My Day Today 4/22/20

My day today honestly has been one of the very worst days of my entire life. Which, dear readers, if you know me at all is really saying something. Today took the cake, all the pies, and several trays of cupcakes.

Last night i could not sleep very well due to pain and respiratory difficulties. I lightly dozed for a few hours with the wifi plugged in and the laptop news on which makes it difficult for me to rest. I woke up this morning and texted my landlord telling him that i was feeling too bad to flee the construction today. Then i called my dad. that was a mistake. i have been feeling so bad and things have been so bad that i wanted to tell him that when i die i won't die angry at him but he basically ruined this by telling me what i really needed was to go back to work and that social distancing won't work because he is extremely racist. Then he misgendered me and said it was his right to and that is how we left things, with him telling me to text rather than to call. Thanks Dad.

OFC that is when the flower shop guy came. I felt him in there because it hurts when they go in there and move stuff around AT ALL let alone ripping out drywall and refrigerators. I asked him not to today because I was not feeling well and i had to rest. He told me he didn't need to speak to me and that I should call the cops. I said I HAD called the cops and that they were not helpful and that if he had any human feeling at all he would realize that someone in pain resting at home when sick in a global pandemic was in a different category of THING than a defunct flower shop but no. I grew animated and so he called the police on me. I waited there, convulsing and spasming on the sidewalk, in flip flops and a little black dress, unshaven, when my upstairs neighbor came down to tell me that he was going to 'punch me in the fucking face you fucking weirdo' and to stop convulsing and spasming because i was faking. then he told the flower shop guy that he was going to 'fucking drop that freak'. Then the cop showed up. This is the same police dept. that told me to 'go outside' and 'go to the park' during a tornado advisory. The same police dept. that told me the defunct business was worth more to my landlord than I was because they undoubtedly paid more in rent. Please be aware this is DAY 8 of this inessential construction activity. The cop showed up, i told him that i had just been threatened with assault twice in public and he said 'Did he do it?' and then listened to the flower shop guy tell him i was interfering with his right to work. i tried to explain to the cop that i was an essential worker and had been given a month of sick leave to isolate at home from my cashier job and that the week of construction made it impossible to live in my immediately adjacent/surrounded apartment as i have a lifelong chronic pain condition. the cop said 'this isn't hurting you and if you are under quarantine you must return to your home now' and then said 'do you want to go in there or do you want to go to prison'? [NOTE: I am NOT under quarantine orders. I was trying to explain that i was 'self-isolating' or 'self-quarantining' to be a good citizen] so after alerting the officer to the fact that my blood will weigh upon his immortal soul for all of eternity i went inside, got my coat and purse and proceeded to leave again for the day, day seven of exile in covid-19. Fun Fact: the police lot is the only parking space i have, many blocks away, because my efficiency does not have a parking space and there is no street parking! Hooray Me!!

I didn't know where to go so i did what i normally do and go to Starbucks. I texted my landlord and told him what happened. He blamed me for being loud. He said that i woke up my neighbor and he was feeling irritable and so as long as i didn't make too loud a noise in getting hurt or trying not to get hurt that i shouldn't get punched in the face but he wasn't going to get involved. My upstairs neighbor has priors, anger problems and who used to have a pregnant girlfriend who lived with him but then she left under bad circumstances and now he has supervised visitations with his kid. I am entirely certain he will hurt me if he gets upset. The cops GAVE HIM A FREE PASS IN FRONT OF HIM yet my landlord says there is no danger and that it is my fault. In addition to my TBI, i also have a badly damaged/deformed spine. One punch from him would kill me if i was lucky. I had a verbally abusive, threatening parent growing up so this didn't feel good but i recognized him. Rad. I can totally see why she left. Good for her.

After getting my coffee i didn't know where to go so i went to my job i WAS preparing to return to this week. I wanted to talk to them about my schedule but was worried now that my home has become dangerous and unusable. They told me HR could not speak to me and that they would get my supervisor. I explained to him, he said all they could do is give me the SAME 877 NUMBER I HAVE BEEN GIVEN EVERY TIME I HAVE COMPLAINED TO THEM ABOUT MY HOUSING SITUATION FOR TWO YEARS. When i call this number what they always say is: we can give you a list of shelters in the area. The shelter i would have to go to is a far-right Christian shelter that when they receive reading materials for the homeless they regard as 'non-christian' they throw them out. I am a disabled 46 year old trans woman. I have been told by multiple other authorities that i would not be safe there. I got upset and said that this is why the world was going to die because it is just a series of hollowly interlocking algorithms that only exist to provide the appearance of caring. I was asked to leave because I was upset. I left without working out a schedule. Now i don't have a job or a place to live. My landlord said this is a new start! I won't charge you April rent if you can vacate by May the first! in a pandemic. as a disabled trans woman with no money. I have nowhere to go and no one to stay with. I rely upon medical marijuana for pain relief and anti-inflammatories. I need 1:1 THC/CBD so i can't rely upon the black market. I need access to HRT. I need bathrooms and vegan food without sugar or additives. I must use a CPAP machine every night to sleep. My plan is to just die. I am not going to kill myself but what else is going to happen here? I don't know what else to do. I don't write or make art anymore. I don't have anyone who relies upon my being alive for their being alive. My mom said that she can't help me. My dad said to text and not call. I don't really talk to my sister much. She is a very busy anesthesiologist who is a real person and has a real life. I know what it means to not matter. To really not matter. I have tried everything this world has told me to do to fix this problem but all of these are fake potemkin solutions put up by a world that simply doesn't care but knows it is too tacky to act like you don't care but this is wearing off. I saw it in the faces of the flower shop man, the cop, my neighbor, my landlord, the feeling of being liberated from having to care, to finally get to live in a world where empathy no longer has to be faked, when lack of concern and outright contempt are virtues.

So  here are my photos from the end of DAY 8. This is all of what they have left in there to take out, what the cop says isn't hurting me and my neighbor says is going to get me a punch in the face and the cops agree! Thank Your God That Property Always Wins Over Human Life!!! It Will Serve You Well On Your Path To Hell. You Will See Me There. When Our Eyes Meet I Will Smile. <3 <3 <3