I have such a severe migraine that i can barely type let alone copy down text messages but let it be known my interaction with my landlord went really badly. I was so nervous about all of this and feeling so bad i wasn't able to sleep at all last night. I wish I had spoken to him after sleep but that is why I couldn't sleep. Great! I STILL haven't slept. The stress alone from all of this is killing me. Living here has cost me everything. I have nothing left. My landlord is asking me for $810 on Friday for half of the April rent and $540 for the full of May's rent. I no longer have a job. I am not receiving unemployment. My only income is my disability. He said that if i cannot do so, he will begin eviction proceedings against me. He told me that because I have been bothering him so much over the past three plus weeks that he is the victim in this. I laughed at him and said i would do my best to get him his blood money. He told me that everyone that he spoke to, including the lawyer i retained and the lbtq coalition i had begged for help told him that he was the real victim here and that he should block my texts and evict me. He told me to text him. What I have learned over 46 years is that i am really bad at asking for help from the straight world. By the time i ask for help, I am functionally hysterical and need emergency assistance and i cannot fill out forms and call numbers. I am in a panicked state. So even though I am literally an impoverished disabled trans woman who has lost her job and now her home because of this now-defunct business's right to conduct construction surrounding my apartment, I am the villain always. OK, thank you for all of your help, right-hand-path world. This is why your world is falling. It was erected and maintained in bad faith, in the perpetuation of the right kind of lies. Decorum is more important than reality in the straight world and if you violate that, you will pay. So great, thanks! Even once i pay my landlord half of the rent for the month i was almost killed and left with permanent central nervous system injury and the full of the rent for a month where he has announced to me he will be in the space that surrounds my apartment doing 40 hours + construction during May IN CASE A NEW SMALL BUSINESS MOVES IN. DURING A PANDEMIC. I tried to get some deal on the rent for May bc i will now have to also be out of my apartment when he will be doing the work but he indicated that was unreasonable. He only cares about maintaining to himself his status as a victimized nice guy while he also can extract sufficient suffering from me to make himself feel better. Right On. What a good dude. I have no prospects. I don't really want to survive, especially in this now even more destroyed version of myself. I have no friends or family here who can help me. I used to be friends with people at my job and now that is gone. I hope I die. What good is what is left of this? I have never been as broken as this at any point in my life. If you know me you know that is saying something. It is insane to be told one must tolerate this with a good attitude. I admit my attitude has been better in the very recent past even than it is rn. I feel like nothing I do that is any good really matters. I feel that only the negative things I do matter. I feel like trivial decisions I make that don't seem to have any obvious downside end up being holes in reality I fall through into another layer of nightmare I can never escape from. All I wanted was a safe and secure apartment so I could have my job. I could no longer afford to live in a weekly motel. So i moved here two years ago. It was opening a door to hell inside of hell. In hell there are many doors.
PS: my landlord during our discussion was reframing his beginning eviction proceedings on me as 'giving me the push' i need to leave, like he is DOING ME A FAVOR evicting me in a pandemic because i got hurt and was not ok with getting hurt and even less ok with accepting further hurt as a consequence of being in my own apartment. What A Nice Man. I am certain that when his children ask what he did during the Great Pandemic & Depression of 2020 - ? that he will regale his brood with stories of how he bravely evicted a crippled trans witch into pestilence, homelessness and poverty. Truly A Hero. A Role Model To His Community. How Proud His Family Must Be.
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