Hurt Very Badly

After work tonight i had to drive for 45 minutes each way to spend what money i had on a week's worth of mmj. I have found out the hard way that if i cut back or if i don't use enough i can't do things like walk, swallow or talk. it is a lot of fun. during these marathon journeys across the state, i often hurt myself, sometimes pretty badly. tonight was one of the very worst. i went on the longer route back so i could go to the grocery store to buy distilled water. this drive is like an hour plus but i don't mind it except for the road features that weren't there the last time i drove or the ones i can't see as well at night that i drive into like the manhole/pothole right before turning into the grocery store which consumed the whole of my right front passenger wheel. it was at the kind of angle pointing downward which guarantees maximum vertebral/spinal/brainstem interaction. when i get hurt like this, it is like someone has made a spear out of your own spine and is using it to jab your brainstem with its broken end while someone is hitting you in that exact spot with a hammer. the initial pain is not the worst of it. no, the inflammation cascade triggered takes days and weeks to unfold, making daily life practically unlivable. in between comes the total freakout involving hours of crying and yelling because your actual brain has just been rammed into by your spine. i can feel in the back of my neck where something has been rearranged, like tendons or ligaments or something. i think it is likely i have ehlers-danlos, which would explain a lot of the severity of these kinds of injuries. i will now have to live with tonight's spinal injury forever. i will never again be the person i was just hours ago. what is insane is that i have to drive these long distances at dangerous times because there is a drought of medical marijuana in pennsylvania so in order to get the medicine to treat the injury i injure myself even worse in ways that the medicine will never be able to fix only treat. i just feel like dying. now i can't watch a movie or a tv show that i like. all i can do is be in pain. it feels awful. it is also an emotion, this injury, a cloud that replaces thought, replaces other emotion. it is the worst thing i have ever felt and i feel it all the time. it isn't like being alive not really. it is just waiting out hell until you can maybe be alive for a moment or two, an hour or a day before the next catastrophic injury brought upon by shitty housing or shitty cars or just some random thing occurs again, plunging me back into a familiar nightmare. someone commented here recently that i should just kill myself like i haven't thought of that every day for forty years. every night i hope that i won't wake up the next morning. it isn't so much having to bear the pain. it is the inability to be anything other than the pain, the inability to think, to feel, to love, to do things other than hurt. i can't make plans. i can't have a social life. all i can do every day is basic maintenance of a body which can no longer be maintained. this is absurd. it is beyond reason. i do it anyway. i don't think my life contributes much. i don't think i am a good person. i think i oculd have been something much better but i failed at that like i have failed at literally everything. and that is why i don't really really try to kill myself. because knowing me i would mess it up and then have to live in the aftermath of that failed attempt until i died of something else so anonymous commenter that is why. the very structures of this world i cannot bear them. they are killing me but not fast enough.