Monday, June 15, 2020
I Am Being Evicted By My Landlord One Month From Today On 07/15/2020
I am hurt. I live in chronic pain. My apartment is killing me. In one month I will be homeless. I work as much as I can with my disability. I still cannot make ends meet. I have no plan. I am being hurt right now by work being done in the business which surrounds my apartment. I have been too damaged to record and write about what has been happening. Assume more of the same. Today i am too hurt to flee so i am just being hurt more. My landlord stopped letting me know when he was working in the flower shop or opening the doors so now i am just hurt all the time. I don't have a plan. I am ready to die. I have exhausted every other option.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
Sunday, May 31, 2020
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Friday, May 29, 2020
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Monday, May 25, 2020
Monday, May 18, 2020
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Full Text Exchange Between My Landlord And Myself 05/16/20
8:05am B: I will be up today around 9-9:30am
8:37am Me: I have left please let me know when it is safe to return.
2:24pm B: Leaving now.
2:54pm Me: Thank You. I am going to formally in writing reiterate my standing request for reasonable accommodation two plus years that you kindly alert me by text before opening and closing the basement doors as if this occurs when i am in the apartment I am badly hurt every time. Thank You. I would appreciate also if you would then of course wait until i can come outside or leave my home depending. Thank You.
4:15pm: B: Sorry. I had to quick grab a tool. Any luck finding a new place to live? Your current living situation is less than ideal for you. And as I said before, you need to find a new place to live.
8:37am Me: I have left please let me know when it is safe to return.
2:24pm B: Leaving now.
2:54pm Me: Thank You. I am going to formally in writing reiterate my standing request for reasonable accommodation two plus years that you kindly alert me by text before opening and closing the basement doors as if this occurs when i am in the apartment I am badly hurt every time. Thank You. I would appreciate also if you would then of course wait until i can come outside or leave my home depending. Thank You.
4:15pm: B: Sorry. I had to quick grab a tool. Any luck finding a new place to live? Your current living situation is less than ideal for you. And as I said before, you need to find a new place to live.
Thursday, May 14, 2020
Housing Injury 05/14/20
this is going to be short. i got badly badly hurt just now. for over two years i have begged my landlord to let me know before he opens or closes the basement doors to the building. they are large iron or steel corrugated doors that are on the sidewalk of the building. my building is an old art deco movie theatre. there is really no insulation in the first floor. my apartment is the only apartment on the first floor. everything else is a business. opening or closing the basement doors is one of the most painful and damaging things i have ever experienced. when i am sitting on the toilet or in bed or in my office chair when the basement doors are opened or closed, a massive shockwave goes through the floor and into my spine. i was born three months prematurely. i have lifelong birth defects which include serious spinal and central nervous system issues. in addition to that, in 2010 i suffered a very serious whiplash tbi which i have never recovered from and in 2011, i fell in between the car and the curb, twisting my body on top of my right leg. i could not walk without crutches for almost a year. my hips, feet, knees, spine, no longer point the same way they did before. it was after this that i began experiencing the worst symptoms from shockwaves to and sudden movement of my spine and brain. it was difficult to be around people. i largely had to live in the basement of the home i was living in in minnesota by the end because a wooden house full of furniture and kids and activity with a large hollow basement also is a resonant chamber. that was nothing compared to this building. you could not build a structure more designed to damage and eventually destroy my nervous system. when the shockwave from the basement doors comes, it almost hurls me bodily from my seat, i cry out in pain, i can no longer control my body, i go into convulsions. the pain is sudden and extreme. it starts in the back of my neck and somehow INSIDE of my skull. i had thought my landlord was here because i heard and felt footsteps but he had said he was going to text me when he was coming over to do work here and like an idiot i believed him despite all of his prior behavior. so i was ignoring it as maybe the witch shop doing stuff, even when the first big wave happened i tried to roll with it, but as always, it is the second, closing impact that is the worst. in that moment who and what i am is wiped away and there is nothing. after that there is pain and inflammation. this spikes in two days but does not ever really recede. it takes weeks or months to feel better. as soon as the second wave hit and i could stand up i ran outside. i saw my landlord. he had just gotten a stove up out of the basement. he saw me. i have told him innumerable times how much this hurts, how the injuries are permanent, how i don't really recover. at first, he says he will try to remember to text but no guarantees. then he gets aggrieved that i have asked. i am living with something that almost no one has to live with. all of what is in my neck and spine feels pushed to the far left up against my skull. it isn't normal. all of the blood flow to my brain is made weird by this. i have massive cysts in my neck. i have had them for years. in addition to whatever other injuries i have, i also have a three-inch gap in leg lengths. my right leg is like three inches shorter. i haven't had orthopedic shoes in like four years and i haven't had good orthopedic shoes since before the brain injury, so my spine is misaligned already and then further by walking around. in 2018 everything got much much worse when i ran my car down a dip at the speed limit, giving myself a neck/spine injury where nothing was the same after. it was the kind of thing you know at the time is a permanent injury. then i hurt myself AGAIN immediately after in a movie theatre chair. i can't go to the movies anymore after that series of injuries. i mean, i did for years but i couldn't, it hurt too much. those were the injuries that ended my ability to draw. i keep getting hurt now. it is unreal. like while i am typing this i am getting hurt. since september 2018, my health has gone into rapid decline. the daily injuries i have been receiving driving and at home just in the normal course of things have been piling up. that is where things stood when the flower shop that surrounded my apartment decided to tear out the walk-in fridge bolted to our shared walls and floor at 8am on April 13th. That hurt more than anything ever. It went on and on. Over a month later, and construction is still happening in that space. My landlord is now the one doing it. He says he will text me when he is coming over and he says he is going to be there two or three nights a week after work for hours, so like 5-9pm say, and one weekend day, for like twenty+ hours a week. he only gives me a half hour warning if that before he comes, so i have to be ready to clear out at a moment's notice and be gone in the evening during a pandemic for hours. there are no libraries or movie theatres or coffee shops. i have nowhere to go. the one thing he was doing was letting me know so i wouldn't get hurt which was sort of working but now i am really really hurt. like i can barely type this. how can this be acceptable? how can this be ok?
