totally dark and cold outside and you don't want to go outside you just want to lay in bed and stare out into the darkness. it rules. these are the slow jamz i need for those days i don't die in my sleep <3 [OK so i have decided after yesterday i am going to do something different. The long rambling posts about how jacked up everything is in my life and asking for large amounts of inchoate monies to get through the next two weeks is probably not a good rational strategy. instead i will post an album i am listening to these days and/or rn and i will tell you what i need help with immediately. It is kind of like an end-of-year telethon but these aren't like BEST OF albums just the albums i am listening to and remember to record here. i don't watch movies these days. i am too hurt. instead i watch msnbc (barf) and baking shows (which i like) and listen to music. normally i would have been drawing but the nerve damage is too bad to draw. so yesterday i spent like 85 dollars at the grocery store. that represents what was the balance of my checking account after paying for one half of the rent for november which i have but still haven't gotten from the bank. i am going to do that today. as of right now i have thirty dollars to get through a week and a half until i get disability. in this week i will need like $200-$250 for pain management meds in the form of mmj, gas to get to and from work, food for the later part of the week after i initiate and complete this week's 48-hour fast which i do every week to save money and harness autophagy. i don't know if it is ultimately what i should be doing. so if you can help me with literally anything to survive the next week and a half that would be awesome because my bank balance is thirty dollars unless i want to use my rent money to survive thusly breaking my word to my landlord that i would have the rent money by friday which i now have. my finances are a tower sliding into an abyss. if you can/want to help for the next week and a half (for this month) please send monies via google pay to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com i know i have paypal i just don't remember how it works but i use the same id there and have received money from friends recently. i hate doing this. i am only doing this because i have literally exhausted all other resources after missing a bunch of work in october and november from being sick. i don't have anyone else in my life i can ask so i am asking the cosmos. if i am well enough i can produce content that people like sometimes. if i am too sick i cannot. i would rather not live under those circumstances but i cannot find a reasonable way to cease to exist intentionally in the united states today.

dear everyone hello i need some help i am sorry

i shut down this blog in april because i was tired of posting things about chronic injury and poverty, especially when i was not posting artwork or clips to music i was listening to. all i did was howl in pain and ask for help. i was hoping i would die or find a way out of my situation at home and with my car. it has been seven months. i have not managed to make anything better. i can't by myself.

since i have last been here, i switched gp's to an 'lbtq-friendly' practice. the first day i was there, they didn't listen to me and forced me to undergo a routine exam which led as i feared to head injury, a head injury i haven't recovered from almost five months on. i fought to get a social worker through my doctor group. she liked me at first but when it became clear how difficult a patient i would be she called me to fire me angrily telling me i was a waste of her time. i have been so ashamed i have not sought any health care since then and i won't. she did what she set out to do, lock me out of all health care. now i have to do everything by myself. i am living with something i have become more and more convinced is a dangerous, life-long kind of ehlers-danlos syndrome which has submerged me in severe chronic disabling pain in my spine, back, head, hips and is destroying me on a day-to-day level. i get hurt sitting at home. i get hurt driving a car. i get hurt crossing a parking lot. when i get hurt i get hurt for days, sometimes weeks. i work through the hurt as much as i can. some days i can't. some days the injuries overwhelm me and i have to go home from work. some days i cannot walk or drive home and have to sit at work not working.

i work at a retail big box store at self-checkout. i can't cashier anymore because my body can't handle it. i only work around 15-18 hours a week at 13 dollars an hour. i make approx 1150 a month in disability. outside of help begged from family and friends, that is my only income. my rent is 540 dollars a month. i now have to pay twice monthly in cash because i cannot afford to pay it at the beginning of the month. i spend like a hundred dollars a month on internet/streaming which is my only channel to the outside. i spend like 85 dollars a month on car insurance. in order to survive i rely upon medical marijuana for the intolerable constant chronic pain. it works. it doesn't get me high. it makes my life somewhat liveable with the chronic pain, but it costs $250 dollars a week when times are good. right now pa is in a dry flower drought which means i have to drive long distances in my car, getting hurt in the process to buy more expensive flower, so it is more like $300 dollars a week. i rely upon hundreds of dollars a month on anti-inflammatory supplements (otc stuff like turmeric, omega threes, etc - i have had to cut back to afford mmj but they are also necessary for day-to-day life with the tbi/inflammation/etc) i don't have a kitchen or even a sink in my apartment outside of the bathroom. i only have a dorm fridge. so i have to rely upon prepackaged foods. i fast 48 hours a week to save money and to promote autophagy but even then my food budget is like 100-150  a week. then i have to buy gas. i drive a half-hour each way to my job. my car's car engine light has been on for three months. my car needs inspection. my car needs probably like a thousand dollars in repairs and maintenance which would make it not hurt me and somewhat more driveable for a 16 year pos gm. i cannot buy new clothes or afford to go to the movies (which my body cannot handle now anymore anyway). i cannot afford to make my life better at all. i cannot afford to move or to get a new car.

