:( :( :(

i had such severe anxiety about buying a used car let alone getting a loan from a family member, something i desperately wanted to avoid and then having it for one day and then the cabin flooding from extreme weather is a worst-case scenario for me. i will never be ok after this. i cannot keep this car. i will never feel safe in it. it was a car which i did feel safe in. i am having such a bad time. i don't think i can get over this. i just want my life to end.

:( :(

I don't want to live anymore with a brain injury. I have tried to cope with it for 8 years. In that time it has cost me everything and more. I am not and cannot be a person. I struggled to be a person before my brain injury. Now it is impossible. I have to accept that because I am the thing that makes the decisions that I am the cause of all of the problems. As long as this thing is, nothing can be good. I am too dumb to live, a wretched, squalling thing.

:(

i wanted this to be a celebratory post. two days ago i arranged to get a 2003 Pontiac Vibe with 90,000 miles on it clean inside with two owners runs great etc through a $5800 loan over 4 years at 10% interest through my mom which was really nice of her  and i was so proud of my car and i loved it and i was worried about picking it up because of the torrential rains and flash floods but i got it two days ago and then last night my new car flooded because there was so much rain it overwhelmed the HVAC drainage and flooded the cabin and might have gotten up from below. now i am completely bereft. i am not asking for anything. i just want to die. i hate myself. i hate being this thing. i am so awful at being alive. i am the curse. i am what is wrong.

dresses from today

these are the only dresses i have yet acquired that i am entirely happy with but i think i may have gotten them each in a size too large. i want to dress like Violet from F13V and these reminded me of that mid-eighties goth/psych/industrial nexus? i don't have a closet or a wardrobe or a full-length mirror or i would have a photo of me wearing these. the last dress i bought i didn't like at all but these are pretty cool. <3

Mutilation Rites - Chasm (2018)

I am digging the new Mutilation Rites album's ability to take deaththrash riffs and plug them into a black metal song structure. When everything aligns it locks in and becomes super hypnotic which is very rad. <3

Pig Destroyer - 'Army Of Cops' from Head Cage (2018)

thats the anthem. this is the song i needed to hear right now today. nu=pxdx is the best damn thing ever. groove metal 4 life. <3 <3 <3

Neckbeard Deathcamp - White Nationalism Is For Basement Dwelling Losers (2018)

i gotta say this owns in a viscerally satisfying way. make sure to read the lyrics. <3 nathaxnne ps: thnx to kim kelly's online for rec! <3

Girl Werewolf - classical exorcisms (2018)

OK so I am like BEYOND EXCITED to be able to put the BRAND NEW OFFICIAL DEBUT of most beloved GIRL WEREWOLF with RADICALLY AMPED LEVELS of doompunk psych damage. full of love and desperation and hastily executed midnight hexes fading into the ether like smoke from a blown candle. i can say with absolutely no hesistancy that 'morlock' is one of my favorite songs of all time. when i first heard it i put it on repeat over and over and over again. this world is in seizure, thrashing on the bathroom floor with its eyes wild and tongue protruding. smoke weed everyday. hail satan. blast Girl Werewolf out of whatever speakers available. <3

Paara - Riitti (2018)

Epic folkened & doomened black metal tales of ancient spectral lore! <3

Important Update 7/15/18

Dear Friends And Readers: I have managed to extend my car rental for another week. I am most grateful to those who were able to help. This week I also have managed to secure a down payment for a car from my mother of around a thousand dollars. This is all she is able to do and I am thankful for her help. This week starting tomorrow and with someone to accompany me in the form of my ex, I am going to try and purchase a car. I don't have a credit score apparently. I don't know how it will go and I am terrified. I don't know if I will be able to secure a non-predatory car loan. I will attempt this regardless of any other assistance and I am loath to make such a request but if you want to, I would be more than happy to receive donations toward vehicle efforts. I am only looking at cars at or below $5000. I know that there are fees and taxes and tags and insurance and I honestly don't understand any of those things or what their attendant costs might be on top of the cost of a vehicle. My finances will be sketchy forever but getting a car will be the major piece necessary to end the hemorrhaging of funds to a weekly car rental. I can accept donations through google pay: numbatwombat21 at gmail. Thank You for reading this and Thank You for caring what happens to me. I would like to be in a position to help others as I have been helped. I am trying to get there. <3 <3 <3 nathaxnne

Cruel Diagonals - Disambiguation (2018)

i am so so into this goth industrial new age occult haze!!! completely entrancing <3 <3 <3

Inhumankind - Self-Extinction (2018)

So its now 2019 and Blessed Be!!! King Paimon showed up and now the Trump Administration no longer exists and things are pretty groovy in a Satanic Post-Fordist sort of way? but WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO AT YOUR COFFEE HOUSES BEFORE YOUR ALL-NIGHT JESS FRANCO FILM FESTIVALS inquiring minds want to know and as well you should ask because we got the dopest acoustic double-bass/flute left-hand-path prog-jazz-metal combo so far, Inhumankind! Hails! <3

Inspirational Text Of The Day 7/13/18

The Sybil foretold the future; but the Sorceress makes it. Here is the great, the vital distinction. She evokes, conjures, guides Destiny. She is not like the Cassandra of old, who foresaw the coming doom so clearly, and deplored it and awaited its approach; she creates the future. Greater than Circe, greater than Medea, she holds in her hand the magic wand of natural miracle, she has Nature to aid and abet her like a sister. Foreshadowings of the modern Prometheus are to be seen in her, -- a beginning of industry, above all the sovereign industry that heals and revivifies men. Unlike the Sybil, who seemed ever gazing toward the dayspring, she fixes her eyes on the setting sun; but it is just the sombre orb of the declining luminary that shows long before the dawn (like the glow on the peaks of the High Alps) a dawn anticipatory of the true day. 

