My Apartment Is (Still) Killing Me

By the spring of 2018 I had been living in motels since the summer of 2016 when my neurological symptoms and general dysfunction made living with my then-partner and stepkids no longer possible. it was a terrible decision, one we had talked about many times, and one i certainly did not want to happen as it did, suddenly and traumatically for everyone. if i could take back many days of my life i would take back that one. we all felt the need for me to leave. i couldn't be a worthwhile parent or partner. i was a burden to them as i have been a burden to every family i have been a part of because i am not and never have been a functional person in the way that you must be to earn life in our society. because i am this disabled, this injured, my life is worth less than nothing in our society. i am a negative drain. i know this and so i dread interacting with other people because if they despise me it is a drag and if they like me it means they are just going to be inevitably disappointed when they find out i am not really a person like them. i have been waiting to die for years.

when i moved in here i thought it was the answer to homelessness. the truth is that homelessness is better. every day i live here i get badly hurt. i live in the only first-floor apartment in a 1930's art deco movie theatre in central pennsylvania. this sounds like it would be a good time but it is not. i live with substantial spinal defects/injuries dating from birth and then subsequent damage. on the best days i live with a great deal of chronic pain. driving is a nightmare. walking in open space with a lot of car door slams is also horrifying. my body absorbs all significant shocks as central nervous system damage. it just used to be that i would get a migraine or experience a potentially terrifying meltdown after a sufficiently strong trigger. they are active injuries to me, ones that i don't really get better from.
in this building, i am on the same floor as several businesses, who send/receive inventory, update/remodel etc all day long. all of us are above a block-long hollow basement accessible by large steel storm doors in the front of the building as part of the sidewalk. when these doors are opened or shut it sends a tremendous shockwave through the building. if i am sitting in my office chair or going to the bathroom the shock is translated directly along my spine and into my skull.

what exactly is wrong with my spine and skull i have been trying to determine for the longest time and i have recently been totally shut out of access to medical care here in central pa so i can't get appropriate mri imaging done but that is a story for another time.

what i think is wrong with my spine/neck/skull/brain is this:

i was born at least 3 months prematurely in 1974 with substantial congenital birth defects the most glaring of which were orthopedic (bilateral hip dislocation, club foot, spinal curvature) but it soon became apparent also involved neurological defects. my baseline functionality in life was never good, not really managing home life or school, to the point where coercive institutionalization was utilized on multiple, extended occasions. by the time i was in my mid-twenties i was able to work at a library for a decade. eventually i got too sick to work and i had to go back on disability. i had made plans to go be with one of my dear exes and help her in the aftermath of a terrifying separation to her abusive husband with then-small children. right after we agreed to this, i received a complex whiplash/tbi injury at an eyehategod show of all places. i had had concussions and whiplash in the past. this one was different. i spent six months unable to get out of bed, in permanent migraine and suicidal anger. i moved to be with my ex and the kids anyway, knowing i wasn't up to the task.

within a month of my moving to be with them, i fell on the ice between the car and the curb, twisting my already twisted body on top of itself throwing my spine/neck/hips/legs into a disarray they have never recovered from nine years later. i would experience at least one more serious concussion in 2012. my body and brain's ability to absorb shock and vibration decreased to almost nothing, where it is today. i know that the bones and soft tissue in my neck and skull are now intertwined with my spine if not my brainstem. i have come to believe that the kind of very dangerous headbanging i was doing in the 2000's as a relief from dysphoria was only possible and therefore the damage i received from it was possible because i fit a lot of the symptoms of ehlers-danlos syndrome in addition to the many other issues i might have. there also seems to be a pretty high correlate of transness/asd with ehlers-danlos so although i am not a doctor this is my best working hypothesis.