part of my lifelong disabilities include emotional and cognitive, developmental disabilities. if i had to say i would probably be diagnosed on the asd spectrum had i been born not in the mid-seventies. the older i get the more it makes sense to me that i would have a complex of issues that centered around premature birth/birth defects/eds/autism/orthopedic/cns issues. unfortunately these things make my ability to communicate my very real problems to people much more difficult. i always think i am being clear and detailed and then people respond like i have said something insane or my behavior is not reasonable around issues of great personal import to me.

every day i pray to die. every day i wish i would die because i regard myself as a burden on my friends and family. i live alone. i am alone in my town. i live close-ish to my ex but increasingly i don't see her at all because i am more and more disabled. my quality of life is very poor. my only hope for the future was to get access to an apartment which didn't hurt, a car which didn't hurt, and trans-affirming healthcare finally in my mid-forties. this was the minimum for surviving this year and not only do i not have access to that, i am making less money at my job, things are more expensive, i have NO HEALTHCARE and my ability to think/write/work/drive is far more compromised than it was a year ago. i can barely move my head left or right. it hurts so much to drive i have to take days off between.

i have come back to this blog that i abandoned in despair because this fall i have asked everything i can from my friends and family. they went into money they didn't have to help me survive this far. i feel guilty about surviving at all. i don't think i deserve to survive. i don't think that what is left of me is worth keeping alive. if i had an easy way to do it there are many days i would assist suicide myself. today is not one of those days which is why i am writing something like this which i promised myself i would not write again no matter what.

i have to get by the rest of this month. i don't know how i will do that. i don't even know how much to reasonably ask for. three hundred dollars? six hundred dollars? idk. this is to make up not only missed work but also the crater of poverty. i work the maximum amount the government will allow me even though it hurts so much to do it. if i could work more i would. this puts me in a trap i cannot get out of. more money in disability every month would really help as would a higher ceiling on income. if i could reasonably have a patreon i would but i can't reliably write anymore.

anyway if you read this and you are inclined to, please help. i don't know what else to do for the last two weeks of november. i don't know what december or the new year will bring.

i need orthopedic shoes. i need an mri of my spine and brain. i need hrt. i need enough food. i need enough medicine. i need a home that doesn't hurt. i need a car that doesn't hurt. i need to not be scared and desperate every day of my life. and if i can't have that i want to be able to die with dignity as a free choice. my long-term health prospects at this point, even if i got from this point forward, everything i needed, are not good. the thought of having to go through that is demoralizing. the thought of having to go through that alone without basic resources in horrifying pain is intolerable.

i would relocate to any state with mmj and trans health care. the places where my friends and family generally live do not cover that. i think about moving back to florida some times but it no longer feels like home. i worry there is no home for me. i wish i would cease to exist in this life.

anyway, anything that you can for the next two weeks. i don't take more than i need so if i am ok i will delete this or make a large edit or new thanking post. this is the only way i have to get through the next two weeks. i am sorry to ask. i can accept help through google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail <3 nathaxnne

ghost cat 1.0

Goodbye

I have maintained this blog or a blog since the mid-00's on and off. I have used them to put out art and images and sometimes sound out into the world. My injuries have become so severe that I cannot think let alone write or draw. The accident(s) in September put an end to my ability to make art. They also have helped put an end to my ability to write and think. I cannot get out of my apartment. The injuries continue every day. I get injured driving over potholes. I get injured being in the path of someone else's car door slam. I get injured when someone drops something heavy on the floor. I get injured when i step off the curb wrong. I spend nearly every day in such severe pain from migraine, headache, arthritis pain, nerve pain that i have no quality of life. I cannot watch tv. I cannot watch movies. I cannot read books. I cannot relax at home because if i try i get injured. So i have to get up and go as soon as possible every day. I am agoraphobic. Once i go outside i start getting hurt there. There is nowhere i am safe. Nowhere that feels ok. I have a job to cover $1000 a month of medical marijuana which is the only thing which helps with the pain and the brain injury. it has kept me going this far but because of the bad electrical? in my apartment ALL of the VERY EXPENSIVE vaporizers have been destroyed, leaving me with no way to get my medicine and out hundreds if not thousands of dollars and my job only affords me $8-- a month after taxes. I have disability which is 1150 a month, 540 of which goes to rent. the rest goes to gas and anti-inflammatory supplements which are the only other thing that helps with the pain. i can't take narcotics. i can't take most otc pain meds. my cognitive problems are getting worse. they wouldn't if i didn't live in an apartment which was actively assaulting me every day but in a way where i have to intuit their next move, where going to the bathroom is dangerous, where going to the kitchen area is dangerous. i have asked for help from my landlord, told him how much i was suffering and he is like shrug emoji. i have told behavioral health clinics, therapists, gps, exes, family members, friends, total strangers, coworkers, employers, FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR and NO ONE CAN HELP ME. i am really disabled. i live all alone. i can't do paperwork or phone trees very well. i used to be able to write movie reviews on letterboxd but now my brain injury has made that impossible. i have no creative outlet. i have no joy in my life. i have no quality of life. i cannot afford food. i cannot afford gas. even with help. my life-saving medicine is $1000 dollars a month and i still can't get it adequately for reasons i cannot comprehend. i haven't been a good person. i haven't been a good friend. i haven't been a good artist. i haven't been a good child. i haven't been a good partner. i haven't been a good parent. and i won't. i won't ever. what i have done is done. there are no more good days. thank you. i love you. there will be no more entries here. goodbye. <3 nathaxnne

ps: i am just shutting down this blog. it will remain up as long as it is maintained by whomever. please do not worry. thank you for reading and looking. <3 <3 

