Tomorrow is Walpurgisnacht, one of the most important days of the Year. It is supposed to be the last day the flower shop occupies that space. They have had months to move out and weeks to move out the refrigerator components. I cannot be in my apartment when they move the heavy refrigerator components (glass panes, frames, compressors). I will get permanently hurt or worse. Since the first day, Monday April 13, I have been forced to make a daily choice as a disabled transgender woman to leave my apartment before 9am and stay out all day long, using public toilets and staying in public parks no matter what the weather, not having access to food or my necessary chronic pain medication. On the very first day, contractors came in at 8am without any warning to rip out the walk-in glass refrigerator bolted to my thin wall and floor across two entire rooms. ANY impact or shockwave into my floor, especially when i am in my office chair or on the toilet goes directly into my spine and skull. The pain is indescribable. It lasts for weeks. It destroys my capacity to even be myself, to take any enjoyment at all out of life, just waiting for the agony to subside, knowing i will never be the same again, never as smart, never as clever, never as happy as before the most recent environmentally-caused injury. On the day they came in, April 13, here in Central Pennsylvania, the weather was so bad i could not go outside, including an actual tornado warning. I was told to go outside by my landlord and the cops. They said i wasn't worth as much as the flower shop. So after enduring unimaginable pain for 8 hours in my apartment on April 13, I was no longer the same person. I have left EVERY DAY after that at 8 or 9 am and i have not come back until after i have visual confirmation the flower shop people have left, almost always after three. I am being forced day after day into a pandemic by a defunct flower shop. I have told this to my landlord, the business, the local police, the state police, the department of health, my (ex?) employers, my family, my friends, therapists, lgbtq organizations, health care providers, and on and on. Moreover I have been telling all of these people that for two years my living conditions in this building are causing profound life-altering continual pain. Because I am not a normal person, because I cannot seek help in a normative way and explain myself in a normative way, i have been unable to secure lasting help. I recognize it is mostly my fault. If i was less brain damaged, less autistic, less developmentally disabled, whatever, i am sure i could really explain. Of course, part of the problem has been that when i explain what is happening to me, most people have no frame of reference for this kind of pain at all, let alone how it is destroying my mind and body so utterly there will not be anything left if anything indeed is left now. People tell me i sound insane or that it is highly improbable that this is happening at all, which is SUPER FRUSTRATING when if someone slams a door in your building when you are on the toilet it feels like someone has hit you in the back of the skull with a measure of rebar at full force, sometimes lurching off of the toilet onto the floor or holding onto the doorframe, vomiting and involuntarily screaming, body in involuntary spasms. That is when someone drops something like a box of flowers behind me when i am going to the bathroom. What happened when they installed (two years ago) and then removed (april 13-?) the flower shop infrastructure is far beyond that.
For days we have known that it may flood Thursday April 30 and Friday May 1. There is a Severe Warning. I will not be able to get out of my home tomorrow in torrential rain. I am terrified I am going to get hurt or killed. My landlord gave me ONE night at a motel in the form of $120 off the rent which was nice but i have not had the use of my apartment for over half of this month and may have lost my job when i went in to BEG FOR THEIR HELP. Because i did not beg in the right way and because i was visibly upset and left upset, they now will not return my email or phone calls. I have had this job for 2.5 years. Without it I cannot afford my rent or medicine. I will die. I only wanted their help in an extreme situation. My landlord after i told him i was scared that i am going to unavoidably suffer injury or worse for the second time in a month from the adjacent tenants, reminded me I owe him $420 rent for a month where i could not use my apartment. Thanks. That is amazing.
The flower shop will not communicate with me. Their number no longer exists. They will not communicate with my landlord. I HIRED AN ATTORNEY to help me with the flower shop but he just talked to my landlord, told me that my landlord was a good dude and i should just do whatever he wants, despite the fact that representatives of the flower shop have mocked me to my face for being trans and later called the cops on me because they said they didn't have to speak to me. Because i am getting injured in my own home and i have been unable to prevent it I have lost what little I had left.
This world runs on the appearance of care without actual care. You are not allowed to say this. You are not allowed to say that a flowchart algorithm that sends you from one person to another with a sheet of helpful numbers to call with every number leading to another number, when i have no ongoing access to health care, safe housing, therapy, and now any income to live.
I should have died a long time ago. I should not be alive now. I wish I wasn't. Every night I pray to die. Every morning I am furious when I wake up.
I am going to post the self-portraits i took while i was being injured on April the 13th and its immediate aftermath. These are ugly and i risk them being repurposed into someone's avatar on 4chan but I accept this because i want you to see what it did to me and what i am scared about happening tomorrow. I can't believe I am being asked to PAY THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!!!! OMFG!!! If this happens to me tomorrow, i will be hurt or worse at home, forcing me to drive in flood conditions in a pandemic for hours and hours. This also poses a real risk to my safety and continued existence. Additionally i am scared that if i have to go through the amount of acute pain i went through on April 13/14 again i will respond with older techniques for controlling severe pain, including self-injury as a distraction. I am not threatening anything i am just scared. i will have to publish the photos separately as an appendix? why gmail?d
UPDATE: my landlord spoke to me and said he didn't THINK the flower shop would be there tomorrow. He tried to say that their removing the refrigerator will not hurt me because 'it won't be noisy'. He knows that isn't true. He is trying to make a deal with them to just be done. I do appreciate that. On the other hand, he is now threatening me with eviction and said that he has considered it every month for 6-8 months. He is doing this to hold this over my head. He says he 'doesn't want' me to become homeless like it isn't his decision. Right On, Dude. He wanted me to pay $420 for april rent when i got hurt worse than at any other time in my life due to his tenant which surrounds me and did not have use of the apartment for over half the month. I told him i would pay him half. He got upset and said it was nonnegotiable. I told him to go ahead and begin eviction proceedings. He then said he would give me half rent for april if i paid in full may rent the first week in may. I said i would think about it. I have lost my job. I can't afford anywhere to live. I don't know if or how i can receive unemployment.
I no longer have anything left to offer this world. I wish i would just die. I now have had to ask friends for help again with rent. When I could write and make art I was worth something maybe. Now it would be better if i just died.
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