dear everyone hello i need some help i am sorry

i shut down this blog in april because i was tired of posting things about chronic injury and poverty, especially when i was not posting artwork or clips to music i was listening to. all i did was howl in pain and ask for help. i was hoping i would die or find a way out of my situation at home and with my car. it has been seven months. i have not managed to make anything better. i can't by myself.

since i have last been here, i switched gp's to an 'lbtq-friendly' practice. the first day i was there, they didn't listen to me and forced me to undergo a routine exam which led as i feared to head injury, a head injury i haven't recovered from almost five months on. i fought to get a social worker through my doctor group. she liked me at first but when it became clear how difficult a patient i would be she called me to fire me angrily telling me i was a waste of her time. i have been so ashamed i have not sought any health care since then and i won't. she did what she set out to do, lock me out of all health care. now i have to do everything by myself. i am living with something i have become more and more convinced is a dangerous, life-long kind of ehlers-danlos syndrome which has submerged me in severe chronic disabling pain in my spine, back, head, hips and is destroying me on a day-to-day level. i get hurt sitting at home. i get hurt driving a car. i get hurt crossing a parking lot. when i get hurt i get hurt for days, sometimes weeks. i work through the hurt as much as i can. some days i can't. some days the injuries overwhelm me and i have to go home from work. some days i cannot walk or drive home and have to sit at work not working.

i work at a retail big box store at self-checkout. i can't cashier anymore because my body can't handle it. i only work around 15-18 hours a week at 13 dollars an hour. i make approx 1150 a month in disability. outside of help begged from family and friends, that is my only income. my rent is 540 dollars a month. i now have to pay twice monthly in cash because i cannot afford to pay it at the beginning of the month. i spend like a hundred dollars a month on internet/streaming which is my only channel to the outside. i spend like 85 dollars a month on car insurance. in order to survive i rely upon medical marijuana for the intolerable constant chronic pain. it works. it doesn't get me high. it makes my life somewhat liveable with the chronic pain, but it costs $250 dollars a week when times are good. right now pa is in a dry flower drought which means i have to drive long distances in my car, getting hurt in the process to buy more expensive flower, so it is more like $300 dollars a week. i rely upon hundreds of dollars a month on anti-inflammatory supplements (otc stuff like turmeric, omega threes, etc - i have had to cut back to afford mmj but they are also necessary for day-to-day life with the tbi/inflammation/etc) i don't have a kitchen or even a sink in my apartment outside of the bathroom. i only have a dorm fridge. so i have to rely upon prepackaged foods. i fast 48 hours a week to save money and to promote autophagy but even then my food budget is like 100-150  a week. then i have to buy gas. i drive a half-hour each way to my job. my car's car engine light has been on for three months. my car needs inspection. my car needs probably like a thousand dollars in repairs and maintenance which would make it not hurt me and somewhat more driveable for a 16 year pos gm. i cannot buy new clothes or afford to go to the movies (which my body cannot handle now anymore anyway). i cannot afford to make my life better at all. i cannot afford to move or to get a new car.

part of my lifelong disabilities include emotional and cognitive, developmental disabilities. if i had to say i would probably be diagnosed on the asd spectrum had i been born not in the mid-seventies. the older i get the more it makes sense to me that i would have a complex of issues that centered around premature birth/birth defects/eds/autism/orthopedic/cns issues. unfortunately these things make my ability to communicate my very real problems to people much more difficult. i always think i am being clear and detailed and then people respond like i have said something insane or my behavior is not reasonable around issues of great personal import to me.

every day i pray to die. every day i wish i would die because i regard myself as a burden on my friends and family. i live alone. i am alone in my town. i live close-ish to my ex but increasingly i don't see her at all because i am more and more disabled. my quality of life is very poor. my only hope for the future was to get access to an apartment which didn't hurt, a car which didn't hurt, and trans-affirming healthcare finally in my mid-forties. this was the minimum for surviving this year and not only do i not have access to that, i am making less money at my job, things are more expensive, i have NO HEALTHCARE and my ability to think/write/work/drive is far more compromised than it was a year ago. i can barely move my head left or right. it hurts so much to drive i have to take days off between.

i have come back to this blog that i abandoned in despair because this fall i have asked everything i can from my friends and family. they went into money they didn't have to help me survive this far. i feel guilty about surviving at all. i don't think i deserve to survive. i don't think that what is left of me is worth keeping alive. if i had an easy way to do it there are many days i would assist suicide myself. today is not one of those days which is why i am writing something like this which i promised myself i would not write again no matter what.

i have to get by the rest of this month. i don't know how i will do that. i don't even know how much to reasonably ask for. three hundred dollars? six hundred dollars? idk. this is to make up not only missed work but also the crater of poverty. i work the maximum amount the government will allow me even though it hurts so much to do it. if i could work more i would. this puts me in a trap i cannot get out of. more money in disability every month would really help as would a higher ceiling on income. if i could reasonably have a patreon i would but i can't reliably write anymore.

anyway if you read this and you are inclined to, please help. i don't know what else to do for the last two weeks of november. i don't know what december or the new year will bring.

i need orthopedic shoes. i need an mri of my spine and brain. i need hrt. i need enough food. i need enough medicine. i need a home that doesn't hurt. i need a car that doesn't hurt. i need to not be scared and desperate every day of my life. and if i can't have that i want to be able to die with dignity as a free choice. my long-term health prospects at this point, even if i got from this point forward, everything i needed, are not good. the thought of having to go through that is demoralizing. the thought of having to go through that alone without basic resources in horrifying pain is intolerable.

i would relocate to any state with mmj and trans health care. the places where my friends and family generally live do not cover that. i think about moving back to florida some times but it no longer feels like home. i worry there is no home for me. i wish i would cease to exist in this life.

anyway, anything that you can for the next two weeks. i don't take more than i need so if i am ok i will delete this or make a large edit or new thanking post. this is the only way i have to get through the next two weeks. i am sorry to ask. i can accept help through google pay at numbatwombat21 at gmail <3 nathaxnne