I Am Abandoning This Apartment

Dear Friends And Readers:

I am badly hurt every day by living in this apartment. I wake up. I get hurt. I go to the bathroom. I get hurt. I sit down to write or eat. I get hurt. I get hurt over and over and over again every day. I get hurt in ways that are permanently affecting my speech, my motor functions and my cognition. I am getting hurt so badly I can't work anymore as an f-ing GREETER in a big box store. The only reason this is happening is because I live in a dangerously unsafe apartment. Before I lived here, I was spending MY ENTIRE DISABILITY ALLOTMENT ON HOUSING, a full $1100+ a month on living in an f-ing weekly motel right on an f-ing interstate highway. I have been living in hell for a year. I am not going to do it anymore. I don't care anymore if I am homeless. I don't want to be alive. I turn 45 in one week and i am going to turn 45 here, in a living hell of brain injury. I am leaving here and I don't care if I die. I have told my family, my therapist, my job, the state, my landlord, the flower shop, EVERYONE that I am being hurt neurologically every day in such a profound manner that it is destroying the person that i am. I can't write anymore. I can't draw anymore. I can't think anymore. I can't work at a F-ing big box store anymore. I refuse to be hurt like this anymore even if it means my death. Fuck This. NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE

every week i run out of food and medicine and gas anyway. this is not a life i can live. fuck this.

yesterday i tried to use the last of my money to get reishi mushroom powder bc it helps but i didn't have enough money so i just couldn't get it. i go without lots of medicine that helps brain function all the time because i can't afford it. i can't afford the medically necessary vaporizer that would help restore basic functioning. I can 't even afford the $50 yearly renewal fee for my medical marijuana card! Wells Fargo stole $100 from me and now i am permanently screwed. i have food for a day. gas for one day. i have to get another two weeks until i get paid again. i don't want to live anymore. this is not acceptable.

Hi! I Could Use Some Help This Week What Else Is New? How Are You Doing?

Hi Friends & Readers!

This week I could really use some help with affording supplements which will help me detox from an unfortunate exposure to yucky chemicals in cheap vinyl gloves i tried wearing for protection at my job but they made me sick. My body is processing out the garbage but i feel terrible in the meantime. Also the exposure will have long-term damage to insulin resistance, metabolism, endocrine function, but i cannot worry about that right now. I still need to get out of this apartment somehow. The supplements i need this week include: Acetyl L Carnitine, Reishi Mushrooms, Magnesium Threonate, Milk Thistle, L-Theanine, Boswellia, White Willow, etc. I take these and more every week to treat brain injury and oxidative damage. There is no FDA-approved pharma for treating chronic brain injury and the long-term problems potentially arising from it. Managing the burden of chemical load and trying to get it out of my body as much as possible or at least optimizing in/out flow is part of treating brain injury holistically. Anyway if you are willing/able to help out, I can receive $$ via google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail. mostly when i write something like this, i don't get any monetary help or a little and everything is helpful and i really appreciate it but if you can't or don't want to that is totally cool. please don't feel obliged. i write these as much as documents of what it is like to live this way as i do to ask for bare monetary assistance that in many other states would be provided by tax-payer-funded programs for housing/food/medical help. love to you all I hope you all are ok!!! <3 <3

ps: i have been trying to get out of the apartment on the days like today when i don't go to work or don't go to work until later so if you want to send $$ not for supplements/food/gas but for a movie ticket that would be rad too. I don't have to go to the movies but it is easier to motivate when there is a time to aim for rather than just errands/etc <3

UPDATE: I just found out that the $100 I lost at the Wells Fargo ATM WILL NOT be refunded to me by Wells Fargo which is JUST GREAT because sure I have $100 to just lose hahahahahaahaha
it really isn't worth trying to live this way really really it isn't

These also are just the short-short-term expenses. This month or within the month i also have to a) renew my PA MMJ card for $50 I now don't have, buy a medically-functional vaporizer recommended by my doctor for $200, get my 100,000 mile car tune-up/fluid replacement for $600 (!!!), research and effectuate a move to a non-lethal apartment which will require thousands of dollars i don't have. This is what I am preoccupied with every day when I wake up. Then, inevitably, something happens, and I get hurt or sick and then I can't think about the larger questions and every day is like this.