The shocks and impacts from all of the businesses and my landlord going in and out would probably be unremarkable if annoying to someone who isn't me. i mean, there have been days when the table i was sitting at JUMPED because the doors were slammed so hard and i have hit myself in the face with a fork or a vaporizer more than once and i know that even a non-disabled person would get hurt that way but the daily spinal injuries which feel like someone coming up behind you when you are on the toilet and hitting you in the back of the head with a 2x4 repeatedly have taken their toll on me.

sometimes, in my own home, i have to hang onto the doorframe as my body shakes with spasticity as if in a high wind, or i vocalize involuntarily grunts and howls because my body cannot form speech. things have gotten much worse in the past year and a half and they wouldn't have if i hadn't been living here. not like this. i am filled with rage and sorrow knowing this. i live behind the mirror of severe, chronic environmentally triggered pain and injury. i have told everyone in my life about this for a year and a half and nothing changes. i am too disabled to get myself out of this situation. every day i think about killing myself. i no longer have the strength in my arms to hold a knife to guarantee much progress. i am tired of being a negative net value. i am tired of living in horrifying chronic injury that would otherwise be easily avoidable. every night i pray for death in my sleep. so far it hasn't come. i never thought this would be my life. i wonder if i was someone who really was important or who had been good enough to others like who would i have to be for this to register as an emergency, as a moral wrong. because it is me and i don't matter, i who have always been a problem, for me to get hurt so bad every day i fantasize about violent death as an anesthetic to the violent injury i experience on a daily basis, if i was a dog or a cat people would want to fix this but because i made a bad consumer choice from desperation, i can enter and then somehow never leave a living hell driving me into early dementia and death. if i was someone whose work mattered, who had been good and kind enough, maybe this wouldn't happen to them but i am not that person. i am whatever this is. i have been telling my landlord for a year and a half that this is happening. he shrug emoji's me and then gets counter-mad.

i am tired of writing like this. i am even more tired of living like this. if i had enough money i would find out how to pay someone enough money to murder me efficiently and make sure i was dead.

i write this because i don't know what else to do. i do this instead of self-harm.

i used to be able to write about different things. if you go back and read when i was writing in the weekly motels i was a better writer, a more diverse writer. i had a better vocabulary, i fashioned far more elegant sentences. i have lost all of that because of where i chose to live. as a writer, this is intolerable. i hate the person i have been reduced to. i hate the person i seem like at work. i have been permanently reduced in capacity because of this desperate consumer choice. that which is proud in me screams for a grand end. i will probably just slip away unnoticed into dementia in my fifties which is for me a fate worse than death. if i can get out of here into stable housing sufficient for a disabled person i have a chance to avoid dementia but that window is closing. this matters to me but i feel it must only matter to me. i will be someone else's problem downriver though and i will be a less big problem if i can avoid the worst neurological outcomes now. does anyone care about this besides me? i feel like my family has written me off years ago and so don't take my complaints seriously. tonight will be another night i pray for death. i hope someone who will finally do something about this is listening.

here is what i need help with today

hello since i have begun writing in my blog again out of desperation, i have had not had much success in the aim of material assistance which i would not be asking for if i didn't need it.
yesterday i was sent home from work because i was not able to get enough cbd/thc to stop the spasms prior to work. on the way home, the only nearby dispensary was out of the disposable 1:1 pen i use for emergencies and when out. so now i have to go to work again without enough medicine and once again might get sent home, having now lost the income from yesterday, putting me again in a financial hole i CANNOT GET OUT OF.

today just to function as a human being i will need:

a) 1 1/8th of cbd-dominant dry flower $60
b) 1 1/8th of thc-dominant dry flower $60
c) 1 1:1 cbd/thc disposable vape pen $40

d) gas sufficient to drive the MULTIPLE HOURS after work to get the medicine due to extreme shortage in PA, so one tank of gas $25
e) Boswellia, an anti-inflammatory for joint pain, $15 (i also need ALA and calcium citrate but i will wait until wed for those i guess)

f) food. i am out of food, so idk, $50 for food enough for two/three days. i have no kitchen, only a microwave and a dorm fridge, so everything is out of a box.

just for today, that is a total of $250. i cannot function really without this stuff. i thought i would 'just get by' yesterday but then i got sent home. my life is collapsing.

i can accept help from google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail and also paypal

this is my life driving at 60mph toward a brick wall. i won't have anything to get to the end of the year with. i am having a nervous breakdown on top of whatever else is happening.