         The Priest realises clearly where the danger lies, that an enemy, a menacing rival, is to be
         feared in the High-priestess of Nature he pretends to despise. Of the old gods, she has
         invented new ones. Beside the old Satan of the past, a new Satan is seen burgeoning in her,
         a Satan of the future. (ix-x)

         -   Jules Michelet, Satanism And Witchcraft (1862).
                  Translated by A.R. Allinson, Citadel Press, 1939.

great mother bat 1.1

Taman Shud - Viper Smoke (2015)

a slathering undead beast of a psych rock lp for sure!!! <3

071018d

raise your claws to the skies cause your gonna die your gonna die your gonna die your gonna die

Khemmis - Desolation (2018)

besiegement / what lay beyond hope

Master Boot Record - Direct Memory Access (2018)

neoclassical 16-bit industrial blackened cyber death is coming for you (if you choose to listen to this album which maybe you should because it rules? <3 NOW w/ added rococo corpsepaint voxes! at NO ADDITIONAL COST! <3 <3

Barbara Manning - 'Scissors' from Lately I Keep Scissors (1989)

one of those songs i have kept singing to myself over and over and over over 3 decades. <3 Love To You Barbara Manning <3

Sandy Denny & The Strawbs - 'Tell Me What You See In Me' from All Our Own Work (1967/1973)

love you always Sandy <3 <3 <3

Gnod - Chapel Perilous (2018)

it is always righteous when Gnod puts out something and yes <3 <3 <3

cat 1.1

Britney Spears - 'Invitation' from Glory (2016)

even Britney albums that are not my most favorite have songs on them that I love, like this one, which sounds like a Disintegration rip-off turned into bedroom jamz which is pretty amazing on its own not to mention the near-psychedelic autotune vocal cloud love u forever britney!!! <3 <3 <3

Mortuous - Through Wilderness (2018)

advanced decay <3

whorl of drying blood 1.0

Donna Summer - 'I Feel Love' (Patrick Cowley Remix) (1978)

the greatest remix of the greatest song ever prog-disco glory!!! when i die instead of a funeral i want to have a planetarium laser-light fantasia to this song on a loop for 21 hours and people can just come and go to the planetarium as they wish <3

spirits partially in the ground 2.0

Blom - 'Powerfrau / Skank Witch' (2018)

This rules so hard i hope my teeth don't fall out! <3

spirits partially in the ground 1.0

Mylingar - Doda Vagar (2016)

Thoroughly Rampaging Deathened Black Death Totally Rad <3 <3

The Mover - Frontal Sickness (1993)

<3 <3 <3 !!! (This musick sounded future dystopian in the 1990's. Now that we live in a future dystopia it sounds like now. <3 <3 <3

Urgent Plea For Assistance

Dearest Friends And Readers:

I am in a terrible bind. I need transportation to go to and from work. I am disabled, physically and cognitively. I live all alone in a small town a half-hour away from my job at a big box store where I am a cashier. I needed to take the job in order to try and secure housing which I have. My rent represents nearly half of my monthly disability allotment. The other half and the little that I make from a part-time cashier job (max 20 hrs a week) goes to food, medical care, medicine and since my car died in January, a rental car. A healthy, solvent person would be able to go to a used car lot and even with those little resources, make some kind of deal to achieve a car. I have not been able to both financially and because I am terrified to go to a car lot and end up being taken advantage of by a process I do not understand and cannot grasp. I have been trying to get a loan from my mother but this has been unusually protracted and difficult. My father will not help me financially at all. My family either cannot or do not want to grasp the situation in which I am trying to survive. I am scared. As of Wednesday July 4, I need at least $400 to cover the cost of ONE WEEK of summer rates for a Hyundai Accent so that I can go to work for that week and make the little that I do. It doesn't make sense to pay that much money to have a big box store cashier job but that is literally the only contact I have with people other than on the telephone or (less and less frequently) online. I need a car desperately. I wish there were some way to solve this problem. I will still be in a huge mess once the rental car situation is resolved but until it is resolved I cannot move forward in getting therapy or necessary medical care. This really is urgent. I hate to ask again and again. Last week I wrote a similar letter but no one could help and I understand. Lots of the time I wonder why I am alive when I cannot make the minimum qualifications for continuing to live. I hate being this person. The stress is unreal, having to continually beg and scrape and fight just to work at a low-wage cashier job which hurts so much physically I can barely get through a four-hour shift. I want to live. I want to be productive and help people with the life that I have left. I don't want to die. I don't want to live in a continual panic about how to survive, how to get by the next day and the next. If you can help at all, I can receive funds through Google Pay. My address is numbatwombat21 at gmail. I wish I could write better these days. I wish if I could be more coherent, less scattered, that I could explain my situation to my family, to friends, to a social worker, anyone, who could act as a support and an advocate in acquiring transportation and basic assistance. I never would have moved far away and taken a job if I didn't have a car but now that that car has died I am really in a terrible situation. Please someone help me. I am trying to do everything that my family and society has asked of me. I am trying to support myself in a good faith effort. I work hard at great cost. I have done everything in my power to save this job. Please help. I don't know what else to do anymore. Even if I can get through this week I don't know how I will get through until my next pay period in two week. I have tried to fight for as long as I can but I am running out of options. Sorry for writing these. <3 nathaxnne

Prequel Tapes - Inner Systems (2015)

totally awesome kosmische pastoral industrial reverie!!! <3