Appeal Before Storm (UPDATED afternoon 1/17/20)

 UPDATE: I have managed to get enough resources to survive for being snowed in until Monday at least i hope so!!! some of this is reliant upon mail being able to get here on saturday and sunday which??? i hate asking people to do this but i will be without truly necessary medicine not available locally. everything else i picked up for a few days. i have medicine/food/water. i didn't get gas or my tires filled up but i did ok otherwise i hope. tysm to everyone who helped and if you couldn't it is ok. at this point i won't be able to leave the house until at least sunday but i should be alright for a few days <3 <3 <3 nathaxnne



Hello! my name is nathaxnne walker. i am a disabled trans woman. i live alone. i get 2/3rds of what i made in 2009 in federal disability. the only other income i receive is from my retail job where i can only work like a max of 18 hours a week. after taxes that isn't much. my apartment is not really a liveable space. my car requires so much maintenance to keep going i don't know what to do. i can't even begin to think about those larger problems. i have not great executive functioning or sensory processing but i do ok enough to survive independently given enough resources but i am inefficient.

there is a snow storm coming on saturday. i had to give up another shift because of this storm. i live a half-hour away by highway from my job because that is where i can afford to live. i cannot park next to my apartment. i have to walk blocks to get to and from my car. this effectively strands me in bad weather. i am looking at being trapped in my apartment for days. in addition to all the neurological stuff i also have serious orthopedic mobility issues. i have fallen on ice before and never really recovered. the last time it happened i was off of my feet for 8 months. then i had a partner to help. now i live alone.

i am totally freaking out. it is the middle of the night. in less than one day i have to get food and water and coffee and medicine for days and days. i have one meal. i have nowhere near enough medicine to last through the day on saturday let alone a multi-day weather event.

i live with severe chronic pain, both endemic and environmentally triggered. the only thing that has ever really helped is medical marijuana and tons of anti-inflammatories. when i try and go off of one of them or cut back any more than i already have i get too sick to function at all which means i can't go to my job or even properly communicate with other people.

i went off here and rambled due to anxiety but then deleted it. i need help today getting food, water, medicine, gas. i am asking here online because i have asked everyone else in my life whom i could ask, most of whom have already helped to whatever extent they could. living under this degree of continuous crushing poverty should not be how disabled people live. we should be able to be autonomous, in decent housing, with health care suited to our needs. it is a world i do not think i will live to see.

please if you can help me i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com through paypal or google pay. i will prioritize medicine for chronic pain over food but i would really like to have food and water also. thank you for reading. if you cannot help please know i understand. we are a decade into a horrifying depression that we the people have been asked to bear for the super wealthy.

<3 nathaxnne

Immediate Assistance Requested Before Snow Storm

Hello. As of today I have ten dollars in my account for a week. I am running out of food, drinkable water, medicine, mmj, gas. There is a snow storm apparently coming on saturday which could bring 3-5 inches of snow, effectively trapping me in my house, stranding me blocks from my car, potentially preventing my ability to get out of the house at all let alone go to work. inclement weather has already prevented me from working this month. i work part-time. if i lose hours i lose income. my family helps monthly but they have let me know they have to reduce how much they help starting in march. i am at a precipice. please help if you can. i don't know what else to say. thank you if you can help. thank you if you can't and you read this. i can receive money by google pay or paypal at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com. I need whomever reads this to know that i am doing my absolute best in trying to fight to stay alive. I wouldn't be asking for help if i didn't want to live. I just don't know how i am supposed to survive these conditions. Thank You <3 nathaxnne