i am not a doctor but just from reading stuff i would not be surprised if i had cervical cranial instability maybe with a csf leak and maybe as the result of some kind of ehlers-danlos but given my history of disability, which i am sure contains all kinds of stuff i have no idea about, i don't think that would be necessary to destabilize my skull/neck.
i have long since accepted that i might die here. i have begged friends family work ngos to take me out of here. i have told them over and over what it is doing to me. i have no quality of life here at all. it was obvious from the beginning that this was so bad it was obviously subjecting me to permanent injury or worse but my disability and lack of consistent access to sympathetic health care has made using normative channels impossible for me. when i reach out to normative channels, my behavior seems eccentric and my landlord's seems normal so my very real problems get dismissed and i get portrayed as a mentally ill crank. all i wanted was for him to text me so i could get out while he does stuff in there. it is a horrible inconvenience for me but better than potentially life-threatening injuries. he can't even be bothered to do that. how can he be responsible for people's living spaces like this?
this kind of injury, when i am in my office chair and the basement door shockwave goes through, it turns my spine into spear, jamming it up into the floor of my skull, and all of my vertebrae act like plates in a cabinet when a train goes by. i now have so much inflammation i can feel it in my face. my ears are filling with fluid and cracking. my body is swaying in my office chair like an animatronic cobra that is broken. i might vomit. i don't know how or if i will be able to go to sleep tonight or eat food for the next two days. i was already having really bad gastro stuff so not eating for two or three days sounds like a relief tbh. i can feel my body gasping and gulping like a fish dying on a dock after being hooked and reeled. i hope i die soon.
because i can never know when this is going to happen i can never feel safe. i can never relax.
he saw me and he knew he hurt me and he didn't say anything at the time or later. i didn't say anything to him. i have said all to him i have to say about this. he never listened to me.
i am not a doctor but just from reading stuff i would not be surprised if i had cervical cranial instability maybe with a csf leak and maybe as the result of some kind of ehlers-danlos but given my history of disability, which i am sure contains all kinds of stuff i have no idea about, i don't think that would be necessary to destabilize my skull/neck.
i have long since accepted that i might die here. i have begged friends family work ngos to take me out of here. i have told them over and over what it is doing to me. i have no quality of life here at all. it was obvious from the beginning that this was so bad it was obviously subjecting me to permanent injury or worse but my disability and lack of consistent access to sympathetic health care has made using normative channels impossible for me. when i reach out to normative channels, my behavior seems eccentric and my landlord's seems normal so my very real problems get dismissed and i get portrayed as a mentally ill crank. all i wanted was for him to text me so i could get out while he does stuff in there. it is a horrible inconvenience for me but better than potentially life-threatening injuries. he can't even be bothered to do that. how can he be responsible for people's living spaces like this?
this kind of injury, when i am in my office chair and the basement door shockwave goes through, it turns my spine into spear, jamming it up into the floor of my skull, and all of my vertebrae act like plates in a cabinet when a train goes by. i now have so much inflammation i can feel it in my face. my ears are filling with fluid and cracking. my body is swaying in my office chair like an animatronic cobra that is broken. i might vomit. i don't know how or if i will be able to go to sleep tonight or eat food for the next two days. i was already having really bad gastro stuff so not eating for two or three days sounds like a relief tbh. i can feel my body gasping and gulping like a fish dying on a dock after being hooked and reeled. i hope i die soon.
because i can never know when this is going to happen i can never feel safe. i can never relax.
he saw me and he knew he hurt me and he didn't say anything at the time or later. i didn't say anything to him. i have said all to him i have to say about this. he never listened to me.
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Monday, May 11, 2020
Sunday, May 10, 2020
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Friday, May 8, 2020
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Chat With Landlord Did Not Go Well
I have such a severe migraine that i can barely type let alone copy down text messages but let it be known my interaction with my landlord went really badly. I was so nervous about all of this and feeling so bad i wasn't able to sleep at all last night. I wish I had spoken to him after sleep but that is why I couldn't sleep. Great! I STILL haven't slept. The stress alone from all of this is killing me. Living here has cost me everything. I have nothing left. My landlord is asking me for $810 on Friday for half of the April rent and $540 for the full of May's rent. I no longer have a job. I am not receiving unemployment. My only income is my disability. He said that if i cannot do so, he will begin eviction proceedings against me. He told me that because I have been bothering him so much over the past three plus weeks that he is the victim in this. I laughed at him and said i would do my best to get him his blood money. He told me that everyone that he spoke to, including the lawyer i retained and the lbtq coalition i had begged for help told him that he was the real victim here and that he should block my texts and evict me. He told me to text him. What I have learned over 46 years is that i am really bad at asking for help from the straight world. By the time i ask for help, I am functionally hysterical and need emergency assistance and i cannot fill out forms and call numbers. I am in a panicked state. So even though I am literally an impoverished disabled trans woman who has lost her job and now her home because of this now-defunct business's right to conduct construction surrounding my apartment, I am the villain always. OK, thank you for all of your help, right-hand-path world. This is why your world is falling. It was erected and maintained in bad faith, in the perpetuation of the right kind of lies. Decorum is more important than reality in the straight world and if you violate that, you will pay. So great, thanks! Even once i pay my landlord half of the rent for the month i was almost killed and left with permanent central nervous system injury and the full of the rent for a month where he has announced to me he will be in the space that surrounds my apartment doing 40 hours + construction during May IN CASE A NEW SMALL BUSINESS MOVES IN. DURING A PANDEMIC. I tried to get some deal on the rent for May bc i will now have to also be out of my apartment when he will be doing the work but he indicated that was unreasonable. He only cares about maintaining to himself his status as a victimized nice guy while he also can extract sufficient suffering from me to make himself feel better. Right On. What a good dude. I have no prospects. I don't really want to survive, especially in this now even more destroyed version of myself. I have no friends or family here who can help me. I used to be friends with people at my job and now that is gone. I hope I die. What good is what is left of this? I have never been as broken as this at any point in my life. If you know me you know that is saying something. It is insane to be told one must tolerate this with a good attitude. I admit my attitude has been better in the very recent past even than it is rn. I feel like nothing I do that is any good really matters. I feel that only the negative things I do matter. I feel like trivial decisions I make that don't seem to have any obvious downside end up being holes in reality I fall through into another layer of nightmare I can never escape from. All I wanted was a safe and secure apartment so I could have my job. I could no longer afford to live in a weekly motel. So i moved here two years ago. It was opening a door to hell inside of hell. In hell there are many doors.
