My Apartment Is Killing Me

In the aftermath of my getting badly hurt twice by heavy things being dropped on our shared floor yesterday and this kind of thing going on for a year, and these injuries being progressive and neurological, i have declared to everyone in my life for a whole year that i am being badly hurt over and over and over again in ways that are leading to a permanent decline in my own being in my own self. i will never be the same again after yesterday. this is allowed to happen. i can be hurt over and over and over again in my own home and this is ok. this is america. because i am poor and disabled it is ok that i am being hurt. my life doesn't matter. other people's lives matter. they have real homes and real jobs and real work and real families. i am a pretend person who doesn't matter, like pretend money in monopoly. i tell my family i am getting hurt and they tell me they can't help. that i should open a savings account. the only person i know here is my ex and she cannot help. i have sought assistance from the local government and they have denied me. i don't know what to do. if i kill myself people will point to years of mental health problems and they will say how sad it was that i was so depressed. listen: i am telling you now. if i kill myself it is to pre-empt and prevent the years of decline and suffering brought on by being INJURED DAILY IN MY OWN HOME!!!! if this happened to you, you would sue, you would move!!! i have told my landlord, begged him for help getting out of this situation, but he cannot help me. i am so not-real that i beg and beg and beg for help for a year and like always no one can help. even if they can hear, they cannot help. i am cursed. it is my fault. if i had gone to the movies yesterday like i had wanted i wouldn't have gotten hurt, wouldn't have compromised my future AGAIN. it is my fault i am hurt. my fault. if i take my life. it is a RATIONAL DECISION. I want you to understand this. <3

after the two severe impacts yesterday, i had a migraine that lasted for over twelve hours. my neck and spine still hurt. i can feel the flushed inflammation in my skin and veins. i am badly hurt. i no longer want to live.

I Just Got Badly Hurt At My Desk In My Apartment

OK so here is a really good example of what I am talking about. Today I cancelled my therapy appointment because I have had a stomach bug and I didn't want to drive there and maybe make someone else sick especially in an environment where people might be immunocompromised. I went to work yesterday and I was planning on going to the movies today even though I am broke so as to avoid the very heavy things being dropped on the shared floor sending shock waves through my chair/desk/bed/toilet into my spine/skull. so i put up with some things impacting the floor but i am used to a certain level of constant injury but then just a few minutes ago, either something very very heavy was dropped on the floor or the basement doors were flung open, causing a jarring through the floor so profound my chair shook, my desk shook and i hit myself in the teeth with my vaporizer. immediately my speech and motion were affected and i have bad tremors in my hands. i always forget how bad it is when this happens. i blame myself because i had a contingency plan and i failed. i am agoraphobic and it is hard for me to make schedules. i will take almost any excuse to stay in. now I am badly hurt. in my experience, this is the injury that took me months to feel better from the last time it happened. i live in what amounts to an industrial space. i need to get out. my neurological disabilities are preventing me from being able to marshal what i need to do even the beginnings of this. this is why i tried to get a case manager a little while ago. i need to get help. every day i am afraid of something like this happening and now is has happened again. i can't tell how terrifying it is to be at home on a day off when you are too poor or sick to go anywhere waiting to get hurt as you type at your desk and then it comes and then it comes again and you wonder if the next time will be the time that really really hurts and triggers dementia or cte or parkinsonisms that don't go away. living like this is a hell on earth. i have adapted to it because i can adapt to living in hell. i have lived in hell my whole life. it is the path of many hells. it is a difficult path and one which will destroy you utterly over and over and over again and leave less than nothing left.

It has been almost a full year of this. I don't know how much longer I can do this for real

Now for the rest of my life I am going to wonder why i just didn't go to the movies like i was planning to and i wouldn't have gotten hurt this badly but i know why i didn't go. I didn't go because i have a stomach bug and i am poor and agoraphobic but now I am hurt so fucking badly that it won't ever go away. I can't think of a single other person I know who lives like this. It is horrifying. It is not a life. My laptop is swaying because my arms are convulsing while i type this. fuck this. 

