OK so here is a really good example of what I am talking about. Today I cancelled my therapy appointment because I have had a stomach bug and I didn't want to drive there and maybe make someone else sick especially in an environment where people might be immunocompromised. I went to work yesterday and I was planning on going to the movies today even though I am broke so as to avoid the very heavy things being dropped on the shared floor sending shock waves through my chair/desk/bed/toilet into my spine/skull. so i put up with some things impacting the floor but i am used to a certain level of constant injury but then just a few minutes ago, either something very very heavy was dropped on the floor or the basement doors were flung open, causing a jarring through the floor so profound my chair shook, my desk shook and i hit myself in the teeth with my vaporizer. immediately my speech and motion were affected and i have bad tremors in my hands. i always forget how bad it is when this happens. i blame myself because i had a contingency plan and i failed. i am agoraphobic and it is hard for me to make schedules. i will take almost any excuse to stay in. now I am badly hurt. in my experience, this is the injury that took me months to feel better from the last time it happened. i live in what amounts to an industrial space. i need to get out. my neurological disabilities are preventing me from being able to marshal what i need to do even the beginnings of this. this is why i tried to get a case manager a little while ago. i need to get help. every day i am afraid of something like this happening and now is has happened again. i can't tell how terrifying it is to be at home on a day off when you are too poor or sick to go anywhere waiting to get hurt as you type at your desk and then it comes and then it comes again and you wonder if the next time will be the time that really really hurts and triggers dementia or cte or parkinsonisms that don't go away. living like this is a hell on earth. i have adapted to it because i can adapt to living in hell. i have lived in hell my whole life. it is the path of many hells. it is a difficult path and one which will destroy you utterly over and over and over again and leave less than nothing left.
It has been almost a full year of this. I don't know how much longer I can do this for real
Now for the rest of my life I am going to wonder why i just didn't go to the movies like i was planning to and i wouldn't have gotten hurt this badly but i know why i didn't go. I didn't go because i have a stomach bug and i am poor and agoraphobic but now I am hurt so fucking badly that it won't ever go away. I can't think of a single other person I know who lives like this. It is horrifying. It is not a life. My laptop is swaying because my arms are convulsing while i type this. fuck this.
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