PS: my landlord during our discussion was reframing his beginning eviction proceedings on me as 'giving me the push' i need to leave, like he is DOING ME A FAVOR evicting me in a pandemic because i got hurt and was not ok with getting hurt and even less ok with accepting further hurt as a consequence of being in my own apartment. What A Nice Man. I am certain that when his children ask what he did during the Great Pandemic & Depression of 2020 - ? that he will regale his brood with stories of how he bravely evicted a crippled trans witch into pestilence, homelessness and poverty. Truly A Hero. A Role Model To His Community. How Proud His Family Must Be.
PS: my landlord during our discussion was reframing his beginning eviction proceedings on me as 'giving me the push' i need to leave, like he is DOING ME A FAVOR evicting me in a pandemic because i got hurt and was not ok with getting hurt and even less ok with accepting further hurt as a consequence of being in my own apartment. What A Nice Man. I am certain that when his children ask what he did during the Great Pandemic & Depression of 2020 - ? that he will regale his brood with stories of how he bravely evicted a crippled trans witch into pestilence, homelessness and poverty. Truly A Hero. A Role Model To His Community. How Proud His Family Must Be.
remember when
remember when from like the 1950's to like the 1970's everyone was super-concerned that Boomers were gonna go and get behind some death-trip narcissist wannabe rockstar charismatic cult leader pushing radical untested drug therapies whilst embracing a self-centered hedonism which is not-so-secretly a cover for a nihilism so utter it would be 'cosmic' were it not so very petty who ends up annihilating the whole world 'just because it was, like, there, man'? yeah i am so glad we avoided that!
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Day 22 So Far (Updated)
After i wrote my post for Day 21, my landlord sent me a text that he wanted to talk to me this evening. After that, something made me eat food after two days. I didn't want to but I did it anyway. If you are someone worried about me, know that i am eating food and going to attempt negotiation with my landlord. i am really not in the best shape for this and and always wish i had an earthly affairs advocate. I will make updates here if necessary.
Update: did not speak to landlord. Got hurt in the evening again. I don't know what is causing it if it is not arising from the flower shop. Some other door i think. It feels awful.
Update: did not speak to landlord. Got hurt in the evening again. I don't know what is causing it if it is not arising from the flower shop. Some other door i think. It feels awful.
Monday, May 4, 2020
Day 21
After being trapped in my home and hurt consecutively wed night, thurs, friday, saturday with a break for sunday, including some very serious injuries i will bear permanently, worsening existing health problems, i decided to get out right away today. I went to sleep at 5:30 am. I got up at 7:30. I was out of the house by nine. I was out the whole day. I went to public parks, gas stations, the pharmacy, i drove up and down highway exits. At 5:15 pm or whatever I came home and was preparing to do evening routine when people came into the flower shop banging and with voices so i ran out with my jacket and purse and without my hat. I had to drive around aimlessly until after 8pm. The good news is that i think the flower shop is finally gone. The bad news is that being in proximity to that flower shop cost me everything. It cost me my intellectual acuity, my creativity, my sense of being able to exist in my body, my health, friends, family, my job, and after all of it i no longer have a place to live, having as a neurologically-compromised autistic trans woman with severe physical disabilities and no income, to now find a new place to live. I was threatened with assault. I was threatened with prison. I was mocked for being trans as my suffering was mocked to my face. I called every number i was asked to and none of them mattered. I have a very difficult time calling phone numbers or filling out paperwork. This difficulty has helped paralyze my entire life, so you can imagine what it took to call so many people. Of course I cannot talk to them like a normal person, so I as always ruin everything even as i am reaching out desperately for help. The thought of going on after this, just after the multiple very severe neurological injuries that will make it so i can never think or feel or respond as fluidly as before, that i will never be able to hold my head up at the same angle, at least without pain, that i will be just that more likely to develop dementia or parkinsons or my existing dementia or parkinsons will get that much worse. It is hard to think that i should keep going on. I don't have anything left. I don't even have me left. I am strongly considering rigorously applying voluntary cessation of sustenance. I refuse to violently kill myself but i don't know why i should fight to stay alive in a world that wants me dead when what i am is even less than what was clearly not adequate before. most of my fan mail is like 'kys'. they are probably right. just the fucking cptsd aftershocks from this alone are messing me up. i am so tired. so so tired. i will never be again as smart, as healthy, as kind, as pretty, as hopeful, as solvent, as i was on april 13th, 2020. whatever that person could have become i will never get to be. the person that i am now forced to be i don't know if i can tbh and why should i really i mean this is what the world wants for me. i don't see it getting any better, for reals. maybe i am just a curse that should be burnt out of this world. i am in such a state of physical and psychic shock that i cannot do what obviously must be done to arrest real world collapse.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
What My Landlord Wrote Me And My Response 05/03/20
05/03/20: 10:53am: B: Did you go up front and see if they removed their stuff yesterday?