I Am Too Dumb To Live And Finally Have Proof

Today I have proof that i am too dumb to live and i should take all of the helpful internet advice and kms. For weeks/months my ex and i have been trying to sell off my comic book collection to get it out of her basement and get some money for both of us. she is doing all the labor so she gets half which is fair. Finally after months and months of hard work, we get the check and i get  $200 deposited in my account which is good because another winter storm is coming and without that money i had $25 in my account until Friday where i may not get hardly anything for my paycheck. i needed that money to get the cbd:thc 1:1 flower which is my primary medicine for treating chronic pain/brain injury/severe anxiety etc. it is the only way i am able to go to work or have any quality of life. the dispensary was closing in a half hour. I had to get cash from the atm. i went and did this. i was in line and people were behind me. i took my card back but not the cash. i didn't know this until i went to pay for my medicine. then i didn't have the money. the money was withdrawn from my account but i don't have it. i was in the machine. so someone else took it. i spent an hour on the phone with 5 different wells fargo employees. they kept trying to transfer me to the atm claims department which is closed because today is presidents day. no one can help me. i am now out half of all the money i\ have and i don't have the medicine i need. i can barely type because my hands are not working right. i want to kms. i can't even manage this. tomorrow i have to go to work and cannot spend all that time on the phone  and then i can't get the medicine and another bad winter storm is coming. i don't have enough money for food this week. i was already having to choose between enough medicine and enough food and now i will just have to not eat this week. this is crazy. this is my stupid life. i want to die . i want to die i want to die

update: i also forgot to get toilet paper. no money no food no toilet paper no medicine
this is every day. this is not life. this is living death

update 2: after i got home and reviewed what happened, i think it wasn't my fault at all but that the atm dispensed the wrong bills, giving me 5 ones rather than the necessary bills. this is consistent with all other evidence and makes more sense. i hope wells fargo gives me back my $100!!!

Update 2/15/19

Update: Exchanged garbage vaporizer for new model garbage vaporizer. It doesn't work well enough even though brand new. Got badly hurt by car door slam yesterday. Hurt by impact injury day before. Can't watch movies. Can't write. Can't drive. Because vaporizer garbage cannot get enough medicine. Very depressed. Don't want to go on like this. I was supposed to go to movies today with someone I really care about and had to cancel because of injury. I feel like I am nothing but a disappointment. I don't want to be alive. I don't know how i will ever get out of this apartment. I don't want to go on living. I need help and I don't know where it will come from. I hate needing help. I want to be entirely independent. Honestly I don't want to live anymore. I am trying to arrange things for the end of life. I am not going to hurt myself. I am just tired of living like I am a real person. I am not. I am a ghost or a zombie or a ghost haunting a zombie. I want my body to die. I want consciousness to either cease or open up, rejoined to the all. I will seek incarnation again at a later time if offered to me but I cannot do this anymore. I am not competent to have a body. I wish my life had save points that I could return to and try again from.

I am thinking of abandoning this blog. I used to use it for art and music and now all i use it for is to complain about being hurt. 