also, because i wasn't stressed-out enough, yesterday i came out to my transphobic dad, who, after trying to seem supportive, went back to being fully transphobic even while saying he loved me unconditionally but won't affirm my gender. GREAT!!! everything is awesome

another winning day where i am the winner at winning

dear all:

i am already sorry i revived this blog. i am too sick to have a blog. i stopped it before because i was tired of writing about horrifying health and poverty related matters. i keep thinking that things can't get worse and i keep being wrong. i was sent home from work today because i ran out of medical marijuana sufficient to cover my nervous system convulsions during work which alarmed people and so i was upset and had ANOTHER work conference and sent home after having gastro convulsions in the bathroom which were sequels from today's earlier gastro convulsions which resulted in bloody stool after hours of evacuation. this was probably the result of continued carrageenan poisoning from last week. i didn't eat for four days. i couldn't sleep. everything hurt so much. i had inflammation spikes in my heart and lungs and all joints and cns in addition to gastrointestinal spikes. i tried to get 1:1 thc-cbd disposable vape because everyone is out of flower in the state after i was sent home with the last of my bank account but they were out at the dispensary so now i am using what is left to calm down my body. i have had to ration but it wasn't enough to last until wednesday when i get my disability check. on that day i will have to pay half of my entire disability check to my landlord for november's rent. on that same day i will have to purchase groceries and mmj. after that all of my disability money for the month will be gone. my paycheck will be garbage again. it is a vicious circle consuming everything. today i had florid motor and speech problems. what is funny is that when they happen i think my body is just making it up somehow and that i am lying when i describe it to others. i spent so long dissociating in my body, so depersonalized that when i try to tell people the truth it sounds to me like i am lying. every day i wish i would die. i don't have a way out of this.

i am running out of food. i am running out of mmj. without enough thc my body is going into spasms. i always focus on the cbd as an anti-inflammatory and mood stabilizer but thc is the anti-depressant, anti-spasmodic pain relief. i am so tired of being this person. i hate to ask for help so much that i would rather kill myself but then i feel like that is unacceptable so then i have to try to get enough food and medicine to live which is almost impossible. it shouldn't be. i hate involving others in my karma which is bad. if you can help with anything for the next couple of days that would be great but tbh this is not working. i don't know what else to do. i feel like a sham like a con asking for money all the time online. i am a constant emergency that will never be ok. i am the very definition of compassion fatigue. i am sick of myself so much that suicide is a daily option but i don't think that i can even kill myself mechanically anymore. i wish there was a soylent green suicide chamber with ambient waves of grain. i would gladly give myself over. if you can help or want to, i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail via google pay. if that is how paypal works (with email or with that id) then i can receive monies that way as well. i don't think i am doing anything that merits my own survival tbh

carrageenan is a killer /

 i have a carrageenan allergy. within minutes of consuming something with carrageenan the overwhelming bodily pain starts. in my skin, in my abdomen, in my neck and skull.

yesterday because amazon was out of the two main algal omega 3's i take for daily functionality, i had received a 'carrageenan-free' algal vegan omega 3 from nested naturals which had plastered testimonials and reviews from customers all over its amazon site that it DOES NOT contain carrageenan and has what appears to be customer reps affirming that it has no carrageenan so when i got home after having not enough omega three i took one and THEN read their 'other ingredients' list which DOES NOT APPEAR on the main page of their amazon item page. i am so sick with inflammation i want to die. i wanted to die three years ago the last time i took a carrageenan capsule. it took weeks for me to feel less bad but i have permanent damage from that episode just as i will have permanent damage from this one, with damage to my insulin resistance, brain, peripheral nervous system, etc. the pain is so bad. i was already fasting for two days but now i will have to extend my fast from two days to three or four. i want to die i am in so much pain. it feels like red angry plastic is leaking from my hands and feet which are swollen with edema. all of my joints hurt so bad it feels like i have the flu. i can't think or feel right. i am supposed to go to work in customer service today after leaving work yesterday because i felt so bad and then i went home and made things just this much worse because i am too stupid to live.
 

i have paid no rent this month. i need  $540 JUST FOR MY RENT
i have no medical marijuana as of today so after work i have to drive for hours to spend the
money i don't have to try to get some cbd dry flower because it suppresses inflammation. i might not have enough money to even do that.

