today was really a defeat for me

hello everyone:

i spent the past week at home when not doing errands. i got very badly hurt at home several times from which i have not recovered. today i couldn't go to work or rather i went and then told them i could not complete a four-hour cashier shift so had to go home. this represents again for me a tremendous loss of income but the chronic pain in my back and my neck/spine has been so bad that i chose not to work today even though it was made clear to me that my not working was further jeopardizing an already rocky position at work because i have missed so much work this fall being sick or injured. i already cannot make ends meet which is why i am back here again talking about this online which i promised myself i wouldn't do anymore because i no longer believe in keeping myself alive really but i don't feel i could even execute myself properly anymore because i am too chronically injured to succeed so i have to find some way of staying alive. my building is the main source of chronic pain for me over the last year and a half. if you want you can read about it in prior posts. i don't have the energy to recapitulate everything. my body is falling apart. i haven't paid rent at all for november. i have to go on dangerous and long-distance drives to acquire medicine when i can afford it which is never. now my job might let me go. it is all that i have. i honestly pray for death every night. i hate begging to live. since i have re-opened this blog to beg the internet for intercession to stay alive not one person has contacted me or assisted or offered assistance. please note that i am not saying this to shame you the readers!!! no! please don't think that. we are living in a horrifying depression where we have had to socialize the costs of billionaires and their institutions. even if that were not the case i honestly don't think that i am worthy of keeping alive anymore. i just don't have any path forward. i used to be smarter than i am now. i used to be able to make things that people kind of liked some times but now i am just a burden and a waste. in the past year and a half the daily suffering has been so bad i have seriously made contingency plans for what if i could not pay rent anymore what if i could not eat what if i could not get lifesaving medicines. i would have to begin protocols of voluntary cessation of eating and drinking. i can fast for a long time in relation to food but i have not practiced really with liquids. if i had been a different person when i was younger i wouldn't be this garbage revenant. i would be someone who was really a person who had a family, a partner, a career, a home they could be proud of. instead i am failing out of being able to work at a big box store because i am too dumb to not live in a building which is killing me. i wish it would kill me faster. when i texted my elderly mother who lives across the country that i was in so much chronic pain i couldn't work today she said i should go to the emergency room. i am alone here.i just want to give up. why should i not give up in the face of all of this.


 UPDATE: I rely upon omega 3's for neuro-cognitive health. i am vegan and i no longer tolerate flaxseed oil so i have been taking algal oil omega 3's. amazon ran out of the brand i was using so i had to find another brand quickly. the one i selected, nested naturals, i selected because they claimed not to use carrageenan which i am highly allergic to, creating a runaway inflammation process in my body and brain that is extremely painful even from a very small exposure. the product i received and then took a capsule of in fact contained 'seaweed extract' which turns out to be carrageenan a fact i noticed once my hands turned bright red and began hurting. the last time i took carrageenan i almost attempted suicide because the pain was so bad. i couldn't eat for three days from the abdominal pain. i felt so bad inside my central nervous system. i cannot believe a company would expose people like me to such a severe toxin. they claim it is safe and so they have no responsibility to correct their erroneous marketing. now i will sick for days. i already missed work today and am at risk of losing my job. now tomorrow i will be expected to go to work so sick i want to die and i do not have the omega threes i desperately need. i want to die. i am cursed.