Hi! My February Is Not Going Awesome! :(

Hi! I am writing this because I am having a tremendously bad day. This month I have had to call out of work 6 times. This has never happened in my work history. 2 times were because my starter died. The other 4 have been due to major winter storms. I have to walk to get to my car, sometimes long distances. This becomes really dangerous in snow and ice. When I first moved to Minneapolis, I wasn't there a month before I slipped on black ice and sprained the right half of my body, torquing it so that it has never really healed. I don't walk the same. My foot points in a different direction than it had previously. My right hip and spine don't work as well. I am freaked out by freezing rain and black ice. So, in my trapped state, i now realize that i do not have a single working vaporizer. I have purchased 3 vaporizers and they have all failed. The fact that the only one I had that worked is now not working or charging explains why i felt so awful yesterday but this is a living nightmare. I rely upon 1:1 thc-cbd dry flower medical marijuana to be able to function at all really. By state law and the conditions of my lease, i cannot use combustion to use dry leaf marijuana, which means that I have to rely on the very shitty vaporizers that i can afford which then break and malfunction constantly. when that happens, i decompensate rapidly. mmj is VERY effective but is a pain to use. the whole plant is what works best. there are oils and carts and all of that but they do not provide the deep relief and healing that the flower does. there are so many other cannabinoids in mj other than thc and cbd and they all interrelate to heal my nervous system and relieve pain. THC by itself cannot do that. I am getting off-track because I can't get my medicine! This is what sucks. I need the medicine to feel better and be more functional so once that stops working I have trouble making plans and thinking through what must happen. I can't get out of the house today anyway but now I have to go buy ANOTHER vaporizer! They won't take them back at the dispensaries! I am supposed to print out a mailing label (i don't have a printer) and package them up and mail them off to the manufacturer which i totally will do but getting myself organized enough to go to the post office after having gone to my ex's to use the printer is something that i need medicine for and can't do today anyway. i don't have another $100-$200 to spend on an additional replacement vaporizer. i didn't even have enough money to get food and medicine for this week let alone new hardware again again. i am going to try to use the TWO broken vaporizers in concert with each other, burning up all of my medicine, to get something to work enough to not feel suicidal today. Additionally, i am at home while the flower shop is open, and they drop heavy things into our shared floor all day and move tables and stuff and all of those shocks go into my spine and skull, causing symptoms which take days/weeks/months to resolve. i am making the decision to stay at home and suffer brain injury rather than try and drive a car on black ice and snow to a job a half-hour away by highway because i can't afford to live close to my job. i only have this job because my disability does not pay enough to survive and Pennsylvania does not subsidize medical marijuana patients in any way. I am at a total loss today. Honestly it was all i could do to not have a total meltdown on the phone when i called out again. I am worried I am going to lose my cashiering job. How pathetic is that? I can't lose that job because it is the only way i can even TRY to afford the medicine I need to feel ok even a little. Now I am weeping fuck.

so tomorrow I have to come up with what, $100-$200 for a vaporizer (i just had my yearly visit with my mj doctor and she recommended one which runs about $170-$200 locally, but even if i could get the cheapest, shittiest one the model that is failing me rn, that would be $70, then i need money for the medicine for a week or two, which is more than it should be and i need food and my last paycheck was almost nothing because of this and my next paycheck will be almost nothing because of this.  This is how poverty compounds itself. Wealth compounds but so does poverty. My environment would be safe and nontoxic if I had wealth. If i had wealth i wouldn't need to drive a car \that never works and is always breaking. If I had wealth I would not have to hurt myself and wrack my body into chronic pain cashiering. If I had wealth I could afford acupuncture. I could afford to consult a medical specialist about my very serious ongoing neurological problems. I am not talking about a lot of wealth. I am talking about the kind of wealth that is supposed to allow you access to housing, food, transportation, medical care. It is insane that any of these things should require wealth at all.

if anyone would like to help to the ongoing black hole of capitalism that my stupid life is, i can accept assistance via google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail. even if you cannot help but want to just say hello that is always nice but please no trolls like seriously can you see the day i am having? would \you would want to be trolled under such conditions?

anyway thank you for reading this. i don't know how to get out of this situation. i tried going to the county behavioral health services and explaining all of my problems to get a case manager to help me deal with all of this stuff and they denied me without explanation. i don't know how to go on. i was going to ask for help through my job but i can't even get into work and i doubt they could help me with my stupidly complex medical problems and medical hardware problems!!!  this is no different than a cpap machine or insulin pump not working! argh

The good news is that the PA MMJ system is largely excellent in terms of being patient-driven, offering a lot of latitude in terms of your own treatment which is very very good. I have been pleasantly surprised with their program. My only complaints are cost and hardware requirements, which on the whole is pretty good <3

Now they are dropping heavy things again in the flower shop or using the flower cutter maybe? ugh. i wish i was at work!!!