i also now have to try and find some carrageenan-free vegan omega three before or after work.
my life is unending horror from things that shouldn't cause that.

i keep fantasizing about having enough money to hire someone to kill me and make sure i am dead.
i would do it myself but i worry i am not strong enough physically to complete the job.

i keep fantasizing about giving out my personal contact information online to people who might want to kill me. like finding nazis would would want to and asking them to kill me. i never have enough money at once to buy a gun and i worry i would screw it up like i screw up everything.

no one reads this blog. i don't matter. i am not a real person. my suffering isn't real compared to the suffering of real people with real lives and real families. i am not good enough to deserve to be a real person. god told me i wasn't allowed. that i had to be locked out of all of life. i am scared that my suicide will be just as cursed. i am alone. i hate myself.

today was really a defeat for me

hello everyone:

i spent the past week at home when not doing errands. i got very badly hurt at home several times from which i have not recovered. today i couldn't go to work or rather i went and then told them i could not complete a four-hour cashier shift so had to go home. this represents again for me a tremendous loss of income but the chronic pain in my back and my neck/spine has been so bad that i chose not to work today even though it was made clear to me that my not working was further jeopardizing an already rocky position at work because i have missed so much work this fall being sick or injured. i already cannot make ends meet which is why i am back here again talking about this online which i promised myself i wouldn't do anymore because i no longer believe in keeping myself alive really but i don't feel i could even execute myself properly anymore because i am too chronically injured to succeed so i have to find some way of staying alive. my building is the main source of chronic pain for me over the last year and a half. if you want you can read about it in prior posts. i don't have the energy to recapitulate everything. my body is falling apart. i haven't paid rent at all for november. i have to go on dangerous and long-distance drives to acquire medicine when i can afford it which is never. now my job might let me go. it is all that i have. i honestly pray for death every night. i hate begging to live. since i have re-opened this blog to beg the internet for intercession to stay alive not one person has contacted me or assisted or offered assistance. please note that i am not saying this to shame you the readers!!! no! please don't think that. we are living in a horrifying depression where we have had to socialize the costs of billionaires and their institutions. even if that were not the case i honestly don't think that i am worthy of keeping alive anymore. i just don't have any path forward. i used to be smarter than i am now. i used to be able to make things that people kind of liked some times but now i am just a burden and a waste. in the past year and a half the daily suffering has been so bad i have seriously made contingency plans for what if i could not pay rent anymore what if i could not eat what if i could not get lifesaving medicines. i would have to begin protocols of voluntary cessation of eating and drinking. i can fast for a long time in relation to food but i have not practiced really with liquids. if i had been a different person when i was younger i wouldn't be this garbage revenant. i would be someone who was really a person who had a family, a partner, a career, a home they could be proud of. instead i am failing out of being able to work at a big box store because i am too dumb to not live in a building which is killing me. i wish it would kill me faster. when i texted my elderly mother who lives across the country that i was in so much chronic pain i couldn't work today she said i should go to the emergency room. i am alone here.i just want to give up. why should i not give up in the face of all of this.


 UPDATE: I rely upon omega 3's for neuro-cognitive health. i am vegan and i no longer tolerate flaxseed oil so i have been taking algal oil omega 3's. amazon ran out of the brand i was using so i had to find another brand quickly. the one i selected, nested naturals, i selected because they claimed not to use carrageenan which i am highly allergic to, creating a runaway inflammation process in my body and brain that is extremely painful even from a very small exposure. the product i received and then took a capsule of in fact contained 'seaweed extract' which turns out to be carrageenan a fact i noticed once my hands turned bright red and began hurting. the last time i took carrageenan i almost attempted suicide because the pain was so bad. i couldn't eat for three days from the abdominal pain. i felt so bad inside my central nervous system. i cannot believe a company would expose people like me to such a severe toxin. they claim it is safe and so they have no responsibility to correct their erroneous marketing. now i will sick for days. i already missed work today and am at risk of losing my job. now tomorrow i will be expected to go to work so sick i want to die and i do not have the omega threes i desperately need. i want to die. i am cursed.

