carrageenan is a killer /

 i have a carrageenan allergy. within minutes of consuming something with carrageenan the overwhelming bodily pain starts. in my skin, in my abdomen, in my neck and skull.

yesterday because amazon was out of the two main algal omega 3's i take for daily functionality, i had received a 'carrageenan-free' algal vegan omega 3 from nested naturals which had plastered testimonials and reviews from customers all over its amazon site that it DOES NOT contain carrageenan and has what appears to be customer reps affirming that it has no carrageenan so when i got home after having not enough omega three i took one and THEN read their 'other ingredients' list which DOES NOT APPEAR on the main page of their amazon item page. i am so sick with inflammation i want to die. i wanted to die three years ago the last time i took a carrageenan capsule. it took weeks for me to feel less bad but i have permanent damage from that episode just as i will have permanent damage from this one, with damage to my insulin resistance, brain, peripheral nervous system, etc. the pain is so bad. i was already fasting for two days but now i will have to extend my fast from two days to three or four. i want to die i am in so much pain. it feels like red angry plastic is leaking from my hands and feet which are swollen with edema. all of my joints hurt so bad it feels like i have the flu. i can't think or feel right. i am supposed to go to work in customer service today after leaving work yesterday because i felt so bad and then i went home and made things just this much worse because i am too stupid to live.
 

i have paid no rent this month. i need  $540 JUST FOR MY RENT
i have no medical marijuana as of today so after work i have to drive for hours to spend the
money i don't have to try to get some cbd dry flower because it suppresses inflammation. i might not have enough money to even do that.

i also now have to try and find some carrageenan-free vegan omega three before or after work.
my life is unending horror from things that shouldn't cause that.

i keep fantasizing about having enough money to hire someone to kill me and make sure i am dead.
i would do it myself but i worry i am not strong enough physically to complete the job.

i keep fantasizing about giving out my personal contact information online to people who might want to kill me. like finding nazis would would want to and asking them to kill me. i never have enough money at once to buy a gun and i worry i would screw it up like i screw up everything.

no one reads this blog. i don't matter. i am not a real person. my suffering isn't real compared to the suffering of real people with real lives and real families. i am not good enough to deserve to be a real person. god told me i wasn't allowed. that i had to be locked out of all of life. i am scared that my suicide will be just as cursed. i am alone. i hate myself.