Update: I switched out the charging cord for one of the two vaporizers, the one which is less jacked up, and that may make a real difference. i hope so. I need to mail the really broken one back and get the credit but i need to hold onto the one that had been working for as long as possible. <3

Update: How I Am Doing Today

Dear Friends And Readers:

I was able to get sufficient help from family and friends to accomplish two main tasks: a) go to my PA MMJ appointment, the cost of which was $200 w/ a $50 card fee later on, and b) the replacement of a starter for my car which ended up being $464.00. Tomorrow is the day I normally get my paycheck but due to missing 20+ hours of work in a 40-hour pay period, my paycheck will be half or less than normal. I have to try and get to the end of the month for expenses which will include medicine, food, gas, the usual. My rent and major bills are paid and hopefully there will be no more emergencies this month. It feels like every day is a disaster. Being THIS poor just means being buffeted by constant stress, even without chronic health problems that would be difficult even with unlimited resources. Thank You All For Helping, For Listening, For Caring, For Responding. Thank You. <3 nathaxnne

So say you are on fire

So say you are on fire and you are obviously on fire and burning and the pain used to be really bad but since most of your nerve endings are too damaged to work anymore it isn't quite as bad and you are kind of getting used to it even as it is rapidly killing you and everyone around you is real concerned like 'hey! you are on fire! you should do something about that! i am worried!' and you are like 'yeah! i totally should get that looked at!' but you know that you can't and the people evincing concern can't because you are expected to go about your day and do all the things that you are supposed to do to keep yourself barely alive that being on fire is a secondary or tertiary concern and hopefully will just kill you outright and not lead to mounting medical bills and further disability and loss of potential income

Please Help I Don't Know What To Do

my life is in free-fall. i can't get medicine and have no money to do so. i can't get my car to the shop and i have no money to do so. i am supposed to go to work today and i can't. i am supposed to go to the medical marijuana doctor tomorrow and i do have the 200 dollars for my appointment but that is all i have and i have not spent that. i don't know how i am going to survive. i don't even know how to think myself out of this because everything is closing like a trap. i don't know what to do. i am having panic attack after panic attack and this is preventing me from being able to think my way out of the situation. i have to try and calm down and by the time i am able to manage that i can't circle back around to the looming material crisis that i cannot fix. running out of medicine means that even this will no longer be available to me. i don't know. i don't have enough money to solve this problem and it could lead to the end of everything for me. everything in my life is like one thing goes wrong and then everything falls. is everyone's life like this? all the time? maybe it is.

I don't have any friends or family in Central Pennsylvania other than my ex and ex-step-kids and they are not in a position to help me. I am not close enough to my job or to my fellow employees with whom i get along but am not friends with outside of work. I am scared I will lose my job. I have no credit. I have no credit cards. I am crying and crying. Should I call out of work? If I do that will be 4 callouts in 2 weeks and i could lose my job. do i call my insurance company to try and get my car to the dealership even though yesterday the phone call would NOT WORK because of my insurance company glitching out and i couldn't get them to help. i feel like i am under a curse that i wish would kill me outright but the curse is deeper than that. i am going to start ranting. please i need someone to help me. i have tried getting formal help but was denied. there is no one to help. maybe whatever i am can't be helped. maybe that is what the curse is. that no help will ultimately matter. that my curse is so heavy it will drag me down regardless of anything. maybe that is right. all the love <3 nathaxnne

Merzbow - Monoakuta (2018)

there are so many awesome Merzbow albums but this one, recorded live in 2012 in Australia, is one of my favorites. it feels like getting consumed by a dust storm but being about it <33

i am listening to merzbow to try and recover but

i turned on the news to see if the sotu speech was over and all i heard was donald trump saying the word 'blood' and i turned it off as fast as i could

I Can't Believe This Is Happening :( :(

Dear Friends And Readers:

Today My Car Will Not Start At All. I cannot get to work. This will be the third day in a week i have called out of a job that only has 20 hours in a week. I need this job to live. I need a car to have this job and to live where I can afford. Every day since I bought this car with borrowed money that i cannot pay back this car has been dying. It has flooded, it has melted, it has shorted, and now it won't start. I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed. When I bought this car I said I was disabled and needed a car that would work. I have been forced to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to try and get this car fixed and i just had it in the other week and they told me about all these fluids that need to get replaced but they gave my battery a green light and now it won't start. it isn't the battery. it won't turn over. it is like a starter or alternator or something. i can't afford to have that fixed. now i can't get to work and i can't get the car repaired and i can't get my medicine and i just want to die. i called Roadside Assistance and they said it would be a 3+ hour wait for help because of severe conditions in my area. it is in the 50's and sunny. I don't know what world i am living in. It took me an hour to get ahold of someone at work and then i called out because i can't afford a lyft and i am screaming and hyperventilating my apartment. i don't want to live this anymore. This life is impossible. I just want to die. I can't believe this.

