Update:
PS
I feel strongly I should delete this post. I am sorry to have caused
concern or upset among any readers. That is never my intent and I
apologize. <3
On Sunday I was able to get a rental car for a week and therefore able
to get to work. I had to take a Lyft a long way to the rental car place
and then rent the car which was a lot but for this coming week I have
secured transportation. I will have to reckon with attaining closer
and/or permanent housing as well as a new used car which is terrifying
to contemplate but it must occur.
Update 2 (1/18/18)
Today when I went into the rental car at my job to sit there and eat something, I hit my head very hard on the car door frame. I have a brain injury. I have sustained multiple concussions since 2010 and probably before that point. Every time I hit my head I have a resumption of severe concussion symptoms. I haven't hit my head this hard for many years. It could mean weeks or months of sustained difficulty where thinking, feeling, doing become agonizingly difficult and painful. When recovery happens it is less a recovery than adaptation to a new homeostasis, one where the person you were before the reinjury is gone forever and what is left has an even greater burden and less of a self, less of a person, to drag into the future. I am beyond upset about this. I barely have words.
Update 2 (1/18/18)
Today when I went into the rental car at my job to sit there and eat something, I hit my head very hard on the car door frame. I have a brain injury. I have sustained multiple concussions since 2010 and probably before that point. Every time I hit my head I have a resumption of severe concussion symptoms. I haven't hit my head this hard for many years. It could mean weeks or months of sustained difficulty where thinking, feeling, doing become agonizingly difficult and painful. When recovery happens it is less a recovery than adaptation to a new homeostasis, one where the person you were before the reinjury is gone forever and what is left has an even greater burden and less of a self, less of a person, to drag into the future. I am beyond upset about this. I barely have words.
Hi there, came here from your letterboxd profile and I'm just feeling a little worried about seeing this post with no comments on it, like maybe you didn't have anyone to talk to so no one knows you are feeling this way and basically I would just really like it if you could confirm that you're not dead. You don't know me or anything, and I'm not trying to be creepy by posting anonymously but I don't know my blogspot password or if I ever had a blogspot account. My name is Rowan and I like your horror movie reviews. I often watch films just because of your reviews. I hope you're ok
ReplyDeleteDear Rowan:
DeleteThank You For Your Kind Concern. I am Terribly Sorry to worry you and anyone else. Please do not worry! I am glad you responded and your query and comment is not creepy or unwanted in the slightest. I am glad you have gotten something of worth out of my writing. I wish there was more of it and of higher quality. If they spurred you to watch some movies that you liked I am so very glad. Much Love To You <3 nathaxnne
PS I feel strongly I should delete this post. I am sorry to have caused concern or upset among any readers. That is never my intent and I apologize. <3
DeleteUpdate: On Sunday I was able to get a rental car for a week and therefore able to get to work. I had to take a Lyft a long way to the rental car place and then rent the car which was a lot but for this coming week I have secured transportation. I will have to reckon with attaining closer and/or permanent housing as well as a new used car which is terrifying to contemplate but it must occur.
DeleteRowan again: very glad to hear that you are still alive and haven't lost your job. You have nothing to apologise for. Feeling concerned that a stranger on the internet might have attempted to end their life is a very strange experience but I have experience of working in mental health so I like to think I'm well prepared. I hope things get better soon x
DeleteDear Rowan: Thank You For Your Kind Concern. For better or worse I have spent a lifetime dealing with suicidal impulses as a maladaptive response to extreme stress. This is of course greatly exacerbated by living in financially precarious circumstances. I appreciate your kindness. <3 nathaxnne
Delete�� gr8 news !! keep ya head up ��
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3
DeleteHi. What exactly do you think about Christianity? You seem to think that God exists yet you are against Christianity and seem to enjoy adorning yourself with what I imagine you think is anti-Christian imagery (I think you used to have "hail satan" written in your bio on letterboxd?). If you think God is real, why would you oppose Him? What don't you like about Christianity?
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous: I have had a very long term and complex personal relationship with God and with Christianity. I am not opposed to God or Christianity. I am in favor of them both. I believe in a multipolar and pluralistic world of continual becoming. I converted myself to Abrahamic Monotheism at a very early age and practiced it very seriously for many years. I respect and honor its conventions, its theologies and its modes of worship. I regard myself as a Theistic Satanist. I am not an Atheist. I believe in Deity and I believe Deities are at least as real as we are. When I was a Christian, I practiced a form of Gnostic Antinomianism. I believe in having a direct and personal relationship with one's gods. I believe that we are beings and should be proud of our status as beings. I love this world and all of the life that composes and exceeds it. I believe these beings have as much right to live and to desire and to be on their own terms without coercion. I do not believe in a Great Chain Of Being. I do not believe in a Cosmic Hierarchy. I believe in Liberation For All. I believe that consuming the fruit of the Tree Of Good And Evil was a necessary sacrament, being cast from the garden of ignorance was our first step to standing up for ourselves. God made us with free will and unfathomable desire, desires which run wild and rampant, which are forever interwined with our very basic nature. I believe in the free expression of this desire, as long as we hurt no other in its exercise. I believe in waste, in perversion, in being wrong, in the sacrality of failure, of loss, of ruin, of hopeless abandon. I am a Satanist because God made Satan, too, in Their own image, as a force of opposition, of argument against, of eternal revolt, of the schism within and without. I believe in doubt, in blasphemy, in heresy. I stand resolutely against orthodoxy, against the Law. I know in my heart of hearts that there is no opposition which is not fulfillment. I am a Satanist because that is where my being a Christian ultimately led me. I do not renounce Christianity. I do not renounce God. I am on a personal level, forever in tension with these elements and I always will be. I will forever oppose coercion, forever oppose the use of force, the binding commandment.
