Update To Everything

Dear Readers & Viewers:

I wanted to update all to my general situation. After my car died, I managed to get help to get a rental car and I found a car I wanted to purchase even though it was out of my price range but a snowstorm came and I wasn't able to get to drive the car and the day after the snowstorm I gave myself (another) brain injury by whacking my skull on the rental car doorframe which put me out of commission for days and days and is still having an immediate (and cumulative) impact. I had to keep going to work with the additional brain injury and my performance and demeanor really suffered from it but I have tried to hang in there with work. Being barely adequate to cashier at a big box store has weighed upon me because in all of my employment I try and be professional and competent and polite no matter what job it is and having neurological issues impinge upon my ability to conduct myself properly in employment weighs heavily upon me. By the time I was feeling I could look at the car I wanted to purchase it had been sold and I have been searching carfax every day for cars many of which might work despite expense. I call about some of them but they usually sell right away and in between calls I am seized with panic attacks and worse. That is how I spend my time not at work. I am in my third week of renting a car which I also cannot afford to do. I think about just quitting my job but even if I did that I would still need a car because where I am staying now, an off-interstate weekly motel, is not within walking distance to any place with food or medicine. I have been homeless now since the summer of 2016 and I have been living here for almost 10 months. I have been driving 100 miles a day to go to work around the corner where I used to live. I am so scared to go to a car lot by myself and make some kind of horrible deal that I cannot afford anyway. I literally do not have the cognitive capacity to understand car financing and can't even really make monthly payments but I am going to have to try. I am frightened of being taken advantage of, even as I know it is unavoidable. I wish I knew someone personally who I trusted to either sell or donate a car to me. Instead I freak out over and over and over while listening to the Fall's Peel Sessions in 20-minute installments online. Sometimes I try to make art as a means of meditative reflection and calming. I am worthless at life. I keep hoping if I get the flu it will kill me outright. Once I get a car I have to get new housing right away and that will also require at least first and security which I don't have as well as (generally) 3x rent = monthly income which I got the job in order to secure but that also has not come to pass. I only work 16-20 hours a week. Now it is possible that I will lose my disability due to taking a job. I am having panic attacks about that also. I am supposed to go see a doctor in February to have an appointment to be evaluated for state-ok'd medical marijuana but the appointment itself costs $275 dollars plus another like hundred-or-two dollars for a medical marijuana 'card' let alone the medicine itself. Although I have desperately needed it, I haven't used marijuana regularly since 2010 and at all since once in 2011. Living in the aftermath of multiple (or complex?) traumatic brain injuries it is the one thing I think I can count on to slow the progressive elements of the damage as well as help me in day-to-day functioning with chronic arthritis pain and migraines. I feel like I am just rambling at this point and I apologize. I just wanted to give a sense of what is going on in my life and how crushing all of this feels. I have been living with unendurable, unending stress for years and years now and I just want it to end. I am tired of being in a constant state of panic and dread and material collapse. To be quite honest I am ashamed to be alive like this. Much Love To Anyone Who Read This Far. Sorry Again! <3 nathaxnne

PS - do you think carfax is in honor of dracula? I keep hoping so!