05/03/20: 3:26pm: Me: B I have not been able to leave my apartment since Wednesday night. I went out to look today when I got your text. Things have been removed and moved. The very heavy refrigerator compressor is how moved or gone. That must have been one of the very bad impacts. I was was hurt wed night, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I don't know when it occurred. The shelving unit was moved. Tiling is stacked. The ladder is moved. This activity really hurt me. It is what I spent three weeks trying to avoid. Now I am badly hurt in ways I can't get better from. As a result of what should have been a safe, noninjurious place to live. I dread what will happen when they move out the glass. I needed to not be here when I was trapped getting hurt all of last week but now I can never get that back. I am ready to die. I am tired of fighting every day to avoid injury in my own home. If it kills me I tried my best to avoid it.
05/03/20: 3/45pm: Me: No one should have to fight to stay alive in their own apartment building.
05/03/20: 3:54pm: B: I was the only one there on Thursday and I walked around taking pictures. No one was there on Friday. I'm not sure what keeps hurting you.
05/03/20: 3:26pm: Me: B I have not been able to leave my apartment since Wednesday night. I went out to look today when I got your text. Things have been removed and moved. The very heavy refrigerator compressor is how moved or gone. That must have been one of the very bad impacts. I was was hurt wed night, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I don't know when it occurred. The shelving unit was moved. Tiling is stacked. The ladder is moved. This activity really hurt me. It is what I spent three weeks trying to avoid. Now I am badly hurt in ways I can't get better from. As a result of what should have been a safe, noninjurious place to live. I dread what will happen when they move out the glass. I needed to not be here when I was trapped getting hurt all of last week but now I can never get that back. I am ready to die. I am tired of fighting every day to avoid injury in my own home. If it kills me I tried my best to avoid it.
05/03/20: 3/45pm: Me: No one should have to fight to stay alive in their own apartment building.
05/03/20: 3:54pm: B: I was the only one there on Thursday and I walked around taking pictures. No one was there on Friday. I'm not sure what keeps hurting you.
Saturday, May 2, 2020
What I Wrote My Landlord Last Night & Today And His Response
05/01/20: 8:10pm: Me: B you are right that I could not see what hurt me around 2pm because I was sitting in my office chair. What I know is that I was sitting down, I felt a wave, and the, like always, the pain exploded in my skull like being hit from behind with a claw hammer. The migraine was immediate, overwhelming, and still here.
[Note: the migraine from yesterday never went away]
05/02/20: 3:45pm: Me: B are you in there now I got hurt again today Last night the migraine didn't subside until 3am
05/02/20: 4:01pm: Me: B that was excruciating and now it will last indefinitely with no ability to eat or sleep again for days thank you so much
05/02/20: 4:16pm: Me: The pain ramps up for hours until it finally plateaus. It stays like that for a long time. It feels like my head is going to decapitate itself which would be a relief
05/02: 4:36pm: B: I was not in the florist shop or the basement at all today. Neither was the florist. Have you made any progess with finding a new place.
[Note: Not only could i feel the motion/impact of what was in there I COULD HEAR THEIR VOICES TALKING COME ON]
Me: Ok then the flower shop people were moving heavy things. Someone was just in there. B if the pain is so bad i cannot eat or sleep how am i supposed to find a new place to live
[Note: the migraine from yesterday never went away]
05/02/20: 3:45pm: Me: B are you in there now I got hurt again today Last night the migraine didn't subside until 3am
05/02/20: 4:01pm: Me: B that was excruciating and now it will last indefinitely with no ability to eat or sleep again for days thank you so much
05/02/20: 4:16pm: Me: The pain ramps up for hours until it finally plateaus. It stays like that for a long time. It feels like my head is going to decapitate itself which would be a relief
05/02: 4:36pm: B: I was not in the florist shop or the basement at all today. Neither was the florist. Have you made any progess with finding a new place.
[Note: Not only could i feel the motion/impact of what was in there I COULD HEAR THEIR VOICES TALKING COME ON]
Me: Ok then the flower shop people were moving heavy things. Someone was just in there. B if the pain is so bad i cannot eat or sleep how am i supposed to find a new place to live
Giving Up/Ready To Die
For three days i have been too sick to leave my apartment. i have been having bad gi problems. i let my landlord know about this so that he and the flower shop people would not be moving things around in there. they ignored me so for the past three days i have been trapped at home getting so badly hurt every day i cannot function at all for most of the day. after a single major impact/slam/shockwave injury it takes me over 12 hours to restore even basic functionality, like eating/sleeping/drinking. normally i just sit in my chair or hold onto the upright doorframe shaking. i try and put on the news to have some voices during the many hours and days it will take before i feel like a person again if i am allowed that. what this takes from me is not just time or well-being, it takes from me myself my very ability to be myself in myself in my home or anywhere. all it gives in return is endless pain. i spent almost three weeks subjecting myself to daily fight or flight rituals trying to avoid what ofc was my ultimate fate, being trapped here while i am slowly assaulted and killed by men who know what they are doing and indeed can hear my vocal suffering. that is my life. right on.
i am being pushed out of this efficiency by the very men who ensured i would be trapped at home and hurt over and over for years, men who think i should pay them for this privilege or at least play nice. i am the one being sacrificed. they will always think of themselves as victims, victims of having to bear witness to the suffering of others at their hands poor babies <3
i am being pushed out of this efficiency by the very men who ensured i would be trapped at home and hurt over and over for years, men who think i should pay them for this privilege or at least play nice. i am the one being sacrificed. they will always think of themselves as victims, victims of having to bear witness to the suffering of others at their hands poor babies <3
Friday, May 1, 2020
My Text Exchange With My Landlord From Today In Full Until Now (Updated To 4:26pm 05/01/20)
Me: 9:12am: I haven't been able to go look what if anything they moved out last afternoon. I have really not been feeling goodI. I will let you know if they show up.
