another winning day where i am the winner at winning

dear all:

i am already sorry i revived this blog. i am too sick to have a blog. i stopped it before because i was tired of writing about horrifying health and poverty related matters. i keep thinking that things can't get worse and i keep being wrong. i was sent home from work today because i ran out of medical marijuana sufficient to cover my nervous system convulsions during work which alarmed people and so i was upset and had ANOTHER work conference and sent home after having gastro convulsions in the bathroom which were sequels from today's earlier gastro convulsions which resulted in bloody stool after hours of evacuation. this was probably the result of continued carrageenan poisoning from last week. i didn't eat for four days. i couldn't sleep. everything hurt so much. i had inflammation spikes in my heart and lungs and all joints and cns in addition to gastrointestinal spikes. i tried to get 1:1 thc-cbd disposable vape because everyone is out of flower in the state after i was sent home with the last of my bank account but they were out at the dispensary so now i am using what is left to calm down my body. i have had to ration but it wasn't enough to last until wednesday when i get my disability check. on that day i will have to pay half of my entire disability check to my landlord for november's rent. on that same day i will have to purchase groceries and mmj. after that all of my disability money for the month will be gone. my paycheck will be garbage again. it is a vicious circle consuming everything. today i had florid motor and speech problems. what is funny is that when they happen i think my body is just making it up somehow and that i am lying when i describe it to others. i spent so long dissociating in my body, so depersonalized that when i try to tell people the truth it sounds to me like i am lying. every day i wish i would die. i don't have a way out of this.

i am running out of food. i am running out of mmj. without enough thc my body is going into spasms. i always focus on the cbd as an anti-inflammatory and mood stabilizer but thc is the anti-depressant, anti-spasmodic pain relief. i am so tired of being this person. i hate to ask for help so much that i would rather kill myself but then i feel like that is unacceptable so then i have to try to get enough food and medicine to live which is almost impossible. it shouldn't be. i hate involving others in my karma which is bad. if you can help with anything for the next couple of days that would be great but tbh this is not working. i don't know what else to do. i feel like a sham like a con asking for money all the time online. i am a constant emergency that will never be ok. i am the very definition of compassion fatigue. i am sick of myself so much that suicide is a daily option but i don't think that i can even kill myself mechanically anymore. i wish there was a soylent green suicide chamber with ambient waves of grain. i would gladly give myself over. if you can help or want to, i can receive monies at numbatwombat21 at gmail via google pay. if that is how paypal works (with email or with that id) then i can receive monies that way as well. i don't think i am doing anything that merits my own survival tbh