My Apartment Is Killing Me

In the aftermath of my getting badly hurt twice by heavy things being dropped on our shared floor yesterday and this kind of thing going on for a year, and these injuries being progressive and neurological, i have declared to everyone in my life for a whole year that i am being badly hurt over and over and over again in ways that are leading to a permanent decline in my own being in my own self. i will never be the same again after yesterday. this is allowed to happen. i can be hurt over and over and over again in my own home and this is ok. this is america. because i am poor and disabled it is ok that i am being hurt. my life doesn't matter. other people's lives matter. they have real homes and real jobs and real work and real families. i am a pretend person who doesn't matter, like pretend money in monopoly. i tell my family i am getting hurt and they tell me they can't help. that i should open a savings account. the only person i know here is my ex and she cannot help. i have sought assistance from the local government and they have denied me. i don't know what to do. if i kill myself people will point to years of mental health problems and they will say how sad it was that i was so depressed. listen: i am telling you now. if i kill myself it is to pre-empt and prevent the years of decline and suffering brought on by being INJURED DAILY IN MY OWN HOME!!!! if this happened to you, you would sue, you would move!!! i have told my landlord, begged him for help getting out of this situation, but he cannot help me. i am so not-real that i beg and beg and beg for help for a year and like always no one can help. even if they can hear, they cannot help. i am cursed. it is my fault. if i had gone to the movies yesterday like i had wanted i wouldn't have gotten hurt, wouldn't have compromised my future AGAIN. it is my fault i am hurt. my fault. if i take my life. it is a RATIONAL DECISION. I want you to understand this. <3

after the two severe impacts yesterday, i had a migraine that lasted for over twelve hours. my neck and spine still hurt. i can feel the flushed inflammation in my skin and veins. i am badly hurt. i no longer want to live.

I Just Got Badly Hurt At My Desk In My Apartment

OK so here is a really good example of what I am talking about. Today I cancelled my therapy appointment because I have had a stomach bug and I didn't want to drive there and maybe make someone else sick especially in an environment where people might be immunocompromised. I went to work yesterday and I was planning on going to the movies today even though I am broke so as to avoid the very heavy things being dropped on the shared floor sending shock waves through my chair/desk/bed/toilet into my spine/skull. so i put up with some things impacting the floor but i am used to a certain level of constant injury but then just a few minutes ago, either something very very heavy was dropped on the floor or the basement doors were flung open, causing a jarring through the floor so profound my chair shook, my desk shook and i hit myself in the teeth with my vaporizer. immediately my speech and motion were affected and i have bad tremors in my hands. i always forget how bad it is when this happens. i blame myself because i had a contingency plan and i failed. i am agoraphobic and it is hard for me to make schedules. i will take almost any excuse to stay in. now I am badly hurt. in my experience, this is the injury that took me months to feel better from the last time it happened. i live in what amounts to an industrial space. i need to get out. my neurological disabilities are preventing me from being able to marshal what i need to do even the beginnings of this. this is why i tried to get a case manager a little while ago. i need to get help. every day i am afraid of something like this happening and now is has happened again. i can't tell how terrifying it is to be at home on a day off when you are too poor or sick to go anywhere waiting to get hurt as you type at your desk and then it comes and then it comes again and you wonder if the next time will be the time that really really hurts and triggers dementia or cte or parkinsonisms that don't go away. living like this is a hell on earth. i have adapted to it because i can adapt to living in hell. i have lived in hell my whole life. it is the path of many hells. it is a difficult path and one which will destroy you utterly over and over and over again and leave less than nothing left.

It has been almost a full year of this. I don't know how much longer I can do this for real

Now for the rest of my life I am going to wonder why i just didn't go to the movies like i was planning to and i wouldn't have gotten hurt this badly but i know why i didn't go. I didn't go because i have a stomach bug and i am poor and agoraphobic but now I am hurt so fucking badly that it won't ever go away. I can't think of a single other person I know who lives like this. It is horrifying. It is not a life. My laptop is swaying because my arms are convulsing while i type this. fuck this. 

I Am Too Dumb To Live And Finally Have Proof

Today I have proof that i am too dumb to live and i should take all of the helpful internet advice and kms. For weeks/months my ex and i have been trying to sell off my comic book collection to get it out of her basement and get some money for both of us. she is doing all the labor so she gets half which is fair. Finally after months and months of hard work, we get the check and i get  $200 deposited in my account which is good because another winter storm is coming and without that money i had $25 in my account until Friday where i may not get hardly anything for my paycheck. i needed that money to get the cbd:thc 1:1 flower which is my primary medicine for treating chronic pain/brain injury/severe anxiety etc. it is the only way i am able to go to work or have any quality of life. the dispensary was closing in a half hour. I had to get cash from the atm. i went and did this. i was in line and people were behind me. i took my card back but not the cash. i didn't know this until i went to pay for my medicine. then i didn't have the money. the money was withdrawn from my account but i don't have it. i was in the machine. so someone else took it. i spent an hour on the phone with 5 different wells fargo employees. they kept trying to transfer me to the atm claims department which is closed because today is presidents day. no one can help me. i am now out half of all the money i\ have and i don't have the medicine i need. i can barely type because my hands are not working right. i want to kms. i can't even manage this. tomorrow i have to go to work and cannot spend all that time on the phone  and then i can't get the medicine and another bad winter storm is coming. i don't have enough money for food this week. i was already having to choose between enough medicine and enough food and now i will just have to not eat this week. this is crazy. this is my stupid life. i want to die . i want to die i want to die

update: i also forgot to get toilet paper. no money no food no toilet paper no medicine
this is every day. this is not life. this is living death

update 2: after i got home and reviewed what happened, i think it wasn't my fault at all but that the atm dispensed the wrong bills, giving me 5 ones rather than the necessary bills. this is consistent with all other evidence and makes more sense. i hope wells fargo gives me back my $100!!!