Me: 9:33am: I have been having gastro stuff since yesterday it is limiting my mobility. I can't leave today I don't think.
Me: 1:29pm: B are you there? Here I wrote. Auto correct. If it is not you it has to be them. They are like banging on my wall with their hands and discussing drywall. I am too sick to leave my apartment. I do not want to get badly hurt right now. I can't really like even use the toilet with them walking around right behind it.
B: 2:03pm: I'm here looking at the space. I'm quietly walking around and not moving anything or doing any work. I know you texted me late last night that you felt vibrations from the space. No one was in the flower shop or basement last night or yesterday.
Me: I just got hurt. I don't know what it was. It just happened. [note: i was on the phone with my gf when i got hurt. she heard it at the moment of injury]
B: I don't know. I'm just walking around with someone who is taking pictures. You need to find a different living environment. I can not prevent people from walking around in a public storefront.
Me: 2:33pm: What hurt was not from walking around. It was from the basement door or a heavy object impact.
B: 2:54pm: There were no object impacts and the basement doors were not opened. I can say that with 100% certainty since i was there.
Me: B i was injured pretty badly by a door or some impact
B: 4:26pm: There was no impacts and I held the front door so it would not make an impact.
Have you been looking at new places?
---
I have asked my landlord for years if he would give me notice before going into the space. He assured me the other day he would. That was when he was threatening to evict me. I got hurt just now by his activity in the space. I have asked for a long time for reasonable accommodation which he pretends he wants to achieve but then gaslights me. It is horrible. I cannot hold myself upright in the office chair bc of the injury i experienced earlier but it is now really important for him to put it on the record that it didn't happen bc he is not ethical and he is scared. he wants to be able to tell himself that evicting a disabled trans woman from her home because of injuries suffered in that space somehow makes him the victim and he will find a way to do it. he will convince himself he had no other choice and it was for the best somehow. like, it was secretly better for me?
Me: 9:33am: I have been having gastro stuff since yesterday it is limiting my mobility. I can't leave today I don't think.
Me: 1:29pm: B are you there? Here I wrote. Auto correct. If it is not you it has to be them. They are like banging on my wall with their hands and discussing drywall. I am too sick to leave my apartment. I do not want to get badly hurt right now. I can't really like even use the toilet with them walking around right behind it.
B: 2:03pm: I'm here looking at the space. I'm quietly walking around and not moving anything or doing any work. I know you texted me late last night that you felt vibrations from the space. No one was in the flower shop or basement last night or yesterday.
Me: I just got hurt. I don't know what it was. It just happened. [note: i was on the phone with my gf when i got hurt. she heard it at the moment of injury]
B: I don't know. I'm just walking around with someone who is taking pictures. You need to find a different living environment. I can not prevent people from walking around in a public storefront.
Me: 2:33pm: What hurt was not from walking around. It was from the basement door or a heavy object impact.
B: 2:54pm: There were no object impacts and the basement doors were not opened. I can say that with 100% certainty since i was there.
Me: B i was injured pretty badly by a door or some impact
B: 4:26pm: There was no impacts and I held the front door so it would not make an impact.
Have you been looking at new places?
---
I have asked my landlord for years if he would give me notice before going into the space. He assured me the other day he would. That was when he was threatening to evict me. I got hurt just now by his activity in the space. I have asked for a long time for reasonable accommodation which he pretends he wants to achieve but then gaslights me. It is horrible. I cannot hold myself upright in the office chair bc of the injury i experienced earlier but it is now really important for him to put it on the record that it didn't happen bc he is not ethical and he is scared. he wants to be able to tell himself that evicting a disabled trans woman from her home because of injuries suffered in that space somehow makes him the victim and he will find a way to do it. he will convince himself he had no other choice and it was for the best somehow. like, it was secretly better for me?
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Day 17: So of course construction resumes during the flood
My landlord swore up and down the flower shop people would not be in there today. I knew either he was lying to me or they were lying to him or both. They are in there now. It is raining torrentially. it would be unsafe to drive even if i was in any condition to drive which due to the chronic pain i am absolutely not. i have spent the last 2+ weeks of my life fighting for my life to avoid this outcome. i fought and fought and fought. i knew in the end because of the curse what i did would not matter and this was always fated. if i was a better left-hand path witch i would embrace the damage, embrace the torture, embrace the collapse, and use it to fuel my death and reincarnation in a different life and body. who knows? maybe that will still happen but for now i remain as always the grumpy cat of messed-up gen x trans girl lhp witches right on or whatever <3
Post-Injury Update 4/30 am
4/30 am - i had to go to bed right away after eating. i woke up just
now. i feel so bad. i can't really move my head right. i am hoping the
am medicine helps. I am so hurt there is no way i could leave the
apartment today. There is a flood watch from now until friday afternoon.
this really hurts a lot.
every time someone comes down the stairs (my efficiency is the only first-floor apartment in otherwise commercial space) i have to stand up in order to brace myself for impact. if i am sitting in my office chair and a person misses a step or goes too hard i get badly hurt from the shockwave. this is my daily life. it has taken everything from me. now i am just going to document it because i can no longer do anything else. being 'strongly encouraged' every day to leave my apartment in a pandemic by my landlord who then shifts to talk of courts and legal proceedings and what a shame that would be etc is super-stressful when that very living space is what is depriving me of my access to my own body and mind. yeah that totally sucks. i love renting. he is telling me that if i get through this and am here in may he is asking me to accommodate him doing a 20hr. work week restoring the space surrounding my apartment so a new tenant can move in. that will be unbelievably painful and will mean limited use of my apartment during that time. like, i am for sure cursed, but this building is like definitely over a gateway to hell and also cursed on top of that lol
I expect not to be able to eat again until Friday Dinner Time at earliest. i have spasms in my abdomen and diaphragm that make eating and vocalizing extremely challenging. these last a long time.