Hate Myself So Much RN

It is important that you know that i am not going to hurt myself right now but i really want to. I have been at home a lot this week because i was only able to get 13 hours of work this week which went down to 11 hours of work after i had to go home early last sunday to avoid a devastating snow storm. my last paycheck was like $350 and it went away as soon as i got it. i have half of the now more expensive rent (due to a permanently factored-in 5% late fee) done for the first half of the month of january but i have nothing now for ten days until my next insufficient paycheck. i have 10-15 dollars until not this friday but the friday next. i want to just die. i need hrt, food, gas, medicine, medical marijuana. right now i am suicidal in part because i have been having to ration my medical marijuana while i am at home which means not enough to get symptom relief. i am desperate all the time. i write these things and i know people can't respond to them. the emergency detailed by each one holds over until the next one of these you read or not.  if i could kill myself right now i would. i don't want to have to beg for money online that will never come. the person i am is not worth keeping alive but i wish i could just go rather than having to hang on for years and years in this stupid twilight of chronic pain and loneliness. i hate my fucking self. anyway if you would like to help me get through the next stupid week i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com through google pay or paypal. i took this url off of my letterboxd bc i didn't want my art to be seen as a funnel for pleas to help some stupid old broken disabled trans lady who was too dumb to be a good enough person to have a partner or a family to take care of her now that she is old and broken and useless. i hate myself. in the middle of the night tonight i had to go out to get gas and drop off due dvds to the library bc i couldn't afford the late fines. now i haven't eaten or showered. it is midnight. all day when i am home i try to wait for the businesses in the commercial space in which i live to leave because when they are here and moving around i am getting hurt. hurt by doors slammed. hurt by heavy items dropped on the shared hollow floor impacts that go into my back/spine/neck, triggering seizure-like instances that last sometimes for hours, chronic migraines, problems with speech/though/motion. i am convinced i have a cerebro-spinal fluid leak along with everything else but i no longer have a doctor. i don't have a therapist. i don't have a mechanic. my car is in desperate need of immediate mechanical attention i will never be able to afford. i will have been in this situation now for two years going on this spring and it is breaking me. i don't know how to get out of it. i work the maximum amount federal disability law will allow me even though it hurts so much i can't do it some days and i have to go home or call out, further depressing my income into a vicious cycle. i am weeping now and i am supposed to like get ready for fucking work tomorrow when all i want to do is finally eat some dinner and watch a movie. it is like midnight. i hate myself so much all the time. being disabled is inefficient. it is expensive. you cannot make good choices. you have to make immediately available choices, which end up being dumb or redundant or expensive. you have to make too many trips or just go without. everything i end up doing is wrong because there aren't enough resources to just take care of basic things. i am having trouble going on

Lingua Ignota Live Basilica Hudson 2019

OMFG <3 i can't even

Doja Cat - 'Bottom Bitch' from Hot Pink (2019)

my most beloved song of 2019 <3

Slayer - 'War Ensemble' Live 1991

Nina Simone - 'Isn't It A Pity' from Emergency Ward! (1972)

First Aid Kit - 'Rebel Heart' from Ruins (2018)

Help In The New Year

Dear Friends And Readers: I had posted and then deleted a long plea for assistance like a week or two ago. I am so tired I cannot even cognitively put together a plea for help that makes sense so because i deleted that i am now in really bad trouble. i have two immediate needs which i cannot take care of: a) first my rent, which is due in two days, $600. my landlord was accepting my paying in installments twice a month but because of poverty i slipped into paying twice a month in the second half of the month so he is now applying a late fee, hence the $600 rather than the earlier amount. also i need to get my medicine for the next week which today i can get by with $200. i could write something longer. i am in very bad pain and i had to drive hours to get my medicine until i looked at my bank account and now i realize i cannot even do that. i am exhausted and sick and sad. i am in so much pain every day and i cannot make ends meet. i work as hard as i can at my retail job. i have gotten sick so many times this fall/winter i might be fired. this also has meant an accumulation of falling behind with money and bills. what money i do have has to go to pain relief and gas so i can get to work and work. everything else is secondary but that ends up being rent/food/medical bills. i am always behind but then when i get sick like i have i am wiped out. now i have to come up with almost a thousand dollars. i hate asking for it. i wish i would either have enough to take care of myself or that i would perish. i can receive help please! if you can at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com!!! even if i can't pay the whole of the rent i can come up with half earlier! that would help!!! so even if i could get like $300 for that and $200 for mmj plus some for food/gas? please! i should have left up my earlier plea but i was so upset at my landlord that i was upset in writing and then i got scared so i deleted it. now i am in real trouble. <3 sorry to be like this i wish i had a life where i had a home and a car and enough food and medicine so i oculd just write. that is all i have wanted to do but it seems impossible PS: i underestimate my food budget all the time bc i don't value it but i was able to get half of what i needed for my mmj today but i will need a lot of help with rent/food/gas/ in the next week, like actually today/tomorrow so i can keep getting food. sorry i am getting hurt while writing