Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Aetheric Dissolution. Waiting To Be Reborn. Incarnation Slowly Destroyed Is The Process Of Incarnation. What Remains. What Never Came To Be. What Haunts Just Beyond The Limits Of Sight.
Let the mountain fall on you it won't hurt or the hurt you feel will feel right in all the right ways and leave you with nothing you do not want to be left with <3
Yoko <3 <3 <3 (I love this song. It makes me feel better because there were songs after this song)
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Today has been one of the worst days of my entire life. Due to poverty I didn't take the car into a mechanic earlier this week when a check engine light began flashing and and oil light began flickering. Because I am so poor and so stupid today when I went to the grocery store the car began shuddering and smoking on the highway and then died in the grocery store parking lot. It got towed, leaving a pool of oil where it had been in the middle of the parking lot. The mechanic it was towed to verified that the engine was destroyed and it would cost $2000 to replace the engine. While I was at the mechanic for many many hours I broke the zipper on my only winter coat. This past week my big box store cashier job decided to hire me permanently but now I am going to lose that job. It is over an hour away each way by highway. I am staying at a weekly motel by the highway. I am supposed to work tomorrow evening and then the following day in the morning. I am going to lose my job because now I have no car. I cannot afford to get a new car nor can I afford to get a new engine. Even if I could afford these things I would still lose my job because what my job cares about is me getting there which I can no longer do. I am honestly considering killing myself tonight with whatever means I have at hand. I cannot do this anymore. Someone who was supposed to be alive these things would not happen to. I would not be such a failure at everything that I was completely alone in a motel hours from anyone I know without even walking access to food and medicine. I honestly don't know what to do. Since I have been 7 years old God has been telling me to kill myself because that is what will make the world better. Always I go on not killing myself but I feel like that has been a mistake. Whenever things look like they might be tenable something catastrophic happens which leads to terrible outcome. Most of these things are my fault. I am too stupid to live. Especially with a brain injury on top of existing developmental disabilities. I should listen to God and kill myself I know I should. That is what They want. The world would be a better place with me not in it. I am tired of being homeless and alone. I feel like at least if I killed myself I might be able to see my cat again but she won't be in hell probably where I will be forever and ever. I will probably delete this post unless I delete myself first. I hate myself and I want to die.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
I love Akercocke so much! They are one of my favorite prog-goth-death-thrash-death bands ever and I am so happy their new album rules as hard as it does! Their first in a decade! Right On! <3 <3 <3