Hate Myself So Much RN

It is important that you know that i am not going to hurt myself right now but i really want to. I have been at home a lot this week because i was only able to get 13 hours of work this week which went down to 11 hours of work after i had to go home early last sunday to avoid a devastating snow storm. my last paycheck was like $350 and it went away as soon as i got it. i have half of the now more expensive rent (due to a permanently factored-in 5% late fee) done for the first half of the month of january but i have nothing now for ten days until my next insufficient paycheck. i have 10-15 dollars until not this friday but the friday next. i want to just die. i need hrt, food, gas, medicine, medical marijuana. right now i am suicidal in part because i have been having to ration my medical marijuana while i am at home which means not enough to get symptom relief. i am desperate all the time. i write these things and i know people can't respond to them. the emergency detailed by each one holds over until the next one of these you read or not.  if i could kill myself right now i would. i don't want to have to beg for money online that will never come. the person i am is not worth keeping alive but i wish i could just go rather than having to hang on for years and years in this stupid twilight of chronic pain and loneliness. i hate my fucking self. anyway if you would like to help me get through the next stupid week i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail dot com through google pay or paypal. i took this url off of my letterboxd bc i didn't want my art to be seen as a funnel for pleas to help some stupid old broken disabled trans lady who was too dumb to be a good enough person to have a partner or a family to take care of her now that she is old and broken and useless. i hate myself. in the middle of the night tonight i had to go out to get gas and drop off due dvds to the library bc i couldn't afford the late fines. now i haven't eaten or showered. it is midnight. all day when i am home i try to wait for the businesses in the commercial space in which i live to leave because when they are here and moving around i am getting hurt. hurt by doors slammed. hurt by heavy items dropped on the shared hollow floor impacts that go into my back/spine/neck, triggering seizure-like instances that last sometimes for hours, chronic migraines, problems with speech/though/motion. i am convinced i have a cerebro-spinal fluid leak along with everything else but i no longer have a doctor. i don't have a therapist. i don't have a mechanic. my car is in desperate need of immediate mechanical attention i will never be able to afford. i will have been in this situation now for two years going on this spring and it is breaking me. i don't know how to get out of it. i work the maximum amount federal disability law will allow me even though it hurts so much i can't do it some days and i have to go home or call out, further depressing my income into a vicious cycle. i am weeping now and i am supposed to like get ready for fucking work tomorrow when all i want to do is finally eat some dinner and watch a movie. it is like midnight. i hate myself so much all the time. being disabled is inefficient. it is expensive. you cannot make good choices. you have to make immediately available choices, which end up being dumb or redundant or expensive. you have to make too many trips or just go without. everything i end up doing is wrong because there aren't enough resources to just take care of basic things. i am having trouble going on