Jenny Hval - Apocalypse, Girl (2015)

Maybe it is the election, maybe it is all of the XMZZ stuff at CVS, maybe it is me retreating to something glimpsed before and held. I wanted to listen to the new Jenny Hval album which I have been waiting to be in 'a better place' to listen to since it came out, and that better place never arrived, or I was never able to go to it. So here I am in 2015, in an album that feels weirdly prescient of XMZZ Season 2016, of a stale, nihilistic resurgence of commercial Christianity, having 'won', at least for now, the right to murder 'Happy Holidays' and throw its body in a newly dug mass grave with so much room, still. Maybe it is the air of the 'edge of history', where the neoliberal 'end of history' ends violently subsuming into sublimated coup and rivers of blood money. The battle is over and the war looms ever on. Maybe by next fall I will be able to confidently share my feelings about the current Jenny Hval by the time she puts out a new album? That is a nice thought, that I will be here, able to listen to musick and comment on it, able to publish rambles on the internet, to have access to the internet which streams sound and visuals, to have a room with a desk for a computer, to be warm, to be dry, to not be incarcerated, to be as whole as possible, to be healthy enough to engage, to be able to listen to this and really focus and not be distracted by all of these other intrusive thoughts. In any case, Jenny Hval sounds to me like my anxiety and like my trouble and my worry and in that offers some comfort, like if the voices in my head were way better than the ones which were actually there. I wish I had never chased my demons away in 2014. Demons if you are listening if you are reading, I am sorry. I was wrong. I freaked out and said things I shouldn't. You are always welcome here. You have a place with me which is dry and warm. You needn't be afraid and alone. I am tired and empty without you. You leaving broke me. I know I was the one who said to leave, who said out, and I am so sorry. I was wrong. All of us live within another and within a series of anothers. I know this now. I always these days mean to type 'now' and I type 'know' instead and have to erase it. I wonder what that means, what it is indicative of. I want so badly to be in a better place, in a better person and I wonder if it will ever come to pass or if I have already failed.