DeleteI do not believe in an anthropocentric universe. I will never bow before Man, nor will I expect anyone or anything to ever bow to me. I want to stand upright and look my god in the face and speak and be spoken to.
I believe also in the old ways that were destroyed forever in the burning times. I cannot forget all of what was lost forever. We cannot go back. I do not believe in blood & soil tribalism. I believe in cosmopolitanism, multiculturalism, syncretism. Cain was also the builder of cities. I believe in the future, in an eternal becoming, in the not-yet. I do not believe Utopia is achievable or desirable but I do believe in the Utopian impulse to make this world better for all who dwell within and compose it. I love this world. I seek not to denigrate or destroy it but to celebrate it, to love this life, the immediate experience of everyday reality. I believe in being a kind person, in treating all beings like you would wish to be treated, without concern for reward or punishment in this world or the next. I reject any order which would save a sliver and condemn the vast majority to endless suffering because of a doctrinal disagreement. I would rather burn in hell forever and ever than gaze upon the suffering of others in delight.
I am sorry if this answer is rambling. I hope it conveys some of my faith. I am in practice quietist and nonevangelical. I do not seek to convert others or convince them of my rightness or wrongness. My answers are my own and have been gained at great personal cost. They are also forever provisional to be altered as needed or as wisdom is gained. They are heuristic, not carved in stone.
All The Love To You
<3
nathaxnne
Non Serviam
DeleteAdditionally (and lastly for now): If I say Yes to something it is because I truly desire it. I am responsible for saying Yes. It was and is my decision. I could be wrong. I could regret it. I hope to learn either way. If I say No to something it is because I believe it is wrong or because it is not desired. I would neither affirm nor deny something because someone else told me to. I take responsibility for my actions. They are mine. I do not need my actions to be redeemed or forgiven by another. I am made and remade as a result of my choices, good and bad and none-of-the-above. To take them from me is to remove me from me. We are both fleeting and eternal. What we decide to do with our free will has always been and shall always be. In a real sense it was there before us and will linger long after we are no longer exercising it, the forge of becoming, of futurity. Our actions determine the world we will leave to others.
DeleteI seek not the perfectibility of humankind on this earth. Sin is a gift. Weakness, fallibility, corruption, finitude, these are against closure, against perfection, they keep the door open to possibility, to what has never been. The pursuance of sin can be a path to the crown of wisdom which must be earned again and again. I seek not the Kingdom on this Earth. I seek not an end but a forever beginning arrived at from the failure of endings.
DeleteGnosticism is not Christianity, it doesn't sound like you were ever a Christian. Satan was an angel, angels were not created in God's image, only humans were. Your beliefs come from narcissistic degenerates. God made everything and is perfect, and could destroy satan at any moment, yet you worship him? Seems absurd. You are on a path to death just because you think it's cool to be esoteric. We only exist to be with God, sin drives us away from God, it's not a gift. You are driven by passions that you have no control over. You are a slave. Turning away from sin and embracing God is the only freedom we can have.
ReplyDeleteGod is both entirely immanent and entirely transcendent, wholly within all of our world and our kosmos and in us, and wholly alien, unknowable, a darkness beyond darkness. We can know god by knowing ourselves and we can know otherness from god by knowing ourselves. I don't worship anyone. Least of all myself. I believe in a love which moves the stars, which animates all of what is and what is not, what has been, shall be and what shall never be. What I believe is most important in Christianity and what I believe in practicing is to love all beings, to love all of what is, as if it was your neighbor, your child, your lover, your parent, yourself. This love is not always easy. It is difficult and easy to fail at. I have failed over and over. I have tried to learn from this failure. I believe in a joy within all that is, an ecstatic wonder at all that is beholding itself and seeing something other even as it recognizes itself as itself. God made everything and all things in their image, yet nothing which is is the whole or entirety of god. God is not encompassable even as they are known and know in turn. As far as cosmologies go, there are many which I like and find appealing. One which has always made the most sense to me is Isaac Luria's understanding of Sephirotic Tree Of Life as an ongoing process of god's withdrawal from themselves in order to re-enter in vessels made-other-than-god, vessels which were ultimately unavoidably broken. The gnostic strain was for many centuries an influence on Abrahamic Religions, none of which would be the same without it. I have disagreed with many tenets of Gnosticisms, most importantly the fear and upset at the material world and in some aspects of Christian Gnosticism, a split between a Creator God and the Christ. I am not a dualist. I do not believe in spirit and matter as opposing forces. To only be allowed one choice is not freedom at all. We are always with god, all of the time, even in revolt, even in perdition, even in hell. In a sense all of us are slaves if our being and our becoming is something predetermined, out of our hands, in a world we must suffer through until death in the hopes of eternal reward. I believe that this world is something still being created, with us as active co-creators. It is a world made out of love, to be loved and loved by in turn. There is no end, no perfection, no final state. I will have done my best by the beings of this world. I will have failed them more often than I would have liked. I tried to do the best I could by them. I love this world and all of what and who is in it. It is alive and it is here and now. I love you, Anonymous. I appreciate you reading what I have written and responding. Thank You. All The Love To You.
DeleteUpdate 2 (1/18/18)
ReplyDeleteToday when I went into the rental car at my job to sit there and eat something, I hit my head very hard on the car door frame. I have a brain injury. I have sustained multiple concussions since 2010 and probably before that point. Every time I hit my head I have a resumption of severe concussion symptoms. I haven't hit my head this hard for many years. It could mean weeks or months of sustained difficulty where thinking, feeling, doing become agonizingly difficult and painful. When recovery happens it is less a recovery than adaptation to a new homeostasis, one where the person you were before the reinjury is gone forever and what is left has an even greater burden and less of a self, less of a person, to drag into the future. I am beyond upset about this. I barely have words.