Thursday, October 19, 2017

Dear Readers II

Dear Readers Of This Blog: I wanted to give an update given the precarious situation outlined in my last blog post. This blog was supposed to be about music and art and not about homelessness and poverty and dispossession. Because of kindness shown to me by many people (which I am eternally grateful for), since last month I have managed to stay in the weekly motel I am staying in a few weeks longer but I am once again facing homelessness. I had to cancel an apartment showing because I do not have enough income or money to put down a first/last/security. I applied for and received a conditional offer to work seasonally at a big box store. Because I am on SSDI, the hours I can work are limited and the job is only for a couple of months but it is better than nothing. I had an interview a week ago and have not yet heard back from them. The job would be an hour away by highway. I haven't worked since 2009. I am terrified but have no other options. As of tonight I am once again facing homelessness starting tomorrow. I hate going through this every month. I spent money that I could have used on rent for this week on food as well as the supplements necessary to treat permanent brain injury because all I had to eat for a week was bread and peanut butter and I ran out of peanut butter. The battery of supplements I take are necessary for me to be able to have a modicum of cognitive fluidity and plasticity. Honestly I wish I would just die in my sleep tonight rather than have to face this over and over again. My self-worth is less than nothing. My mental health has been garbage for years. Living with physical and neurological disability has made my life marginal. Any poor decisions I have made count forever. Any good that I have done in life has not counted hardly at all. In midlife when most of the people that I know have stable homes and jobs I am reduced to begging for help because what I have to offer this world is not valuable enough. I honestly wish I could cease to exist and that everyone who has ever known me would lose their recollection of me or that I could never have been born to begin with. I am sorry this post is so despairing. I have been homeless for 15 months. I have failed so badly at life that this is what it comes to again and again. I know that if I could have a place to live with no natural gas (or right on a highway or contaminated with pesticides, etc) that I could afford (which is like at most like $500 rather than the $1000 I am paying now) and that I could have a part-time job to cover additional costs not covered by the pittance I receive from the government and what little help I receive from my family I could stabilize my life. That this has never happened must be my fault. At this point I am so desperate I would be willing to relocate in order to accept housing and employment, especially if it meant being able to move to a place where marijuana would be legal for medical use. I have been waiting for years. I don't know how I would manage that as I don't even have enough resources to avoid homelessness here. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to update my last post. Correspondence, etc (if desired) can be left in comments here or directed to numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. <3 nathaxnne

Friday, September 15, 2017

Dear Readers

Dear Readers: I don't know who might be reading this blog at present but I am in a situation in which although I have stable housing (presumably) until the end of this month, because of the expense of housing costs at this weekly motel I now do not have any money for food, medicine (including asthma medicine), water, or gasoline to acquire those things. My car really needs an oil change as I am about 1500 miles over the limit. I am loath to ask for assistance and am in fact ashamed to do so, but any contribution would be appreciated. This is not a scam. I rely upon disability from the federal government which amounts to (I think?) 60% of what I was making in 2009 when I was making $14 dollars an hour or so. There has been no appreciable cost of living increase since then and I am also paying for Medicare and Medicare Part D. I have tried desperately to acquire real housing and a job of some sort even though I have grave concerns about my ability to work, so far to no avail. I have been semi-homeless for 14 months. I have attempted to get housing assistance, food assistance, etc, and nothing has ever come of it. I receive limited help from one of my parents which amounts to half of my housing cost. I make up the rest of it, but I rely upon supplements to treat permanent brain injury for which there is no other effective legal medicine. At this point I fast 48 hours out of every week to help cut down on food costs as well as for potential neurological benefits. I feel like I am doing something wrong by writing this. I apologize. I would much rather be helping others than asking for help for myself. I don't really think that if I was supposed to be it would be like this but nonetheless I still am despite my wishes. I am set up with a google wallet account. My gmail dot com at is numbatwombat21. I appreciate your even reading this and I apologize. <3 nathaxnne PS I will delete this post either out of shame or when the need is no longer present. Thank You For Your Kindness. PPS - I do not use nicotine, alcohol, opiates or any illegal drugs. I (sadly) do not live in a state where medical or recreational marijuana is available. I just wanted to say that. I spend my time watching movies and I can't even afford to go see a movie in the theatre. I am not asking for help with anything like the above. That would not be ethical.

John Carpenter - 'Christine' from John Carpenter Anthology: Movie Themes (2017)

If John Carpenter wanted to give me a lift in Christine I would hesitate not at all. <3 <3 <3

Saturday, August 12, 2017

An Open Letter To White America After The Events Of Charlottesville

Dear White America:

Today does indeed represent a turning point in American History. You can decide to cling to a pathetic, fragile dying ideology of assumed superiority which has no conceptual basis other than to pretend to ensure the survival of something that doesn't exist and has never existed, or you can decide to abandon passivity, anxiety masquerading as comfort, comfort masquerading as anxiety, all your fear and hatred in order to join with the rest of the world in the common task of how to live together, to celebrate differences, to learn and grow beyond what we thought we were. White Ideologues are right to be afraid of their own obsolescence. They are right to be afraid that the world is passing them by and won't miss them when they are gone. Their cherished ideals of a fictional White Civilization mean nothing to anyone but them and all it means to them is a desperate effort at convincing themselves they have greater inherent worth than they do. These ideals are built on a complex of lies that have always been known to be lies uttered to justify the evils of slavery, of genocide, of apartheid, of holy war, of rape and murder and suppression of others. White Civilization is this flea-bitten grab-bag of pseudoscience, debased scripture and decontextualized statements from your failed leaders: a centuries-long incoherent muttering propped up by mob violence, wars of choice, extractionist necronomies and the propaganda that leaks from them like old motor oil. You can stand with this if you want. It won't matter though. You aren't being replaced, you are fading away, and no one will ever need to replace you. Your sense of superiority has nothing to do with historical, cultural or biological reality. If you choose to give it up, to let go of your superiority, you will find beautiful things within yourself and others that you never knew were there. If you let go of your blindness and willful ignorance and decide to learn and to grow as a person, you will be rewarded tenthousandfold. Rather than fighting to secure a homeland for White America, you could could be ensuring the possibility of a future for whatever children will come to live on that land you were convinced was yours, a peaceful, kind, loving home with enough food and water and shelter, free of unnecessary illness and poverty, a home made of diverse biomes, full of nonhuman species to live with, with a rich cultural legacy composed of what all humans have made. This is a real option. This can be the future that we choose as much as we are capable of choosing anything. These children are ours, all of ours. Whatever future comes is ours as well. We can work together to make a better place than the one we have always known. America was never White. America was never Great. America was never Male. America was never Cishet. America was never Christian. The glorious past that you want to restore never was. It cannot be anyone's future.

In Love, Hope & Charity,


Saturday, July 29, 2017

solar fissure 2

Execration - Odes Of The Occult (2011)

I could not be happier to be alive in this decade whose reigning sound has been a ritual psychedelic bludgeoning death. I never tire. My friend alien brian turned me onto Execration and for this I am most pleased! <3

Leatherface Red-Band Trailer (2017)

My most anticipated movie of 2017. Inside is an all-time favorite. I cannot wait. <3