Update 2/15/19

Update: Exchanged garbage vaporizer for new model garbage vaporizer. It doesn't work well enough even though brand new. Got badly hurt by car door slam yesterday. Hurt by impact injury day before. Can't watch movies. Can't write. Can't drive. Because vaporizer garbage cannot get enough medicine. Very depressed. Don't want to go on like this. I was supposed to go to movies today with someone I really care about and had to cancel because of injury. I feel like I am nothing but a disappointment. I don't want to be alive. I don't know how i will ever get out of this apartment. I don't want to go on living. I need help and I don't know where it will come from. I hate needing help. I want to be entirely independent. Honestly I don't want to live anymore. I am trying to arrange things for the end of life. I am not going to hurt myself. I am just tired of living like I am a real person. I am not. I am a ghost or a zombie or a ghost haunting a zombie. I want my body to die. I want consciousness to either cease or open up, rejoined to the all. I will seek incarnation again at a later time if offered to me but I cannot do this anymore. I am not competent to have a body. I wish my life had save points that I could return to and try again from.

I am thinking of abandoning this blog. I used to use it for art and music and now all i use it for is to complain about being hurt. 

Hi! My February Is Not Going Awesome! :(

Hi! I am writing this because I am having a tremendously bad day. This month I have had to call out of work 6 times. This has never happened in my work history. 2 times were because my starter died. The other 4 have been due to major winter storms. I have to walk to get to my car, sometimes long distances. This becomes really dangerous in snow and ice. When I first moved to Minneapolis, I wasn't there a month before I slipped on black ice and sprained the right half of my body, torquing it so that it has never really healed. I don't walk the same. My foot points in a different direction than it had previously. My right hip and spine don't work as well. I am freaked out by freezing rain and black ice. So, in my trapped state, i now realize that i do not have a single working vaporizer. I have purchased 3 vaporizers and they have all failed. The fact that the only one I had that worked is now not working or charging explains why i felt so awful yesterday but this is a living nightmare. I rely upon 1:1 thc-cbd dry flower medical marijuana to be able to function at all really. By state law and the conditions of my lease, i cannot use combustion to use dry leaf marijuana, which means that I have to rely on the very shitty vaporizers that i can afford which then break and malfunction constantly. when that happens, i decompensate rapidly. mmj is VERY effective but is a pain to use. the whole plant is what works best. there are oils and carts and all of that but they do not provide the deep relief and healing that the flower does. there are so many other cannabinoids in mj other than thc and cbd and they all interrelate to heal my nervous system and relieve pain. THC by itself cannot do that. I am getting off-track because I can't get my medicine! This is what sucks. I need the medicine to feel better and be more functional so once that stops working I have trouble making plans and thinking through what must happen. I can't get out of the house today anyway but now I have to go buy ANOTHER vaporizer! They won't take them back at the dispensaries! I am supposed to print out a mailing label (i don't have a printer) and package them up and mail them off to the manufacturer which i totally will do but getting myself organized enough to go to the post office after having gone to my ex's to use the printer is something that i need medicine for and can't do today anyway. i don't have another $100-$200 to spend on an additional replacement vaporizer. i didn't even have enough money to get food and medicine for this week let alone new hardware again again. i am going to try to use the TWO broken vaporizers in concert with each other, burning up all of my medicine, to get something to work enough to not feel suicidal today. Additionally, i am at home while the flower shop is open, and they drop heavy things into our shared floor all day and move tables and stuff and all of those shocks go into my spine and skull, causing symptoms which take days/weeks/months to resolve. i am making the decision to stay at home and suffer brain injury rather than try and drive a car on black ice and snow to a job a half-hour away by highway because i can't afford to live close to my job. i only have this job because my disability does not pay enough to survive and Pennsylvania does not subsidize medical marijuana patients in any way. I am at a total loss today. Honestly it was all i could do to not have a total meltdown on the phone when i called out again. I am worried I am going to lose my cashiering job. How pathetic is that? I can't lose that job because it is the only way i can even TRY to afford the medicine I need to feel ok even a little. Now I am weeping fuck.

