For three days i have been too sick to leave my apartment. i have been having bad gi problems. i let my landlord know about this so that he and the flower shop people would not be moving things around in there. they ignored me so for the past three days i have been trapped at home getting so badly hurt every day i cannot function at all for most of the day. after a single major impact/slam/shockwave injury it takes me over 12 hours to restore even basic functionality, like eating/sleeping/drinking. normally i just sit in my chair or hold onto the upright doorframe shaking. i try and put on the news to have some voices during the many hours and days it will take before i feel like a person again if i am allowed that. what this takes from me is not just time or well-being, it takes from me myself my very ability to be myself in myself in my home or anywhere. all it gives in return is endless pain. i spent almost three weeks subjecting myself to daily fight or flight rituals trying to avoid what ofc was my ultimate fate, being trapped here while i am slowly assaulted and killed by men who know what they are doing and indeed can hear my vocal suffering. that is my life. right on.
i am being pushed out of this efficiency by the very men who ensured i would be trapped at home and hurt over and over for years, men who think i should pay them for this privilege or at least play nice. i am the one being sacrificed. they will always think of themselves as victims, victims of having to bear witness to the suffering of others at their hands poor babies <3
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