Slaylor Moon - Zone Of Pure Resistance (2019) (plus telethon rambling! great! the best!

Slaylor Moon's Zone is the kind of music i want to listen to when imagining what it must feel like to not want to get out of bed because it feels good to remain in bed when you have taken a nap at some inopportune time and now when u get up from your nap is is totally dark and cold outside and you don't want to go outside you just want to lay in bed and stare out into the darkness. it rules. these are the slow jamz i need for those days i don't die in my sleep <3 [OK so i have decided after yesterday i am going to do something different. The long rambling posts about how jacked up everything is in my life and asking for large amounts of inchoate monies to get through the next two weeks is probably not a good rational strategy. instead i will post an album i am listening to these days and/or rn and i will tell you what i need help with immediately. It is kind of like an end-of-year telethon but these aren't like BEST OF albums just the albums i am listening to and remember to record here. i don't watch movies these days. i am too hurt. instead i watch msnbc (barf) and baking shows (which i like) and listen to music. normally i would have been drawing but the nerve damage is too bad to draw. so yesterday i spent like 85 dollars at the grocery store. that represents what was the balance of my checking account after paying for one half of the rent for november which i have but still haven't gotten from the bank. i am going to do that today. as of right now i have thirty dollars to get through a week and a half until i get disability. in this week i will need like $200-$250 for pain management meds in the form of mmj, gas to get to and from work, food for the later part of the week after i initiate and complete this week's 48-hour fast which i do every week to save money and harness autophagy. i don't know if it is ultimately what i should be doing. so if you can help me with literally anything to survive the next week and a half that would be awesome because my bank balance is thirty dollars unless i want to use my rent money to survive thusly breaking my word to my landlord that i would have the rent money by friday which i now have. my finances are a tower sliding into an abyss. if you can/want to help for the next week and a half (for this month) please send monies via google pay to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com i know i have paypal i just don't remember how it works but i use the same id there and have received money from friends recently. i hate doing this. i am only doing this because i have literally exhausted all other resources after missing a bunch of work in october and november from being sick. i don't have anyone else in my life i can ask so i am asking the cosmos. if i am well enough i can produce content that people like sometimes. if i am too sick i cannot. i would rather not live under those circumstances but i cannot find a reasonable way to cease to exist intentionally in the united states today.

dear everyone hello i need some help i am sorry

i shut down this blog in april because i was tired of posting things about chronic injury and poverty, especially when i was not posting artwork or clips to music i was listening to. all i did was howl in pain and ask for help. i was hoping i would die or find a way out of my situation at home and with my car. it has been seven months. i have not managed to make anything better. i can't by myself.

since i have last been here, i switched gp's to an 'lbtq-friendly' practice. the first day i was there, they didn't listen to me and forced me to undergo a routine exam which led as i feared to head injury, a head injury i haven't recovered from almost five months on. i fought to get a social worker through my doctor group. she liked me at first but when it became clear how difficult a patient i would be she called me to fire me angrily telling me i was a waste of her time. i have been so ashamed i have not sought any health care since then and i won't. she did what she set out to do, lock me out of all health care. now i have to do everything by myself. i am living with something i have become more and more convinced is a dangerous, life-long kind of ehlers-danlos syndrome which has submerged me in severe chronic disabling pain in my spine, back, head, hips and is destroying me on a day-to-day level. i get hurt sitting at home. i get hurt driving a car. i get hurt crossing a parking lot. when i get hurt i get hurt for days, sometimes weeks. i work through the hurt as much as i can. some days i can't. some days the injuries overwhelm me and i have to go home from work. some days i cannot walk or drive home and have to sit at work not working.