even if this is not technically a degenerative process which i really think it is, it is functioning like a degenerative process. watching yourself go away over time through violent erasure of the physical plant of your consciousness is a fucking heavy trip. i have been doing it for decades. i am now very tired.
every time someone comes down the stairs (my efficiency is the only first-floor apartment in otherwise commercial space) i have to stand up in order to brace myself for impact. if i am sitting in my office chair and a person misses a step or goes too hard i get badly hurt from the shockwave. this is my daily life. it has taken everything from me. now i am just going to document it because i can no longer do anything else. being 'strongly encouraged' every day to leave my apartment in a pandemic by my landlord who then shifts to talk of courts and legal proceedings and what a shame that would be etc is super-stressful when that very living space is what is depriving me of my access to my own body and mind. yeah that totally sucks. i love renting. he is telling me that if i get through this and am here in may he is asking me to accommodate him doing a 20hr. work week restoring the space surrounding my apartment so a new tenant can move in. that will be unbelievably painful and will mean limited use of my apartment during that time. like, i am for sure cursed, but this building is like definitely over a gateway to hell and also cursed on top of that lol
I expect not to be able to eat again until Friday Dinner Time at earliest. i have spasms in my abdomen and diaphragm that make eating and vocalizing extremely challenging. these last a long time.
even if this is not technically a degenerative process which i really think it is, it is functioning like a degenerative process. watching yourself go away over time through violent erasure of the physical plant of your consciousness is a fucking heavy trip. i have been doing it for decades. i am now very tired.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Post-Injury Update 04/29/20
Hello. I went outside after recording the video. I couldn't see any activity. i wonder if someone went over the basement doors or lifted them up. I ate some food even though it felt really bad to eat food. I am still spasming all over. It has been hours. I just wanted to give an update. I am in so much pain.
I Just Got Badly Hurt Sitting At My Office Desk Chair After 8pm In My Own Home
Preparing Myself For Potential Violent InjuryTomorrow (Updated)
Tomorrow is Walpurgisnacht, one of the most important days of the Year. It is supposed to be the last day the flower shop occupies that space. They have had months to move out and weeks to move out the refrigerator components. I cannot be in my apartment when they move the heavy refrigerator components (glass panes, frames, compressors). I will get permanently hurt or worse. Since the first day, Monday April 13, I have been forced to make a daily choice as a disabled transgender woman to leave my apartment before 9am and stay out all day long, using public toilets and staying in public parks no matter what the weather, not having access to food or my necessary chronic pain medication. On the very first day, contractors came in at 8am without any warning to rip out the walk-in glass refrigerator bolted to my thin wall and floor across two entire rooms. ANY impact or shockwave into my floor, especially when i am in my office chair or on the toilet goes directly into my spine and skull. The pain is indescribable. It lasts for weeks. It destroys my capacity to even be myself, to take any enjoyment at all out of life, just waiting for the agony to subside, knowing i will never be the same again, never as smart, never as clever, never as happy as before the most recent environmentally-caused injury. On the day they came in, April 13, here in Central Pennsylvania, the weather was so bad i could not go outside, including an actual tornado warning. I was told to go outside by my landlord and the cops. They said i wasn't worth as much as the flower shop. So after enduring unimaginable pain for 8 hours in my apartment on April 13, I was no longer the same person. I have left EVERY DAY after that at 8 or 9 am and i have not come back until after i have visual confirmation the flower shop people have left, almost always after three. I am being forced day after day into a pandemic by a defunct flower shop. I have told this to my landlord, the business, the local police, the state police, the department of health, my (ex?) employers, my family, my friends, therapists, lgbtq organizations, health care providers, and on and on. Moreover I have been telling all of these people that for two years my living conditions in this building are causing profound life-altering continual pain. Because I am not a normal person, because I cannot seek help in a normative way and explain myself in a normative way, i have been unable to secure lasting help. I recognize it is mostly my fault. If i was less brain damaged, less autistic, less developmentally disabled, whatever, i am sure i could really explain. Of course, part of the problem has been that when i explain what is happening to me, most people have no frame of reference for this kind of pain at all, let alone how it is destroying my mind and body so utterly there will not be anything left if anything indeed is left now. People tell me i sound insane or that it is highly improbable that this is happening at all, which is SUPER FRUSTRATING when if someone slams a door in your building when you are on the toilet it feels like someone has hit you in the back of the skull with a measure of rebar at full force, sometimes lurching off of the toilet onto the floor or holding onto the doorframe, vomiting and involuntarily screaming, body in involuntary spasms. That is when someone drops something like a box of flowers behind me when i am going to the bathroom. What happened when they installed (two years ago) and then removed (april 13-?) the flower shop infrastructure is far beyond that.
For days we have known that it may flood Thursday April 30 and Friday May 1. There is a Severe Warning. I will not be able to get out of my home tomorrow in torrential rain. I am terrified I am going to get hurt or killed. My landlord gave me ONE night at a motel in the form of $120 off the rent which was nice but i have not had the use of my apartment for over half of this month and may have lost my job when i went in to BEG FOR THEIR HELP. Because i did not beg in the right way and because i was visibly upset and left upset, they now will not return my email or phone calls. I have had this job for 2.5 years. Without it I cannot afford my rent or medicine. I will die. I only wanted their help in an extreme situation. My landlord after i told him i was scared that i am going to unavoidably suffer injury or worse for the second time in a month from the adjacent tenants, reminded me I owe him $420 rent for a month where i could not use my apartment. Thanks. That is amazing.