so tomorrow I have to come up with what, $100-$200 for a vaporizer (i just had my yearly visit with my mj doctor and she recommended one which runs about $170-$200 locally, but even if i could get the cheapest, shittiest one the model that is failing me rn, that would be $70, then i need money for the medicine for a week or two, which is more than it should be and i need food and my last paycheck was almost nothing because of this and my next paycheck will be almost nothing because of this.  This is how poverty compounds itself. Wealth compounds but so does poverty. My environment would be safe and nontoxic if I had wealth. If i had wealth i wouldn't need to drive a car \that never works and is always breaking. If I had wealth I would not have to hurt myself and wrack my body into chronic pain cashiering. If I had wealth I could afford acupuncture. I could afford to consult a medical specialist about my very serious ongoing neurological problems. I am not talking about a lot of wealth. I am talking about the kind of wealth that is supposed to allow you access to housing, food, transportation, medical care. It is insane that any of these things should require wealth at all.

if anyone would like to help to the ongoing black hole of capitalism that my stupid life is, i can accept assistance via google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail. even if you cannot help but want to just say hello that is always nice but please no trolls like seriously can you see the day i am having? would \you would want to be trolled under such conditions?

anyway thank you for reading this. i don't know how to get out of this situation. i tried going to the county behavioral health services and explaining all of my problems to get a case manager to help me deal with all of this stuff and they denied me without explanation. i don't know how to go on. i was going to ask for help through my job but i can't even get into work and i doubt they could help me with my stupidly complex medical problems and medical hardware problems!!!  this is no different than a cpap machine or insulin pump not working! argh

The good news is that the PA MMJ system is largely excellent in terms of being patient-driven, offering a lot of latitude in terms of your own treatment which is very very good. I have been pleasantly surprised with their program. My only complaints are cost and hardware requirements, which on the whole is pretty good <3

Now they are dropping heavy things again in the flower shop or using the flower cutter maybe? ugh. i wish i was at work!!!

Update: I switched out the charging cord for one of the two vaporizers, the one which is less jacked up, and that may make a real difference. i hope so. I need to mail the really broken one back and get the credit but i need to hold onto the one that had been working for as long as possible. <3

Update: How I Am Doing Today

Dear Friends And Readers:

I was able to get sufficient help from family and friends to accomplish two main tasks: a) go to my PA MMJ appointment, the cost of which was $200 w/ a $50 card fee later on, and b) the replacement of a starter for my car which ended up being $464.00. Tomorrow is the day I normally get my paycheck but due to missing 20+ hours of work in a 40-hour pay period, my paycheck will be half or less than normal. I have to try and get to the end of the month for expenses which will include medicine, food, gas, the usual. My rent and major bills are paid and hopefully there will be no more emergencies this month. It feels like every day is a disaster. Being THIS poor just means being buffeted by constant stress, even without chronic health problems that would be difficult even with unlimited resources. Thank You All For Helping, For Listening, For Caring, For Responding. Thank You. <3 nathaxnne

So say you are on fire

So say you are on fire and you are obviously on fire and burning and the pain used to be really bad but since most of your nerve endings are too damaged to work anymore it isn't quite as bad and you are kind of getting used to it even as it is rapidly killing you and everyone around you is real concerned like 'hey! you are on fire! you should do something about that! i am worried!' and you are like 'yeah! i totally should get that looked at!' but you know that you can't and the people evincing concern can't because you are expected to go about your day and do all the things that you are supposed to do to keep yourself barely alive that being on fire is a secondary or tertiary concern and hopefully will just kill you outright and not lead to mounting medical bills and further disability and loss of potential income

Please Help I Don't Know What To Do

my life is in free-fall. i can't get medicine and have no money to do so. i can't get my car to the shop and i have no money to do so. i am supposed to go to work today and i can't. i am supposed to go to the medical marijuana doctor tomorrow and i do have the 200 dollars for my appointment but that is all i have and i have not spent that. i don't know how i am going to survive. i don't even know how to think myself out of this because everything is closing like a trap. i don't know what to do. i am having panic attack after panic attack and this is preventing me from being able to think my way out of the situation. i have to try and calm down and by the time i am able to manage that i can't circle back around to the looming material crisis that i cannot fix. running out of medicine means that even this will no longer be available to me. i don't know. i don't have enough money to solve this problem and it could lead to the end of everything for me. everything in my life is like one thing goes wrong and then everything falls. is everyone's life like this? all the time? maybe it is.

I don't have any friends or family in Central Pennsylvania other than my ex and ex-step-kids and they are not in a position to help me. I am not close enough to my job or to my fellow employees with whom i get along but am not friends with outside of work. I am scared I will lose my job. I have no credit. I have no credit cards. I am crying and crying. Should I call out of work? If I do that will be 4 callouts in 2 weeks and i could lose my job. do i call my insurance company to try and get my car to the dealership even though yesterday the phone call would NOT WORK because of my insurance company glitching out and i couldn't get them to help. i feel like i am under a curse that i wish would kill me outright but the curse is deeper than that. i am going to start ranting. please i need someone to help me. i have tried getting formal help but was denied. there is no one to help. maybe whatever i am can't be helped. maybe that is what the curse is. that no help will ultimately matter. that my curse is so heavy it will drag me down regardless of anything. maybe that is right. all the love <3 nathaxnne