i work at a retail big box store at self-checkout. i can't cashier anymore because my body can't handle it. i only work around 15-18 hours a week at 13 dollars an hour. i make approx 1150 a month in disability. outside of help begged from family and friends, that is my only income. my rent is 540 dollars a month. i now have to pay twice monthly in cash because i cannot afford to pay it at the beginning of the month. i spend like a hundred dollars a month on internet/streaming which is my only channel to the outside. i spend like 85 dollars a month on car insurance. in order to survive i rely upon medical marijuana for the intolerable constant chronic pain. it works. it doesn't get me high. it makes my life somewhat liveable with the chronic pain, but it costs $250 dollars a week when times are good. right now pa is in a dry flower drought which means i have to drive long distances in my car, getting hurt in the process to buy more expensive flower, so it is more like $300 dollars a week. i rely upon hundreds of dollars a month on anti-inflammatory supplements (otc stuff like turmeric, omega threes, etc - i have had to cut back to afford mmj but they are also necessary for day-to-day life with the tbi/inflammation/etc) i don't have a kitchen or even a sink in my apartment outside of the bathroom. i only have a dorm fridge. so i have to rely upon prepackaged foods. i fast 48 hours a week to save money and to promote autophagy but even then my food budget is like 100-150  a week. then i have to buy gas. i drive a half-hour each way to my job. my car's car engine light has been on for three months. my car needs inspection. my car needs probably like a thousand dollars in repairs and maintenance which would make it not hurt me and somewhat more driveable for a 16 year pos gm. i cannot buy new clothes or afford to go to the movies (which my body cannot handle now anymore anyway). i cannot afford to make my life better at all. i cannot afford to move or to get a new car.

part of my lifelong disabilities include emotional and cognitive, developmental disabilities. if i had to say i would probably be diagnosed on the asd spectrum had i been born not in the mid-seventies. the older i get the more it makes sense to me that i would have a complex of issues that centered around premature birth/birth defects/eds/autism/orthopedic/cns issues. unfortunately these things make my ability to communicate my very real problems to people much more difficult. i always think i am being clear and detailed and then people respond like i have said something insane or my behavior is not reasonable around issues of great personal import to me.

every day i pray to die. every day i wish i would die because i regard myself as a burden on my friends and family. i live alone. i am alone in my town. i live close-ish to my ex but increasingly i don't see her at all because i am more and more disabled. my quality of life is very poor. my only hope for the future was to get access to an apartment which didn't hurt, a car which didn't hurt, and trans-affirming healthcare finally in my mid-forties. this was the minimum for surviving this year and not only do i not have access to that, i am making less money at my job, things are more expensive, i have NO HEALTHCARE and my ability to think/write/work/drive is far more compromised than it was a year ago. i can barely move my head left or right. it hurts so much to drive i have to take days off between.

i have come back to this blog that i abandoned in despair because this fall i have asked everything i can from my friends and family. they went into money they didn't have to help me survive this far. i feel guilty about surviving at all. i don't think i deserve to survive. i don't think that what is left of me is worth keeping alive. if i had an easy way to do it there are many days i would assist suicide myself. today is not one of those days which is why i am writing something like this which i promised myself i would not write again no matter what.

i have to get by the rest of this month. i don't know how i will do that. i don't even know how much to reasonably ask for. three hundred dollars? six hundred dollars? idk. this is to make up not only missed work but also the crater of poverty. i work the maximum amount the government will allow me even though it hurts so much to do it. if i could work more i would. this puts me in a trap i cannot get out of. more money in disability every month would really help as would a higher ceiling on income. if i could reasonably have a patreon i would but i can't reliably write anymore.

anyway if you read this and you are inclined to, please help. i don't know what else to do for the last two weeks of november. i don't know what december or the new year will bring.

i need orthopedic shoes. i need an mri of my spine and brain. i need hrt. i need enough food. i need enough medicine. i need a home that doesn't hurt. i need a car that doesn't hurt. i need to not be scared and desperate every day of my life. and if i can't have that i want to be able to die with dignity as a free choice. my long-term health prospects at this point, even if i got from this point forward, everything i needed, are not good. the thought of having to go through that is demoralizing. the thought of having to go through that alone without basic resources in horrifying pain is intolerable.

i would relocate to any state with mmj and trans health care. the places where my friends and family generally live do not cover that. i think about moving back to florida some times but it no longer feels like home. i worry there is no home for me. i wish i would cease to exist in this life.

anyway, anything that you can for the next two weeks. i don't take more than i need so if i am ok i will delete this or make a large edit or new thanking post. this is the only way i have to get through the next two weeks. i am sorry to ask. i can accept help through google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail <3 nathaxnne

ghost cat 1.0