The flower shop will not communicate with me. Their number no longer exists. They will not communicate with my landlord. I HIRED AN ATTORNEY to help me with the flower shop but he just talked to my landlord, told me that my landlord was a good dude and i should just do whatever he wants, despite the fact that representatives of the flower shop have mocked me to my face for being trans and later called the cops on me because they said they didn't have to speak to me. Because i am getting injured in my own home and i have been unable to prevent it I have lost what little I had left.
This world runs on the appearance of care without actual care. You are not allowed to say this. You are not allowed to say that a flowchart algorithm that sends you from one person to another with a sheet of helpful numbers to call with every number leading to another number, when i have no ongoing access to health care, safe housing, therapy, and now any income to live.
I should have died a long time ago. I should not be alive now. I wish I wasn't. Every night I pray to die. Every morning I am furious when I wake up.
I am going to post the self-portraits i took while i was being injured on April the 13th and its immediate aftermath. These are ugly and i risk them being repurposed into someone's avatar on 4chan but I accept this because i want you to see what it did to me and what i am scared about happening tomorrow. I can't believe I am being asked to PAY THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! OMFG!!! If this happens to me tomorrow, i will be hurt or worse at home, forcing me to drive in flood conditions in a pandemic for hours and hours. This also poses a real risk to my safety and continued existence. Additionally i am scared that if i have to go through the amount of acute pain i went through on April 13/14 again i will respond with older techniques for controlling severe pain, including self-injury as a distraction. I am not threatening anything i am just scared. i will have to publish the photos separately as an appendix? why gmail?d
UPDATE: my landlord spoke to me and said he didn't THINK the flower shop would be there tomorrow. He tried to say that their removing the refrigerator will not hurt me because 'it won't be noisy'. He knows that isn't true. He is trying to make a deal with them to just be done. I do appreciate that. On the other hand, he is now threatening me with eviction and said that he has considered it every month for 6-8 months. He is doing this to hold this over my head. He says he 'doesn't want' me to become homeless like it isn't his decision. Right On, Dude. He wanted me to pay $420 for april rent when i got hurt worse than at any other time in my life due to his tenant which surrounds me and did not have use of the apartment for over half the month. I told him i would pay him half. He got upset and said it was nonnegotiable. I told him to go ahead and begin eviction proceedings. He then said he would give me half rent for april if i paid in full may rent the first week in may. I said i would think about it. I have lost my job. I can't afford anywhere to live. I don't know if or how i can receive unemployment.
I no longer have anything left to offer this world. I wish i would just die. I now have had to ask friends for help again with rent. When I could write and make art I was worth something maybe. Now it would be better if i just died.
For days we have known that it may flood Thursday April 30 and Friday May 1. There is a Severe Warning. I will not be able to get out of my home tomorrow in torrential rain. I am terrified I am going to get hurt or killed. My landlord gave me ONE night at a motel in the form of $120 off the rent which was nice but i have not had the use of my apartment for over half of this month and may have lost my job when i went in to BEG FOR THEIR HELP. Because i did not beg in the right way and because i was visibly upset and left upset, they now will not return my email or phone calls. I have had this job for 2.5 years. Without it I cannot afford my rent or medicine. I will die. I only wanted their help in an extreme situation. My landlord after i told him i was scared that i am going to unavoidably suffer injury or worse for the second time in a month from the adjacent tenants, reminded me I owe him $420 rent for a month where i could not use my apartment. Thanks. That is amazing.
The flower shop will not communicate with me. Their number no longer exists. They will not communicate with my landlord. I HIRED AN ATTORNEY to help me with the flower shop but he just talked to my landlord, told me that my landlord was a good dude and i should just do whatever he wants, despite the fact that representatives of the flower shop have mocked me to my face for being trans and later called the cops on me because they said they didn't have to speak to me. Because i am getting injured in my own home and i have been unable to prevent it I have lost what little I had left.
This world runs on the appearance of care without actual care. You are not allowed to say this. You are not allowed to say that a flowchart algorithm that sends you from one person to another with a sheet of helpful numbers to call with every number leading to another number, when i have no ongoing access to health care, safe housing, therapy, and now any income to live.
I should have died a long time ago. I should not be alive now. I wish I wasn't. Every night I pray to die. Every morning I am furious when I wake up.
I am going to post the self-portraits i took while i was being injured on April the 13th and its immediate aftermath. These are ugly and i risk them being repurposed into someone's avatar on 4chan but I accept this because i want you to see what it did to me and what i am scared about happening tomorrow. I can't believe I am being asked to PAY THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! OMFG!!! If this happens to me tomorrow, i will be hurt or worse at home, forcing me to drive in flood conditions in a pandemic for hours and hours. This also poses a real risk to my safety and continued existence. Additionally i am scared that if i have to go through the amount of acute pain i went through on April 13/14 again i will respond with older techniques for controlling severe pain, including self-injury as a distraction. I am not threatening anything i am just scared. i will have to publish the photos separately as an appendix? why gmail?d
UPDATE: my landlord spoke to me and said he didn't THINK the flower shop would be there tomorrow. He tried to say that their removing the refrigerator will not hurt me because 'it won't be noisy'. He knows that isn't true. He is trying to make a deal with them to just be done. I do appreciate that. On the other hand, he is now threatening me with eviction and said that he has considered it every month for 6-8 months. He is doing this to hold this over my head. He says he 'doesn't want' me to become homeless like it isn't his decision. Right On, Dude. He wanted me to pay $420 for april rent when i got hurt worse than at any other time in my life due to his tenant which surrounds me and did not have use of the apartment for over half the month. I told him i would pay him half. He got upset and said it was nonnegotiable. I told him to go ahead and begin eviction proceedings. He then said he would give me half rent for april if i paid in full may rent the first week in may. I said i would think about it. I have lost my job. I can't afford anywhere to live. I don't know if or how i can receive unemployment.