Merzbow - Monoakuta (2018)

there are so many awesome Merzbow albums but this one, recorded live in 2012 in Australia, is one of my favorites. it feels like getting consumed by a dust storm but being about it <33

i am listening to merzbow to try and recover but

i turned on the news to see if the sotu speech was over and all i heard was donald trump saying the word 'blood' and i turned it off as fast as i could

I Can't Believe This Is Happening :( :(

Dear Friends And Readers:

Today My Car Will Not Start At All. I cannot get to work. This will be the third day in a week i have called out of a job that only has 20 hours in a week. I need this job to live. I need a car to have this job and to live where I can afford. Every day since I bought this car with borrowed money that i cannot pay back this car has been dying. It has flooded, it has melted, it has shorted, and now it won't start. I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed. When I bought this car I said I was disabled and needed a car that would work. I have been forced to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to try and get this car fixed and i just had it in the other week and they told me about all these fluids that need to get replaced but they gave my battery a green light and now it won't start. it isn't the battery. it won't turn over. it is like a starter or alternator or something. i can't afford to have that fixed. now i can't get to work and i can't get the car repaired and i can't get my medicine and i just want to die. i called Roadside Assistance and they said it would be a 3+ hour wait for help because of severe conditions in my area. it is in the 50's and sunny. I don't know what world i am living in. It took me an hour to get ahold of someone at work and then i called out because i can't afford a lyft and i am screaming and hyperventilating my apartment. i don't want to live this anymore. This life is impossible. I just want to die. I can't believe this.

Really I mean what am I supposed to do?  I have tried to be a good citizen. I have tried to work with a disability. I have tried to be cheerful and optimistic even in the most dire of circumstances. I have gotten up every day and tried to go to work. I have tried to maintain a home and a car and a job even though I cannot. Now all of that is going away and I have nothing left. Why should I not end my life?
Why? I have tried to get help but help was not forthcoming. I can't believe it. <3

What should I do? Please. I am just sitting here crying and shaking. If someone here responded 'KYS' well, I mean, I wish I could.  I wish there was a Soylent Green New Age Euthanasia Chamber for me so i could look at trees and mountains and extinct animals as i die. i would be happy being Soylent Green. I would be helping others. My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type.

I think I am going to lose my job :\(

I just wanted to work there long enough to die.

Can anyone tell me how to get out of this? Please. I have tried so hard and nothing matters.

Request For Help Early February Edition :(

Dear Friends And Readers: This has been a difficult month. I have had to miss several days of work due to bad weather/inclement health. My car requires hundreds and hundreds of dollars apparently of '100k mile' fluids (like $600???) but also just yesterday decided to stop starting automatically at midnight in the grocery store parking lot. This is terrifying. It starts 'eventually' but I am so scared. Additionally this week is the week I have to re-up for medical marijuana in Pennsylvania. The appointment is $200 and the card is $50. That is more than I have in my bank account and my appointment is in 3 days on Thursday!!! I am asking for help with that. I managed to make rent/bills for the month but even after I take care of the medical marijuana appointment I have to somehow make it until the end of the month. All of this is too much. My car is constantly failing and has been since I purchased it. It is a nightmare. I don't know what to do.

If you would like to help me get my medical marijuana card for the next year, which would be really rad of you, i can receive monies via google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail. thank you. <3

What follows is more context for what is going on with me. 

The other day I went to County Behavioral Health and did an intake appointment for over an hour explaining to them the complex nature of my disability in the hopes that they would assign me a case worker to help me navigate housing, cars, bills, assistance, because I am drowning. I cannot take care of anything. The medicine I need to get by day-to-day insurance will of course not pay and I cannot use the cheapest and easiest way to use that medicine and it is insanely frustrating. I can't afford a vaporizer which works properly apparently and have gone through 6 of them because defective. Anyway, I explained the decades of developmental, cognitive and emotional disability which have made daily life almost impossible and i got a letter in the mail two days later saying that they had turned me down. I only went there to ask for help because that is where my therapist told me to go. Trying to get any sort of help here is almost impossible. I have spent over two years trying to get help with housing, help with transportation, help with medical care and no one can help me. I have despaired over and over and given up over and over and everyone is like 'why can't you get all of this welfare assistance that you seem like you would be qualified for' and i tell them that no one wants to help me and they can't believe it. almost everyone tells me that i have misunderstood or that i am not telling them what the letter really said, etc. I have been living independently for a long time and i want to keep it that way. i need help, like a lot of help, to manage my affairs at all but if i have everything set up i can do the same thing every day with assistance. i can go to work almost every day and be productive. i can still for now write and think productively. i don't want to live in an institution. i want to live in a home of my own. in an apartment. i just want to live in a safe apartment that is not dangerous for someone with my medical concerns and i can't. i want to drive a car that is safe and i can't. no matter what i do or how much energy i expend no one can help me. i am preparing myself face death. i am getting ready to die but it might take a long time. i need help so that my death can be a peaceful and well-managed one. i am sorry. this letter is lame. i hate being me. i hate living with all of this. i hate getting brain injuries weekly that i am just supposed to live with because nothing can be done otherwise. anyway i am sorry. i also have had to increase my food budget. I was eating two meals a day 5 days a week but i got sick from not eating enough. I have had to make sure I have 3 meals a day plus snacks 5 days a week. Last week I had to eat for a full seven days because I had gotten ill but I was able to resume my fasting schedule with modifications. I feel like I am being crushed from outside by some enormous pressure. Sorry this letter is stupid <3 nathaxnne