Really I mean what am I supposed to do?  I have tried to be a good citizen. I have tried to work with a disability. I have tried to be cheerful and optimistic even in the most dire of circumstances. I have gotten up every day and tried to go to work. I have tried to maintain a home and a car and a job even though I cannot. Now all of that is going away and I have nothing left. Why should I not end my life?
Why? I have tried to get help but help was not forthcoming. I can't believe it. <3

What should I do? Please. I am just sitting here crying and shaking. If someone here responded 'KYS' well, I mean, I wish I could.  I wish there was a Soylent Green New Age Euthanasia Chamber for me so i could look at trees and mountains and extinct animals as i die. i would be happy being Soylent Green. I would be helping others. My hands are shaking so bad I can barely type.

I think I am going to lose my job :\(

I just wanted to work there long enough to die.

Can anyone tell me how to get out of this? Please. I have tried so hard and nothing matters.

Request For Help Early February Edition :(

Dear Friends And Readers: This has been a difficult month. I have had to miss several days of work due to bad weather/inclement health. My car requires hundreds and hundreds of dollars apparently of '100k mile' fluids (like $600???) but also just yesterday decided to stop starting automatically at midnight in the grocery store parking lot. This is terrifying. It starts 'eventually' but I am so scared. Additionally this week is the week I have to re-up for medical marijuana in Pennsylvania. The appointment is $200 and the card is $50. That is more than I have in my bank account and my appointment is in 3 days on Thursday!!! I am asking for help with that. I managed to make rent/bills for the month but even after I take care of the medical marijuana appointment I have to somehow make it until the end of the month. All of this is too much. My car is constantly failing and has been since I purchased it. It is a nightmare. I don't know what to do.

If you would like to help me get my medical marijuana card for the next year, which would be really rad of you, i can receive monies via google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail. thank you. <3

What follows is more context for what is going on with me. 

The other day I went to County Behavioral Health and did an intake appointment for over an hour explaining to them the complex nature of my disability in the hopes that they would assign me a case worker to help me navigate housing, cars, bills, assistance, because I am drowning. I cannot take care of anything. The medicine I need to get by day-to-day insurance will of course not pay and I cannot use the cheapest and easiest way to use that medicine and it is insanely frustrating. I can't afford a vaporizer which works properly apparently and have gone through 6 of them because defective. Anyway, I explained the decades of developmental, cognitive and emotional disability which have made daily life almost impossible and i got a letter in the mail two days later saying that they had turned me down. I only went there to ask for help because that is where my therapist told me to go. Trying to get any sort of help here is almost impossible. I have spent over two years trying to get help with housing, help with transportation, help with medical care and no one can help me. I have despaired over and over and given up over and over and everyone is like 'why can't you get all of this welfare assistance that you seem like you would be qualified for' and i tell them that no one wants to help me and they can't believe it. almost everyone tells me that i have misunderstood or that i am not telling them what the letter really said, etc. I have been living independently for a long time and i want to keep it that way. i need help, like a lot of help, to manage my affairs at all but if i have everything set up i can do the same thing every day with assistance. i can go to work almost every day and be productive. i can still for now write and think productively. i don't want to live in an institution. i want to live in a home of my own. in an apartment. i just want to live in a safe apartment that is not dangerous for someone with my medical concerns and i can't. i want to drive a car that is safe and i can't. no matter what i do or how much energy i expend no one can help me. i am preparing myself face death. i am getting ready to die but it might take a long time. i need help so that my death can be a peaceful and well-managed one. i am sorry. this letter is lame. i hate being me. i hate living with all of this. i hate getting brain injuries weekly that i am just supposed to live with because nothing can be done otherwise. anyway i am sorry. i also have had to increase my food budget. I was eating two meals a day 5 days a week but i got sick from not eating enough. I have had to make sure I have 3 meals a day plus snacks 5 days a week. Last week I had to eat for a full seven days because I had gotten ill but I was able to resume my fasting schedule with modifications. I feel like I am being crushed from outside by some enormous pressure. Sorry this letter is stupid <3 nathaxnne