I no longer have anything left to offer this world. I wish i would just die. I now have had to ask friends for help again with rent. When I could write and make art I was worth something maybe. Now it would be better if i just died.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Monday, April 27, 2020
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Friday, April 24, 2020
ask not
ask not where she is
she is burning in the black flame
she hears her name from very very far
and cannot yet cry out in return
she is burning in the black flame
it is her only true home
she is burning in the black flame
she hears her name from very very far
and cannot yet cry out in return
she is burning in the black flame
it is her only true home
Make The King's Body Greater Again
One of the really fascinating things about watching fascism in action
is that fascism has like two primary modes: a) death-trip annihilation
and b) torpid senescence. Both modalities are accounted for in the
language of strength and health plunging toward the void. the only
remaining questions are timeframe and affect. Commitment to the regime
and the regime's shifting ideology must be demonstrated to be more
important than life itself. Anything which connects to reality, to a
series of causal relations occuring outside of the desire and will of
the regime is deadly to the regime's capacity to be total-spectrum
real-real. Totalitarian regimes don't need to have 24/7 control of
movement/action as long as they have roughly 40% of a population's
active consent who are super into that kind of closed-reality loop which
awakens childhood feelings of parental absolutism, the more arbitrary
the better. it doesn't matter if the father or husband is abusive, so
much the better. In the end, reality will always disappoint a
totalitarian movement. if one can defeat one's enemies fast enough and
get left alone to drift in obscurity, you can have a kind of
museum-preserved great-again for decades where everything is imbued with
a stifling, necromaniac choke out indefinitely but the more likely
outcome is climactic annihilation driven by coterminous regime
narratives which rely upon stark confrontation with a series of
interlocking external and internal enemies which are somehow both
multifarious and unified.
A Pandemic offers a fascist wizard a lot to work with if said fascist wizard is unconcerned with ultimate outcome or happy to accommodate utter annihilation, believing themselves always immune or indifferent. A total collapse and partial remaking of entire civilizations could be effected and to what end? To summon hell to earth? To allow for final winners and losers etched into infinity?
We Are So Strong We Do Not Require Life To Live
Who lives and who dies is a favorite game of tyrants.
Don't believe those who tell you the tyrant is failing.
Failing at what? doing what they were never going to do?
Getting courtiers to claim absurd things in public for the amusement of the tyrant is another favorite thing, the greater the absurdity the better. If having to abase themselves before the tyrant destroys them so the better. This proves the power of the tyrant. The tyrant can determine the personhood of a subject with the turn of a thumb. Destruction of even relatively loyal footsoldiers for relatively minor infractions inconsistently in front of the others improves the tyrant's ability to impose their will reflexively.
What the tyrant is doing is training the nervous systems of others to be extensions of their own nervous system. If they flinch, everyone around them flinches. If they roar, everyone roars. It is a form of possession, a form of imposition, an expansion of the king's body into the body of the populace as a slowly spreading virus from the top of the pyramid down. This is a very old form of magick. It is regarded with distaste by the leet at their peril because it works. at full bore it is almost unstoppable. eventually even this will exhaust itself but it can take a long time, the more so because many who are annexed by the king into the greater body like it and miss it when it is gone and resent its loss. I believe because it is absurd etc. snake oil isn't just a panacea to calm nerves, it is also a test of faith.
A Pandemic offers a fascist wizard a lot to work with if said fascist wizard is unconcerned with ultimate outcome or happy to accommodate utter annihilation, believing themselves always immune or indifferent. A total collapse and partial remaking of entire civilizations could be effected and to what end? To summon hell to earth? To allow for final winners and losers etched into infinity?
We Are So Strong We Do Not Require Life To Live
We Are So Powerful We Do Not Require Discernment
We Are So Just We Will Mean More Dead Than Alive
We Are So Just We Will Mean More Dead Than Alive
Who lives and who dies is a favorite game of tyrants.
Don't believe those who tell you the tyrant is failing.
Failing at what? doing what they were never going to do?
Getting courtiers to claim absurd things in public for the amusement of the tyrant is another favorite thing, the greater the absurdity the better. If having to abase themselves before the tyrant destroys them so the better. This proves the power of the tyrant. The tyrant can determine the personhood of a subject with the turn of a thumb. Destruction of even relatively loyal footsoldiers for relatively minor infractions inconsistently in front of the others improves the tyrant's ability to impose their will reflexively.
What the tyrant is doing is training the nervous systems of others to be extensions of their own nervous system. If they flinch, everyone around them flinches. If they roar, everyone roars. It is a form of possession, a form of imposition, an expansion of the king's body into the body of the populace as a slowly spreading virus from the top of the pyramid down. This is a very old form of magick. It is regarded with distaste by the leet at their peril because it works. at full bore it is almost unstoppable. eventually even this will exhaust itself but it can take a long time, the more so because many who are annexed by the king into the greater body like it and miss it when it is gone and resent its loss. I believe because it is absurd etc. snake oil isn't just a panacea to calm nerves, it is also a test of faith.
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i began wearing skirts and dresses in the early nineties to alleviate gender dysphoria. i felt so much calmer, so much more myself. i wasn't rebelling. i wasn't drawing attention to the artificiality of clothing. these are, however, the ways in which even i was invited to read my own actions.
life would have been a lot easier if i was a man in a dress. i tried to be just that for so long. in the 00's i tried to be a man who used to wear dresses. that was the worst. i would tell people wistfully about when i wore dresses and skirts, not ever imagining i could still do it, that i could have kept going to work, that i could have been seen by others as a woman.
i am not someone who is aspiring to be a woman. i know i am a woman because i am someone who tried very very hard not to be one for a long long time.
also, you know what sucks about being a little trans girl in the seventies/eighties? M.A.S.H. reruns. talk about internalized transphobia. i thought of that all the time as a kid when i thought about putting on a dress. that i would be read that way. seen as a man in a dress. i knew i wasn't so it kept me from it.