Update To Request For Help January 2019 Edition

Dear Friends And Readers: Due To Extremely Kind Assistance I have been able to get some medicine, water, gas and I am going out to get a little food with what I have remaining in order to prepare for the possibility of a 5-day shut-in due to Winter Storm Harper. I am very frightened. My executive functioning is poor and so I am not good at stress planning under time crunches. I am worried I will run out of something important and be trapped. It snowed last night so I am a little worried about going out to the car even this afternoon. I called out of work for Sat/Sun which will lose income but it is too dangerous. Extreme Weather, Disability, Low-Wage Shift Work & Neurological Issues are a bad combo which increasingly many of us have to face and this wasn't an accident. It was worth more for a rapacious political class to force someone like me into the labor market for almost nothing to be on the receiving/distribution end of the labor of people who are in an even worse situation than i am and the conditions which created this were created intentionally to allow vast corporate wealth to make its own operational environment, to remake the world in a more pleasing fashion and this is what it chose, a hot, dangerous, impoverished, poisonous world where nearly everyone is terrified and sick and desperate and dying a little every day waiting for the superstorm which takes out your home or town or island as austerity pushes down harder and harder. We do not have to live this way. We can choose a different life. <3

ps: if you would like to make a donation so i am not on a steep icy precipice of monetary fear you can at google pay via numbatwombat21 at gmail but if not don't worry. the immediate immediate crisis is being dealt with and i should be alright through tues? it is a little ways off so i worry but things are not dire. <3

Request For Help January 2019 Edition Revised

Dear Friends And Readers:

I wrote and deleted a version of this earlier and was freaking out but now I am really freaking out. There is a snow storm coming which will end up potentially trapping me in my apartment. I have to get an emergency car repair of a drive belt which will cost $150. I have to get medicine and water and food in case I cannot leave. In order to get to my car I have to walk blocks down an alley. I have only today to prepare for this storm and I have no money. I was able to get enough to cover the car repair but that is all I have in my bank account. I do not like asking for money on the internet. The intersection of poverty and disability and mental illness is a self-reinforcing iron triangle. I am so exhausted I don't even know how I am going to get what I need accomplished. I am going to miss a work day probably on Sunday if not Saturday or Monday which means that a lot of my future income will also not happen. I am really worried. If you can help and anything at this point would, I can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail through google pay. It would mean i would be safe and secure through the weekend and might be able to watch movies and write something. I don't make art in the hopes that people will donate money to me online and i have never sought for it to be a source of income but i can't make art if i am in a state of illness and panic and fear and injury to a point where they overwhelm everything else. I hate being in this situation of not being able to cover expenses every month. I am working the maximum amount that the government will allow me to on disability even though working is almost impossible for me just so I can afford rent, food and medicine along with what I get for disability which is roughly 2/3 of what I made as a library clerk in 2009. Being able to get high-cbd medical marijuana has changed my life. It is why I can work, how I found this apartment which I totally need to leave because I am suffering from the stores I share this floor with continually receiving inventory and dropping it into our shared floor which leaves me in a state of continual inflammation in my nervous system. It is horrible. My therapist has recommended that I go back to the behavioral health clinic I went to 2 1/2 years ago to get case management so I can get help moving and with rent and everything and I have an appointment to go but I am skeptical. I wish I could have a safe car and a safe apartment and enough food and medicine and medical care. I got sidetracked sorry. High-cbd medical marijuana helps with everything and although I am a state-qualified patient the state offers no financial assistance to anyone with the medicine so even though it is one of two prescribed medicines I take I pay for it entirely out of pocket. I believe it is helping slow or stave off progressive brain damage/dementia and in the short term is that which allows me to have any quality of life at all. I go once or twice a week to a local dispensary. I use dry flower as it is most full-spectrum medicine and also the cheapest. This requires a vaporizer, of which I have gone through 4 since August. The ones that they sell are not so good and they are expensive and clog and melt (apparently). They add an additional layer of expense that if I could use like a bong (prohibited by the state and my landlord) I would gladly do so at this point because it is a good backup method but I am terrified of losing the only medicine other than acupuncture which has helped my chronic problems throughout my life. What is funny is that this letter is rambling because I haven't had enough of my medicine today. I will probably delete this one too. None of them are any good. Anyway please help today if you can. I am really worried. Thank You In Advance. Also if you read this and cannot help or don't want to that is totally ok with me. Please don't feel obligated. I just don't know what to do in this situation. <3